The problem is that relationships don't occur in vacuums. And although we might say our feelings are the only ones that matter, the truth is that our romantic connections are embedded in our broader social lives. And when our friends or family don't like our beloved, it can be a tricky impasse to navigate.
And yet it is incredibly important that we are able to make choices in our lives, and to be on guard for the "people pleaser" inside us. Not having developed any sense that they are inherently worth caring for - that they are loveable - for themselves, "people pleasers" strive to make themselves loveable by becoming for others whatever they think might be wanted from them.
Many of us at some point in our lives will date, or even marry, a partner with whom our families are less than thrilled. And somehow we need to get that balance right. How much does it matter what other people think of our choice of mate? Quite a lot, it would seem.
Research suggests that our perception of social approval from social networks and/or family will lead to positive relationship outcomes, such as commitment and happiness for the duration of the relationship. And that negative outcomes (infidelity, divorce and break ups), are depressingly associated with social disapproval.
A large study reported in 2015's Social Psychology Quarterly, by psychology researcher H Colleen Sinclair and colleagues, revealed we are more committed and satisfied with our relationships, to the extent that we think our friends and family support and approve of our partner.
This effect was found to be far reaching across dating and marital relationships, heterosexual and same-sex relationships, age gaps and international samples. It seems however, that if our families disapprove, but our social network approves, then it is still less likely to negatively impact our relationship.
I was thinking about this finding, when recently working with a young woman in deep crisis. Her elderly parents were angry and distressed over her love for a partner who was not of her (immigrant) parents' culture.
Their accusations of her "betrayal" through her choice of partner were a terrible burden for her. Riven with guilt, she worked through her independent thought processes with self-compassion and awareness, and was able to differentiate between the unmet emotional needs of her parents, and her authentic love.
She has just emailed to tell me she is now engaged - and has never felt happier. Friends of the couple are joyfully receiving the wedding invitations.
The researchers tell us that this is about something called "independence reactance". It is a buffer to disapproval and very different from the "defiance reactance", that heady refusal to care about the views of friends or family.
Back in the 1970s, research labelled the "Romeo and Juliet" effect found that parental interference in one's romantic relationship could lead to increases in passionate love.
But this has been discredited, and supplanted, by new research, which suggests that there is a very narrow window between parental objection and the youngsters standing together. In other words, the promise doesn't last. In Romeo and Juliet, it only lasted five days - hardly the basis for a long and happy union.
Defiance and destiny tend to not be about growth. In these times of cultural merging and severing of boundaries, we can only hope for the courage of generations to break free of repressive strictures. This is about growth, not defiance. They are very different plants.
Approval from our social networks will cancel out the problems of family and its cultural disapproval. But if we are to believe the social research, we ignore disapproval from friends as well as family, both at our peril.
Perhaps Romeo and Juliet would have had a "happier ever after" if they had only had a robust group of friends, despite their feuding families, to support their choice of partner?
In the end we have to balance out our independence and our response to the social network. The need to be independent is very different from the need to defy.
