Jill Goldson: How to host a Christmas Grinch

Research tells us that the arrival of the grinch peaks at this season of good cheer. Photo / Getty Images

One of my clients recently described this season as a "white knuckled Christmas" for her - recently separated and struggling to manage her sadness, this is not a new story.

All those cheery songs and festive parties can certainly stir up the feelings when you are newly separated, bereaved, undergoing strife or plain old loneliness. Even when we know that the season is "commercial" and "just another day", and so on, this time of the year can, for many, put an intense microscope over where their life is - with all its memories of the past and uncertainty about the future. As my client said, "all around it's its fa-la-la-la-la and the zap of the plastic and people's plans".

We don't want to feel like spoilsports in a season which demands we smile but the real grinch at Christmas - hammering at the door and drowning out joy - is our harsh inner critic.

In it comes, jibing about the fact that you are not in a happy relationship, not having as much spending power as others or not having a functional network of friends or family. Research tells us that the arrival of the grinch peaks at this season of good cheer. Police and mental health records are sad testimony to that. Lost connections, stuckness and financial struggles are all highlighted by the buzz that surrounds us and can lead to some of us feeling quiet but incessant rumination and feelings of despair.

There are plenty of columns of advice out there, and the net message is that there are good sociological and psychological reasons for stress and sadness at Christmas. Feeling isolation and feeling out of step, or inadequate compared to those around us - either in fact or psychologically - is a powerful emotion caused by social comparison.

We are evolved to feel the pressure to stay in the pack because getting disconnected frankly meant a lion could eat you. Gratitude lists and affirmations are of little help in the face of this powerful instinct - and worse still is self-admonishment for these feelings "when you know there are others worse off than you are". Relativity is the point.

A valuable approach to these feelings is to recognise the tone of the inner voice. Rather than refusing to open the door and turning the music up to drown out the sound, extensive research has found that it helps to accept that struggle and sadness is part of human psychology.

The hammering at the door can take us by surprise, and often feels like it arrives at the worst possible time of the year. But to let it in can be the very best way to manage those feelings. Self-compassion is not selfish. Hear the voice of this uninvited guest and translate the message into kinder tones, seasoned with understanding and patience. Comparisons and shame are variants of this inner critic. Remember this personal grinch is simply an evolutionary instinct channelling itself into contemporary living conditions. Stay very aware of the unfairly harsh tones and filter them - the original message is likely to be exaggerated and not based in fact.

The likelihood of belonging to a family unit, Norman Rockwell style, is pretty low. In 2014 research by The University of Maryland suggested that only 22 per cent of American households were made up of the 1950s model of married couples with children. And going back a little way in history, we can see that the white picket fence was never the reality until comparatively recently. In many cultures, terms like brother, sister, aunt and cousin are about endearment and respect, not genetics.

Networks of people who care about each other are family - whether bound by genetics, friendship, work or love of vintage cars. And real family values are about how we treat each other.

Yet another list of tips for the season

Don't expect miracles at the family gathering. If you find yourself feeling ten years old again at the dinner table, set your boundaries and let it roll. As Bernard Shaw quipped, "If you can't get rid of the family skeleton, you might as well make it dance".

One way of tackling Christmas has been taken up by expats and locals with websites which facilitate festive meet-ups and tips on how to host Christmas if you are without a venue, family or cash.

Volunteering can make this season meaningful - it's often very over subscribed in the charities at this time of year, so have a look around you in your own micro-neighbourhood. An older couple not technologically connected and with a family far away, the workmate who doesn't know many people in this city or the newly arrived immigrant family.

Turning off the smart phone for the day is not a bad idea. Christmas FOMO is not useful.

Pace yourself. It might feel that the ideal Christmas is happening all around you - but there are likely to be flashes of tension and dry turkey in even the most perfect looking situations. Keep everything as simple as you can.

Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, ease up on your expectations of spending, socialising and doing everything according to the internalised organiser holding the checklist.

Be very kind to yourself, eat well and get a lot of sleep - regardless of whether you are surrounded by many people, or on your own.

And remember that whilst a time for reflection can be important, if you feel your reflections dipping into chronic despair or anger, and that your inner critic has you hostage - then do find the help you deserve. "Tidings of comfort and joy" are your absolute right to experience too.

Where to get help:

• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youth services: (06) 3555 906
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• The Word
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• CASPER Suicide Prevention
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.