But, he added, only about two out of ten of those shy people would actually appear shy with stumbling words, lack of easy eye contact and unsmiling faces.
Not that (apart from the fact that it's not very noticeable) being "privately shy" is much better. A calm exterior might prevail but inside there is still that rolling turmoil and excessive self-consciousness, a speeding pulse and a constant and usually negative self-evaluation.
What is shyness?
Shyness is a personality trait and not a social phobia. The latter is a condition where a person suffers from a disorder, which creates high levels of anxiety and stress and humiliation on a daily basis, preventing the sufferer from living a normal life and, often leading to severe depression.
Not that anyone would say that being very shy is a picnic by contrast. It is on a spectrum, but at the much milder end. As with all human emotion, there is a neurobiology which explains it: It is apparently caused by three centres in the brain which are responsible for fear and anxiety - and which go on to trigger a whole body response we recognise as shyness, but which is in fact an over generalised fear response.
Only about two in ten are born with a genetic predisposition to shyness - for the rest of the shy population it is a condition which appears to arise from the way we were parented and from learned behaviour in life - and at times can be triggered by difficult transitions like divorce or job loss.
One upside for shy people are that they are often very good listeners, with much empathy and keen observations skills - even very young children demonstrate very strong consciences and grow into very conscientious adults. But this can feel like poor compensation when the lens you typically look through is one in which you are having to manage a strong fear of social disapproval and anxiety.
Approach: Avoid
We are driven by a powerful instinct to connect to others and this is the way we grow our attachments, our identities and shy or not, we all want to avoid being lonely. It seems sometimes that the communication opportunities are faster and louder and brighter and more intense than ever before.
Alcohol and drugs, as well as a particular obsession with electronic devices, can all be attempts to deal with shyness and can compound the problem of a push/pull, approach /avoid pattern which can be stressful and exhausting for the truly shy person.
If you are struggling - and being shy can be a terrible struggle -then a professional ear might just be a very good idea. A variety of therapeutic techniques are available an are well researched, effective and offer real relief.
For many people, shyness is manageable on an average day - and in fact studies have been found that once absorbed in a meaningful task, a shy personality is indistinguishable from that of an extraverted alpha personality.
But leading back to what one can do about shyness at a time of year when conditions feel testing, here are a few very simple tips for those parties and gatherings and dealing with shyness:
Six shyness tricks
. Just decide to attend. Even if you decide to go for just a short time.
. Practice a few topics for conversation - just simple ones, before you attend. (It can be helpful if the person who asked you can tell you a bit about some of the guests).
. Shyness can be confused with aloofness - try and keep a light smile hovering and make eye contact. And focus on the out breath, which will help relax
. Arrive early at a social gathering and you will feel less overwhelmed by the introductions - or lack of introductions.
. If you find yourself standing there with all sorts of negative thoughts spinning round, pass a bowl of chips around, talk to any children of guests (their parents will love you for it)
. Focus outward in the conversation you are having - ask questions -"how do you know Steve?"" do you live around here". Putting others at their ease can help deal with your own anxiety.
Remember that people enjoy being listened to and they recall how people made them feel - rather than what they said.
And don't forget, there have always been talented and illustrious personalities out there who have suffered shyness whilst excelling - Bob Dylan, Albert Einstein, Lucille Ball, David Letterman and Barbara Streisland - to mention but a few.
- nzherald.co.nz
