Kangaroo country rises to the Olympic occasion

By TIM WATKIN

It was bound to leak out. Bring 110,000 Aussies together for a dress rehearsal of the Olympic Opening Ceremony, and asking them politely to keep mum about the show is not going to stop them yapping.

After extensive investigations by the Herald (well, one of us bumped into some guys down the Bondi pub), we can reveal the highlights of the ceremony that will screen tomorrow night (7.30, TV One).

To begin, the opening is delayed by an hour because the bus due to carry six year-old torch-bearer Bruce 'Dingo' Billabong across Sydney doesn't turn up.



But the second first torch carrier is a huge hit: the flame is attached to the skeleton of Phar Lap, which is rolled down the Sydney streets among cheering thongs - I mean throngs.

At Homebush, artistic director Darren Yap's vision of the stadium looking "like an Aussie backyard" is realised as a huge airship in the shape of Ayers Rock appears above the stadium, carrying what looks like a giant esky (20 per cent off eskies at Target). It lands in the stadium and, like Greeks from the Trojan Horse, out come hundreds of volunteers dressed as prawns and beer cans.

At the far end of the stadium a giant backyard barbie is revealed (all barbecues $199 this weekend only at the BBQ Warehouse) sizzling in the Sydney night. The beer cans dance dizzily while the prawns twirl their way to the barbie and climb up the side.

Then, as INXS performs with new lead singer Dame Joan Sutherland, the prawns Swan-dive on to the hot plate (diving sponsored by Swan lager, six-packs $9.99).

On the streets, the torch is passed to Sir Don Bradman who, using it as a cricket bat, receives a few under-arm deliveries from Trevor Chappell.

True to the new Aussie tradition of torch-tackling, Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin then grabs the torch, wrestles with it, and hands the flame to Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan (appearing courtesy of Fox). In an unexpected display of patriotism, Hogan lights all the corks hanging from his akubra and trots off wreathed in flame.

The parade of the world's finest athletes is led by a 2000-strong marching band dressed as syringes and dollar notes. "We had to choose something they'd be sure to follow," say organisers.

The athletes are finally gathered before the official podium, where Australian Prime Minister John Howard stands with IOC president Juan Samarach. The microphone is switched on.

" ... I don't care if I was standing on your foot, Juansy, I will not say sorry ... ahem ... On behalf of all Australians - well some of them, especially my mate Kerry Packer - I would like to welcome the world to the 2000 Sydney Games ... "

After Howard's speech, Samarach asks the athletes to take the Olympic vow.

"Do you promise not to take too many drugs, or at least not to get caught? Do you promise to use sponsors' names at every opportunity? Will you do your best for your country's television network? And will you stay faithful to the Olympic ideals, unless they hinder your chances of winning?"

"Fair dinkum," the athletes reply in unison. "Subject to clause 10, article 2b of our sponsorship contracts, we vow to do whatever it takes to win."

The crowd awaits the arrival of the torch in the stadium. Then, out of the tunnel comes ... Skippy, the bush kangaroo. In his paws Skippy carries a boomerang burning with the Olympic flame.

He bounds down the 100m straight then tosses the boomerang at the tower-top Olympic cauldron where it lights a bundle of kindling under a billy can.

(Sadly, at the rehearsal the boomerang came back and set fire to Skippy, but vets say he should recover in time for tomorrow night).

All eyes are on the cauldron as the kindling stutters and sparks. Could the flame go out at the last?

In the Ali-equalling climax, Rolf Harris appears on the platform, fanning the flame with his wobble board.

The flames burst forth (don't worry, authorities say the bush fires will be under control in a few days) and a yellow-dressed choir of thousands bursts into a rendition of Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport.

At song's end, Dame Edna Everage appears on the official podium to cry: "I hereby declare the 2000 Olympic Games open, possums!"

Herald Online Olympic News