Jill Goldson: Why we fall for old flames

So is rekindled love a delicate and tender flower - or a releasing of a genie from a bottle with a warning on the label? Photo / 123RF

Ever wonder what happened to that person you had a love affair with way back? Like really wonder – to the point of finding out? You are not alone – and you have much company if you are considering going a step further and actually making contact – a trend now so common there is a name for it – “rekindling”. .

A blast from the past

Back in the days, before the far reaching world wide web, finding a past love involved a library of phone books, a private detective or a lot of luck - an act full of feeling, intent and poetry.

Today it is as simple as typing in the past flame's name on Google. So easy in fact that it seems impossible that such momentous events can be set in motion.

These compelling reunions are typically between first and early loves, says Nancy Kalish, Californian State University Professor of psychology and expert in rekindled love. The relationships tend to have occurred during ones teens or twenties.

Kalish's original research of 1993 was a simple survey of men and women who tried reunions with ex-partners. Kalish found her participants via radio stations, TV shows and in magazines and newspapers. The internet was in its infancy. In that first survey, Kalish found that the figure for these rekindled relationships still being together at the ten-year mark was a whopping 75 per cent.

Says Kalish, in her book, Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances ,"many of the couples grew up together and shared friends and values-they became each other's standard for all romances ever since". Her research showed that most of the couples had been separated by circumstance: long distance moves, disapproving parents, the uncertainty of youth.

One participant recounting the reunion said, "He kept kissing my face at the airport - and after 20 years he was saying 'you're beautiful, you look fabulous'."

Stardust

Surely this is pure Walt Disney - with sprinklings of improbable stardust?

The science of love's biochemistry describes a potent cocktail: the "giddy chemical of new love along with the deeply relaxing chemical of long term love".

Psychiatrist Thomas Lewis, from the San Francisco school of Medicine confirms the heightened levels of love hormones in young love: testosterone, progesterone and oxytocin - setting the stage for a once-in-a-lifetime-sexual intensity - paired with a unique opportunity for attachment.

Says psychologist, Linda Waud, "There is actually a neurological attachment that happens between these individuals, and that is why it is enduring and it never leaves your mind. It's there forever and ever." (Waud herself was reunited with her current husband after more than 35 years apart.)

Unexpected consequences

But more recent research conducted by Kalish has found a changed story with the spread of social media tipping people into "accidental" affairs. Many of those connecting on Facebook or idly Googling an ex lovers name are finding themselves gripped with first love passion.

"Social media is not so much assisting as creating affairs," argues Kalish today. Just over 60 per cent of those interviewed turn out to be already married. And so do a high proportion of their old flames.

So add the reality of the rekindled love being an extra marital affair - and the figures for the happily-ever-after become rather different. Only 5 per cent of those in Kalish's recent research went on to marry their lost love. Most ended their affair after a few years. Half of those surveyed said that even though they divorced in order to get back with their old flame, their original marriages had in fact been good.

Therapists who work with the love-struck extra-marital affair, says Kalish, underestimate the powerful nature of such loves - especially first loves. Professionals tend to tell their desperate patients that their feelings for their re-discovered loves are based on fantasy - and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they just try. Nothing could be further from the truth, argues Kalish: "These are love relationships that never ended - not fantasies.

Ordinary affairs have less power to break up marriages - but reunions with early loves are much more risky - and the studies of rekindling show those involved are prepared to lose daily care of children, businesses and life savings to be with the other.

Most participants thought they could continue the affair whilst they decided what to do re their marriages - but mostly the affair became revealed - with all the fallout and heartache that involves.

Repairing broken trust in any marriage after an affair is hard enough - but bouncing back from an affair with a long lost - love is far more complicated.

Argues Kalish, "this type of rekindled love affair is not about sex, and it is not about the spouse and the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis. The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted".

According to Shirley Glass, Ph.D, and expert on infidelity, when one spouse leaves a marriage or committed relationship for another person, the chance of failure for the new relationship is about 75 per cent.

Wanting closure on an old relationship sounds rational - but once the high-octane encounter occurs it is is neither rational nor fantasy. And the urge to give it another chance is very strong.

So is rekindled love a delicate and tender flower - or a releasing of a genie from a bottle with a warning on the label?

Second chance tips for those who are certain that it is the time to connect

• You broke up the first time round. If you want to reunite you need to openly discuss the original break up with your past love.

• One partner might have been hurt very badly: it might be a good idea to get help so both people understand their respective roles in the break up.

• If a romance was negative and damaging and you worked to free yourself from it - then be very aware of negative patterns and the danger of finding yourself stuck in obsessive love.

• The power of a reignited relationship might feel overwhelming - take it slowly and allow space.