Amongst my clients, it is the couples who describe connectedness and "love" rather than "passion" who are the ones who then feel certain enough to go on to discuss long term commitment.
Intimacy demands honesty and openness and the confiding of concerns, fears and sadnesses - as well as hopes and dreams. And the research tells us that companionate love - the warm intimacy between people - is the stronger predictor of relationship happiness.
Sexual satisfaction will often ebb and flow - and don't under rate the pillow talk.
Happy couples don't argue
Unless your relationship resembles a totalitarian state, then disagreements are going to happen.
Ever noticed that the things that attract you about each other are the things that challenge you? Stuff that drives you crazy about your partner very likely also made you crazy for them in the first place.
A healthy relationship has room for two sets of strongly held views. How we argue is the real issue - not if we argue.
Finding your way through the maze of give and take allows your relationship to live and breathe. "Never a cross word" is an unrealistic standard to aspire to - a large proportion of disagreements can't be solved - but they can be adjusted to.
Endless bickering that gets you nowhere is no yardstick for happiness with your beloved, but learning to listen, express and find the middle ground is.
Don't worry about if you argue - worry about how you argue.
We have to like each other's friends
A danger in believing this rule is that you end up faking it for the sake of your relationship. Trouble is, it is a guaranteed way to create resentment and anger.
Let your partner have time with their own friends and take time with yours. And make time too for other people that you can both relate to together.
You are likely to find it is in fact a small majority of each other's friends whom you don't enjoy.
Accept this is normal and that it does not need to be a drama.
Other people's views matter
Feeling doubtful about one's partner at times can cause people to jump to the conclusion that they are with the wrong person. Those doubts can often arise because someone has decided to share their views about your partner with you.
Old primary school habits die hard-we like to have our choices approved of. Be careful - with the exception of real concerns for your emotional or physical safety - other people's views can torpedo your own intuition and allow their prejudices or resentments to preside. The views of other people can wreak havoc. Pay more attention to your inner dialogue and be conscious of how a need for approval can push your buttons.
As Steve Jobs said: "Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your inner voice. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition".
One rule worth following
Searching for a perfect unity is a sure way to destroy relationship satisfaction.
Seeing your relationship as a journey with ups and downs allows you to live fully, to jettison the manual of rules - and to write your own customised version together.
- nzherald.co.nz
