Jill Goldson: Post-date protocol

Don't get too hung up on post-date protocol. Photo / Thinkstock

I find all the after date protocol so frustrating – the whole waiting for them to text first, or waiting 3 days before you call – does any of this actually make a difference in the early stages of courtship? Are you coming on too strong if you don’t follow these unwritten rules?

We fondly imagine that in the olden days, if one followed the rules of dating and courtship, that one would go on to have the perfect relationship that led to a common goal of settling into marriage.

One would meet someone local or from the same workplace and always the male would ask out the female. Often the process started with a "double date" and it could be a "blind date" - and if that went well then the couple would go on to dating on their own and "going steady". Girls always introduced boys to their parents and boys were not to hoot their car horns to announce their arrival. Girls were not to apply make up during the date and boys were not to attempt to kiss on a first date.

Fast forward to 2014, and some parts might be the same as it was back in 1954 - for example, a great night with a new date, eyes seeming to lock, almost finishing one another's sentences for each other, a surge of soul mate recognition - then suddenly - back home.

As the bliss gave way to reality - then and now - the incessant thoughts arrived: back in the 1950s: "Will he call me" "When will he call me" "Does she like me" "What if she says no"? And today: "Shall I call my date" "How soon can I call" "Will I look too keen"?
So back then, with very clear rules, and without our constantly tempting and easily accessed social media, there was a lot of waiting around for girls for the telephone to ring. And lots of fear of rejection for men and women. The vast majority of singles in the 1950's lived at home with their parents. A man was very clear about looking for a wholesome innocent girl who would be a homemaker and a good mother - and the girls were looking for a reliable breadwinner and someone who would make a good husband and father.

Was it easier? Well, every age has its benefits and its drawbacks. Certainly the agonies described in this week's letter about dating etiquette - and how long you have to wait for before there can be further contact - did not exist back then. It was all much clearer. But you have to balance the straightforward aspect of that with the agony of the deeply conservative and rigid rules about conforming to heterosexual, racial and class distinctions about whom you could date. Sex before marriage was ruled out and discrimination and exclusion were the order of the day. Broken hearts and deep despair often resulted from the rules of dating.

In this age of instant contact, the checking and rechecking of our phone can be debilitating and make us feel anxious and a bit embarrassed. But we are less constrained by convention - what our date does for a living, their culture or religion is secondary to our freedom to fall for whomever we want to. If we are attracted to our date after the first night, we want to know it is reciprocated. And we want to know now.

So six decades on, we know that dating rules are no longer rigid and the 3-day rule is a thing of the past. Dating rules are whatever you think feels right - freedom from convention is however, at times, replaced by uncertainty about how to act in a way which preserves your best chance of a second date.

So sometimes liberation from one code of etiquette leaves us with the stress of making up our own. The short answer is to do whatever feels right for you. But a few fundamental guidelines might be in order.

Emotional intelligence is closely linked to an understanding of how you treat people and how you want to be treated. Just as you would say thank you for a dinner party, of course you would thank your date for a fun evening. Keep it brief, your companion doesn't need to know that you think something life changing has happened to you since you met. But make the acknowledgement of appreciation. It is both chivalrous and polite to say thank you. It is also just fine to be honest - and very important. Just as Shakespeare wrote: "To thine own self be true". Be polite - and if you really liked your date then it is fine to say so. If that person is not for you, then don't lead them on with insincere comments.

Give it a day or so. If it was as good as it felt, there is likely to be contact.

We might have a surfeit of iPhone apps - but psychology doesn't change. A little bit of restraint plus some equal parts of spontaneity is the right mix, in my view.

Take comfort in the fact that If it wasn't going to work, no 'timings" would change that. Consider that little bit of restraint not as a "rule" - but as just an added layer to the anticipation of this emerging possibility.

And if that possibility is not shared by your date - then just remember that these experiences are all part of life and most of us have had the experience of a brief unrequited attraction. Keep it in perspective and congratulate yourself for being prepared to juggle both risk and opportunity - just as past generations of family have done in their lifetimes. Different rules - but the same game.

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