The cultural pressure to be happy has a number of scientists researching the impact of the phenomena.. Photo / iStock
The cultural pressure to be happy has a number of scientists researching the impact of the phenomena.. Photo / iStock
Everyone wants to be happy and for their loved ones to be happy. The quest for this Holy Grail has exercised the minds of philosophers, priests and poets throughout the centuries.
"I'm terrified of waking up in mid-life and discovering that I'm not happy" is a theme I hear often from my clients. The anxiety about negative feelings seems to be a dark twin of shame - a sense that it is somehow a sign of inadequacy and weakness to be feeling unhappiness.
And this discomfort about harbouring negative feelings is strengthened by a tsunami of information from the positive psychology movement. We have happiness coaches, happiness courses, a staggering number of happiness titles on amazon.com, let alone a plethora of nuggets of information, all just a click away and offering advice about generosity, about not sweating the small stuff, five tips for thinking positive thoughts, and the biochemistry of smiling. All of which can inspire us - briefly.
But if we try and cull those negative feelings - and don't succeed - we can be left feeling more like a failure than ever. It's the psychological equivalent of resolutely starting the day sipping a healthy green smoothie, and ending up downing a Big Mac with a large helping of fries that evening.
So getting spooked by our own feelings and thoughts - with a sense of shame about not being as we believe we ought to be - is ripe fodder for the happiness industry.
In fact, this cultural pressure to be happy has a number of scientists researching the impact of the phenomena.
Studies have looked at happiness (subjective feelings and lack of negative emotion), and at wellbeing (a more existential sense of what is good in life, such as positive relationships with others, a sense of meaning and an ability to tackle life's challenges).
The results were clear: the more emphasis an individual puts on the importance of seeking happiness, with its absence of negative emotions, the lower the sense of overall wellbeing that individual will experience.
Todd Kashdan, world recognised scientist and professor of psychology at George Mason University, and author of The Upside of your Dark Side, argues that in the sometimes desperate hunt for happiness, we tend to neglect a potent strength in our arsenal: that of curiosity.
It is curiosity, he argues, which plays a critical role in making our lives feel worthwhile. And it is this notion of curiosity that he sees as the spark plug, which ignites significant factors that contribute to meaning in life.
Uncover and discover the strength and understanding which lies just beneath our most negative emotions, says Kashdan, and stress, fear, pain, resentment and boredom can be transformed into vital elements for wellbeing.
So here is the riddle: The urgency of the search for the 'feel good' subjective emotions - fulfilment, contentment, and joy - can in fact invite the very opposite. That is an overwhelming sense of disconnect, of hopelessness, and of unhappy comparisons. And meantime, a clear eyed curiosity about our "negative" emotions, with all their apparent complexity and discouragement, can lead to a far greater self-understanding, with arrows pointing towards a way to live a life invested with meaning.
A bit like pulling a muscle, the twinges and pain of difficult emotions are there for good reason, say the researchers, and they need to be explored and understood - and not banished for not fitting the search for happiness.
We are conscious beings and, in order to survive, we have always searched for the patterns and meaning with which to make sense of our environment. It can only be troublesome to our psychological wellbeing if we try and stamp out our negative feelings as shameful and of no significance. And the irony is that we are much more likely to be dominated by them, as a result of the attempt to resist their presence.
The answer to this riddle then seems to be that by acknowledging our more negative realities (our despondency, anxiety or resentment), and by being prepared to explore and make sense of these emotions, we will add strength to our sense of meaning and positive self-esteem.
There is a crack, a crack in everything That's how the light gets in
Striving to be happy is going to be very difficult if it creates a panic of resistance to negative feelings. Trying to ignore or vanquish our feelings as unwanted burdens to get rid of at all costs - and by any means - can easily lead us to frustrated anger, bingeing, self-harm, despair, and worse.
We owe it to ourselves to be psychologically flexible enough to widen the definition of what constitutes our feelings of happiness - and to find the courage via a method, a group, or a trusted other, to support our navigation of the territory.
Tricks and shortcuts to happiness don't really exist beyond a temporary quick fix. Like lights on a runway, the openness to naming feelings, including the negative ones, owning them and investigating with curiosity, creates ability for us to manage our emotions without being overwhelmed.
And when we are no longer overwhelmed - then we are far freer to enjoy our right to robust psychological health and wellbeing - which is, in fact, an integral part of happiness.
