Sex-shaming, over brunch? Really? Photo / Instagram
OPINION:
"I had the BEST sex last night!" I said rather too proudly at brunch with the girls recently. All leaned in to hear the goss, except one new friend to the group who said: "Wait ... I didn't know you were dating again?!"
I replied: "I'm not!" and leant in to further to share the details.
"But wait" she said, looking further perplexed. "Then who did you have sex with?!"
I explained it was a guy I'd become friends with recently and it was fabulous! We set our boundaries, agreed that it would be just for fun, made sure it was safe, and had a jolly good night.
"Oh god," she exclaimed chuckling. "You sound like Abbie Chatfield!"
I turned to her, rather chuffed and said: "How so?!"
She replied: "Oh you know, all that 'I can have sex with whoever I want blah blah blah".
OK, well now girlfriend has got my attention.
I explained that, yes, I certainly could. And why should I be ashamed of it? She then went on to explain that she's so over women talking about their bedroom antics, and don't we worry that we'll get a "name for ourselves"? She even went as far as saying "I wouldn't want a role-model like that for my daughter when she grows up."
I kid you not… it felt like I had stepped back in time. Not even the '60s or '70s when love was free, but further than that. Back to a time when a woman's job was to get married and have babies, and not dare to dream of a grander life.
It reminded me of my years at a very strict Christian high school. I vividly recall entering my "Christian Living" class one morning to see some very bold capital letters up on the chalkboard that said: "MEN USE LOVE TO GET SEX, WOMEN USE SEX TO GET LOVE."
Then, for the next 45 minutes, I had to listen to a very God-fearing woman tell us that the devil will make us want sex, but we should abstain until we are married. That's what "proper ladies do".
Yes, we were shamed into believing that men will say anything in to getting us into bed, but we shouldn't fall for their cheeky trap.
Growing up, I soon realised I would quite like to fall for their "cheeky trap". My uni years were spent having fun, living care-free and enjoying all the worldly goods that came with being an adult exposed to late-night antics and raucous good times. I like to think that when I look back in my 80s, lavender perm, rocking chair and a wicked grin, I will think to myself: "That was the best!"
With all the fabulous women like Chatfield, Chantelle Otten, Nadia Bokody and more, publicly sharing wonderful tales about the sexual fulfilment life has to offer, I like to think we've progressed fairly far in terms of saying out loud as a women "I like sex!" but then I seem to be hit in the face with opposing views that want to shame us back into the role of quiet female.
In fact, there are at least three YouTube channels run by men in the USA that regularly read out my articles and mock me for my "slutty views". The most common chant after dissecting each and every piece of writing I've ever published is: "THIS is why she doesn't have a husband!"
The shock, the horror at daring to stay husband-free in my 30s, by choice, just seems to be too much for them to handle. The scary thing is, they have hundreds of thousands of followers. I'm usually alerted to these videos by "fake insta accounts" sending me the links. One day, gents, you will be brave enough to share your face and real name.
I genuinely hate the thought of a young woman ever feeling shame for taking pleasure in something that comes very naturally to us. So news flash… it's ok to enjoy sex, no matter if it's with a boyfriend or someone who takes your fancy for the night. Especially if it puts a pep in your step and makes you feel wonderful like it did for me last weekend. My only words of advice would be to make sure it's safe sex, because nobody's got time for a trip to the doctors, and always be careful with that heart of yours. If it feels right, jump on in, if it doesn't don't. Simple.
Telegraph: Desire for physical intimacy while grieving is common but little discussed.