James Matthews and Pippa Middleton tied the knot over the weekend. Photo/Getty Images
James Matthews and Pippa Middleton tied the knot over the weekend. Photo/Getty Images
Giving a best man's speech is always a tricky proposition.
But it appears that James Matthews' best man, Justin Johannsen, may have crossed the line between affectionate banter and down-right bawdiness.
His ten-minute address, which began, fortunately, long after the children had left at 11.30pm, made several close-to-the-knuckle references including likening Pippa to a dog, referencing her world-famous bottom - and even a crude reference to sex, according to Daily Mail.
The latter saw him say: "With the wedding shadowed in secrecy, I can reveal, and wish the bride and groom a happy honeymoon in North Wales.
"At least that's where I presume they are going as I heard Spencer saying that after the wedding, he was going to Bangor for two weeks. Enjoy the Welsh coast, guys."
His punch-line apparently earned little more than polite titters from the guests.
Although it had long been suggested that James's brother, television reality star and notorious lothario, Spencer, would be given the honour, it was a long-time friend of James who stepped up to the mark after a five-course sit down-dinner in the $186,000 marquee erected in the Middleton family's garden.
According to thebestmanspeech.com, such addresses are "typically light" but do involve a sometimes "full and frank character assassination of the groom".
"This can take the form of entertaining stories, deft one-liners or illuminating observations, and then, after the odd sprinkling of sentiment, you'll want to ramp things up with a killer ending to make your speech as memorable as possible," it says.
Admittedly it started promisingly enough, as he opened by paying tribute to those who had travelled far and wide and thanking the adorable children who had been present earlier - including Princes George and Princess Charlotte, saying: "Thank you to you all from being here today, some having travelled as both families have roots in Yorkshire, so I will say this: 'Hear all, eat all, drink all and let your hair down'.
"Thank you to all the flower girls and page boys, who have helped make today so special. They have had a very long day."
Pippa stunned in this gorgeous, seamless lace gown designed by Giles Deacon. Photo/Getty Images
There were also the traditional messages from friends including one that revealed the lengths Pippa went to in her pre-wedding fitness regime.
He said: "Firstly, some messages from those who couldn't be here today. 'Wish Pippa the best with the hair. We have really enjoyed seeing you and how you have mastered interpretive dance. Don't forget to buttock clench on the star jumps.' That's from Steve and the gang at the Crazy Feet dance studio in Soho."
Then there was a gentle, but affection tribute to the groom himself - and a revelation about how he had been carrying the rings.
"Ladies and gentlemen, as I just said, I have the great honour of being James' best man", he said.
"I have to say that James has made it a remarkably easy job since he has been here. He has been totally calm throughout.
"Other than having to having to carry all of his baggage, the hard part was to keep the rings safe. James doesn't know this but I have a habit of losing things. Not often, but they are usually quite expensive.
"So I resolved to keep them on my person the entire time that they were in my custody.
"We both got up for a run early this morning and James jokingly asked if the rings were on my person.
"I had them in a shower cap tucked in my shorts. He said 'really, in a shower cap? I don't want that in my head when I am putting the ring on Pippa's finger in the church."
"I'm sure it wasn't on your mind in the church, but it was on your mind now, sorry Pippa."
Mr Johannsen then dug back into his book of lame best man jokes, saying: "I'm not married. But I took a girl home, my mother didn't like her. Took another girl home and my mother still didn't like her.
"So I went out and picked a girl that looked like my mother, took her home, and my father didn't like her."
He added: "James and I met ten years ago. Since then he did enough long distance together that we probably shouldn't have any cartilage left in our knees.
"While success on the track did not translate to the road, where James was involved in a police chase on his moped as a teenager.
"But I have it on good authority that James is gullible. Early in his career, while racing for motorsport, James was asked to get some items from another racing team.
"So James promptly asked a competitor's engineers if he could please have some tartan paint.
James' mother Jane Matthews and Pippa's mother Carole Middleton chose simple pastels for the big day. Photo/Getty Images
"After Formula 3, James pursued a career in the world of finance joining his brother at Lloyds.
"Once again his gullibility was tested after his team sent him to a bar in Soho to get the drinks then, since was full of people not of James' sexual persuasion, decided not to go at all.
