Tammy Hembrow should be honoured for her indefatigable services to racy bikini photos. Photo / Instagram
Tammy Hembrow should be honoured for her indefatigable services to racy bikini photos. Photo / Instagram
Usually this time of year allows a reprieve from hating our bodies because it's too cold to strip down and, under the padding of a puffer jacket, what is out of sight is out of mind.
The only good thing about lockdowns is the cancellation of all international travel which means no more Instagram spam from bikini-clad people living it up in Positano and Mykonos while we slum it back home in the cold eating pasta.
Well, more fool me for thinking this would put a dampener on bikini content. Influencers refuse to be brought down by a pandemic or the cold. They work tirelessly to make us feel terrible about ourselves all year round. By hook or by crook, you better believe influencers will find a way to post a bikini pic no matter the situation.
Tammy Hembrow should receive an Order of Australia next year for her indefatigable services to racy bikini photos.
She posted a doozy this week showing off a rainbow string bikini along with the caption, "Focus on the good," because Instagram spirituality goes hand-in-hand with racy bikini photos.
The internet went nuts the other day when Big Brother housemate Talia slinked out to the backyard wearing a racy red bikini that looked like something Borat might wear if he ever appeared in a Baywatch remake. The Borat mankini was the punchline of a joke for so long and now dames are killing to contort into one.
These swimsuits look like they should come with a user manual and a warning that they're single-use only. Once you take it off, it probably tangles up in a knot like a pair of headphones.
I feel like this is something you can only buy on the internet. Photo / Channel 7
How do you even put this on? Photo / Channel 7
The trend is starting to reach the general public. This week thousands of people flocked down to the beach in England's Bournemouth after an easing of coronavirus restrictions.
Not even COVID was going to stop beach goers giving their bikinis a spin.
There's power in numbers and we need to band together to start the rashie renaissance. Rose Byrne was snapped over the summer rocking a rashie and Nicole Kidman was papped wearing a long-sleeve one-piece.
And remember Nigella Lawson's beach burka? Okay, that one is a bit extreme. But let's compromise – maybe we could get the best of both worlds with a thong-back beach burka.
Patent pending.
ESCAPING A HELL OF YOUR OWN MAKING
In yet another example of why it sucks to be Meghan Markle, it seems she can't ditch a boring party without copping it.
A tell-all book from Lady Colin Campbell claims the royal family rift started just three days after the Sussex wedding at a garden party for Charles' 70th birthday where Meghan told Harry she was bored and asked to leave after 15 minutes.
Of course Meghan was bored. Who wouldn't be? She was hanging out in a backyard with a bunch of old people in kilts.
I have no doubt Camilla knows how to throw a rager, but you just know a group of conservative palace advisers would've hit the skids and took over the reins the moment she suggested getting a frozen daiquiri machine and a piñata that resembled Fergie. They would've ensured the party was a total downer.
Was it the moment a rift formed? Who knows. But that stuffy old party is certainly the exact moment Meghan realised what she had married into – a sobering lesson that royal life is not all it's cracked up to be. She would've been trapped in a conversation with a bunch of decrepit British people sipping sherry and talking about hunting or plaid.
Of course Meghan wanted to get the hell out of there and hightail it back to her castle turret where she could kick back and watch Netflix.
It's the worst when you're stuck in a hell of your own making. I haven't been trapped with any decrepit British people but I imagine it's similar to the torture I endured when I had to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button twice in one day because I lied to a date and said I hadn't seen it yet. That three hour snoozefest makes a conversation about plaid seem like a rollercoaster ride.
Meghan's not the only person getting bored and abandoning life.
Russell Crowe revealed this week his kids ditched him during the pandemic and pissed off to Sydney instead of hanging out on his farm.
Who knows what Rusty's farmhouse looks like but there's probably a lot of kerosene lamps and hunting for your own food.
He couldn't believe they didn't want to be stuck in the bush but, honestly, there's only so many times you can tear around the paddock in dad's old Gladiator chariot before it gets old.
Russell said he asked the kids why the hell they wanted to leave the bush and their answer was simple: Uber Eats.
