Jill Goldson: Five ways to foster empathy

No matter what our capacity for empathy, when we become angry and defensive, our ability to empathise becomes limited. Photo / Thinkstock

My partner is self-centered and can often be cold and uncaring. When I try and talk about why I'm upset he often switches off or even starts arguing with me. Is there any hope for our future when this is going on?

Its not a very nice feeling at all when someone you are close to appears to not "get" you when you are distressed. It can be a taxing world out there and we really need to know that the person we share our most intimate relationship with is on our team.

Empathy is what we are talking about here - this is the ability to sense the emotions of someone else and to imagine what they might be thinking or experiencing. In other words, "walking a mile in another's shoes" - the very foundation of any authentic connection and the fuel of compassion.

We need, value, and seek that compassion from our partners - yet so often I hear people distressed and upset about their partner's lack of tuning in with them. Whilst of course there are definitely people who have a very restricted ability to empathise, the vast majority of humans do have this hard-wired capacity. Michael Tomasello, researcher at Max Plank Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, has demonstrated that babies as young as 14 months will offer to help an adult who cannot do a task - and will try and comfort someone in distress. Other studies have shown that animals - in particular dogs - and even rats - are capable of showing empathy. We are wired for empathy, cooperation and mutual aid as social animals who have naturally evolved to take care of each other. It is the strong attachments of the first two years of life, which have primed us for this human glue.

The chances are therefore very high that your partner is not a robotic evolutionary competitor - and is in fact endowed with this typical human ability to bond and to be naturally cooperative and empathic.

So what is it that is happening in your relationship - and in so many relationships in trouble? Neuroscientists have identified the empathy circuit in our brain. When the airwaves are clear, the person you love will experience the result of the firing of 'mirror neurons' in his brain, which cause us to try on the expressions we see in someone and to try and understand and predict their feelings. Interference with this function can limit our ability to understand what others are feeling. It is very likely that something is getting in the way of your partner's ability to tune in to your feelings and to be moved by the distress you are feeling. Rather than labelling him Aspergers, or "on the spectrum" - the first step might be to have a look at what it is that might be obstructing his understanding your distress.

The static, which gets in the way of one person hearing the distress of someone close to them, is frequently made up of a fear of a perceived threat. No matter what our capacity for empathy, when we become angry and defensive, our ability to empathise becomes limited. Very often a block to feeling empathy is the anticipation of criticism and a fear of withdrawal of love. When you are telling your partner how lonely and let down you feel the chances are high he will hear only anger and criticism of him and miss the message of vulnerability and pain you are actually feeling. Distracted by his own turmoil and fear of shame, he will likely be busy marshalling his own defences and therefore will struggle to respond to respond - or even accurately hear - the message contained in the outpouring.

When that unproductive interaction can be interrupted - as often is the case in therapy for couples - then the real message of fear and vulnerability and yearning both ways can be heard - and the pathways for empathy can be cleared again.

Interestingly, gender research shows that even if males understand their partners are upset - but get the reason wrong, women still reported higher satisfaction - as long as it was felt he was trying to understand her.

5 ways to foster empathy in your relationship:

Give your partner genuine attention. Try hard not to focus on yourself or your feelings - or a need to defend yourself - whilst they are talking.

Someone has to go first. For empathy to work it has to flow both ways. Be the bigger person and do the giving first so that you in turn can receive.

You don't have to fix it. Often experiencing empathy can be confused with fixing the problem your partner feels. What your partner needs is that you hear them - not that you sort it all out.

You can get it wrong without it being the end of the world. The main point is you are trying - this is what matters.

Listening is not enough. We also need to make ourselves vulnerable by having the capacity to remove our mask and reveal our feelings.

Be compassionate to yourself too. Acknowledge that you sometimes struggle too and treat yourself with care and understanding. Too often we internalise a harsh voice that does not offer sympathy but only criticism. Ask for what it is you need.

Once the static has been understood for what it is, and removed, it is surprising how open the road ahead can feel; in the words of singer, songwriter, Gillian Welch, "Oh, I dream a highway back to you, love..."