Jill Goldson: Does he compare me to his ex?

It is only human to believe your partner would be comparing you to his ex. Photo / Thinkstock

A recent email to me from a young woman confided that she is driven crazy by intrusive thoughts of her partner's ex and how she believes he must be comparing her. She went on to say that not only had she met his ex - and found her to be beautiful and accomplished - but that also at the start of their relationship, her boyfriend had in fact compared her during an argument.

I hear this anxiety - or a close variant of it - very, very often.

Does it help to know how common these feelings are? It should.

Exhaustive reading of profiles of your partner's ex on social media, studying photographs, listening to stories, asking questions and obsessing about details are activities which are time consuming, anxiety provoking, compulsive and secretive. Engaging in these behaviours does not prove that you are deranged, on the contrary, they are all responses which spring from the well-documented primal fear of abandonment.

And there is the double-edged sword, all rolled into one ambiguous package: attachment with all its lovely glue, and its dark twin, the terror of being discarded.

What needs to be understood is that this fear is a primal fear and not something we can or even should get rid of. The drive for secure attachment is key to living in the group. It is essential and universal to all humans and is a pivotal driving force in evolutionary survival. The part we need to discard is the dysfunctional part - the compulsive anxiety which serves no purpose but which can hover like a spectre and drain joy and happiness. And just how prolifically can that anxiety blossom in the fertile ground of social media, in long courtships, in earlier childhood trauma.

Here are some rational tips

• Stop beating yourself up - you didn't cause this fear; it is part of being human
• Take on board the responsibility for finding ways to deal with the problem rather than blaming your partner (unless you know him to be untrustworthy)
• Remind yourself that your feelings are not facts
• People come with baggage - you can't erase his history
• You, too, are someone's ex and your partner is with you because he loves you

The fact is that most people compare themselves to others and when the stakes are high, fear of unfavourable comparisons are inevitable. Talk to your partner but don't keep repeating your fear. Try and concentrate rather on the stories you and your partner can share in the now with happy times and photos, special places and people.

Working on your own self-esteem, enjoying what you do well and focusing on the others who also love you is a good start.

For those who prefer a 'how to' approach to self-regulation, Houssais, Oettingen and Mayer, psychologists from Germany and New York, researched two strategies for bad-habit fighting and wrote them up in the journal, Self regulation, Motivation and Emotion.

It goes like this:

First of all think positively about how it would feel to achieve a goal and realistically about how to get there.

For example: my goal is to stop checking my partner's phone or to stop asking him if he really loves me and if he still thinks of her. The release from our anxious compulsions can create a big relief. Concentrate for a moment on how good that relief would feel. Then focus on the obstacles to reaching that relief: for example, fear, emptiness, anxiety and habit. Jot down the obstacles on paper.

Follow this up with the if/then strategy. For example: If I feel anxious then I will keep my appointment to meet with friends; if I feel fear I will concentrate on completing something which makes me feel good like going for a fast walk.

Simple as it sounds - the science says it works. You just have to put it into practice.

But if you are overwhelmed, and it is feeling too hard, then seek some professional help and know that yours is not an unusual or shameful dilemma. Understanding, with greater self-compassion, about where your anxiety is coming from can only be helpful.