"After a few admiring glances James, realising he had been had, and was about to be, turned on his heels and ran.
"There was a time when both James and I were single. We took ourselves off on a boys" weekend. I proclaimed to James that I was going to try it on with anything that moves.
"I said to James, 'what are you going to do?' He said: 'Stand very still.'
It was towards the end of his speech that the more cruder references appeared, just before he introduced Pippa and James's first dance.
"Now to the love of James' life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind. But that is enough about James's spaniel, Rafa, I'm here to talk about James' love, Pippa."
Fortunately he added, in a warm tribute to Pippa's "gutsiness, spirit and beauty": As James said, they met in Scotland in 2009 and a friendship blossomed.
"They have a deep and instinctive love for each other.
"I think I can say for everyone, that you look stunning. The image of perfection. I know that James first fell in love with your gutsiness and your spirit and then succumbed to your beauty. You make James extremely happy.
"You have a voir la joie that warms the hearts of everyone who knows you and you have won the heart of the best man that I know.
"Now for the moment that we have all been waiting for - take it away Fred and Ginger."
The full best man's speech
"Thank you to you all from being here today, some having travelled as both families have roots in Yorkshire, so I will say this: 'Hear all, eat all, drink all and let your hair down'.
"Thank you to all the the flower girls and page boys, who have helped make today so special. They have had a very long day.
"Firstly, some messages from those who couldn't be here today. 'Wish Pippa the best with the hair. We have really enjoyed seeing you and how you have mastered interpretive dance. Don't forget to buttock clench on the star jumps.' That's from Steve and the gang at the Crazy Feet dance studio in Soho.
"Ladies and gentlemen, as I just said, I have the great honour of being James' best man.
"I have to say that James has made it a remarkably easy job since he has been here. He has been totally calm throughout.
"Other than having to having to carry all of his baggage, the hard part was to keep the rings safe. James doesn't ok now this but I have a habit of losing things. Not often, but they are usually quite expensive.
"So I resolved to keep them on my person the entire time that they were in my custody.
"We both got up for a run early this morning and James jokingly asked if the rings were on my person.
"I had them in a shower cap tucked in my shorts. He said 'really, in a shower cap? I don't want that in my head when I am putting the ring on Pippa's finger in the church.'
"I'm sure it wasn't on your mind in the church, but it was on your mind now, sorry Pippa.
"I'm not married. But I took a girl home, my mother didn't like her. Took another girl home and my mother still didn't like her.
"So I went out and picked a girl that looked like my mother, took her home, and my father didn't like her.
"James and I met 10-years-ago. Since then he did enough long distance together that we probably shouldn't have any cartilage left in our knees.
"While success on the track did not translate to the road, where James was involved in a police chase on his moped as a teenager.
"But I have it on good authority that James is gullible. Early in his career, while racing for motorsport, James was asked to get some items from another racing team.
"So James promptly asked a competitor's engineers if he could please have some tartan paint. He then asked for sparks said for spark plugs and elbow grease.
"After Formula 3, James pursued a career in the world of finance joining his brother at Lloyds. Once again his gullibility was tested after his team sent him to a bar in Soho to get the drinks then, since was full of people not of James' sexual persuasion, decided not to go at all.
"After a few admiring glances James, realising he had been had, and was about to be, turned on his heels and ran.
"There was a time when both James and I were single. We took ourselves off on a boys' weekend. I proclaimed to James that I was going to try it on with anything that moves.
"I said to James, 'what are you going to do?' He said: 'Stand very still.'
"Now to the love of James' life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind. But that is enough about Jame's spaniel, Rafa, I'm here to talk about James' love, Pippa.
"As James said, they met in Scotland in 2009 and a friendship blossomed.
"They have a deep and instinctive love for each other.
"I think I can say for everyone, that you look stunning. The image of perfection. I know that James first fell in love with your gutsiness and your spirit and then succumbed to your beauty. You make James extremely happy.
"You have a voir la joie that warms the hearts of everyone who knows you and you have won the heart of the best man that I know.
"With the wedding shadowed in secrecy, I can reveal, and wish the bride and groom a happy honeymoon in North Wales.
"At least that's where I presume they are going as I heard Spencer saying that after the wedding, he [James] was going to Bangor for two weeks. Enjoy the Welsh coast, guys.
