Dear Bitter,
The big decisions rarely come to us in a flash of joyful inspiration. They are more likely to be hard-reached and hard-worn.
There is a process to healthy decision-making whereby we weigh up pros, cons, parameters, possibilities and probabilities.
This decision, in particular, will have seen you taking into consideration all manner of hopes and dreams and having to efficiently manage your expectations. And therein lies the rub: expectations.
When life does not deliver on the expectations we have always believed were rightfully ours, then we can find ourselves in a battle with not only the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, but with our own self-esteem and a newly cast evaluation of our place in the world – in the lexicon of everything and everyone we know.
But let us tell you this: there is nothing but positive energy around the choice that you have made. It rules nothing out. It may well give you more agency in your life. More freedom. More time. It is brave and wise and it is not a decision that you need to dwell on and seethe over.
Once it is done, it is done and you will not feel this way forever. You look around and, everywhere, you see “the dream”. It can help to remember two things: first, that there are different dreams, different paths to fulfilment – there is always more than one dream.
Second, as you survey a landscape that appears to be populated by fairy tales made up of 2.2 children and diamond solitaires, remember that these textbook scenarios are not, by definition of their shape, any kind of guarantee of happiness. You know this.
We often stop enquiring how people’s communication, laughter, sex life and satisfaction are bowling along once the ring is on the finger – because it can feel a bit rude. When we are dating, everyone asks about everything. But, once weddings and/or babies happen, a conspiracy of silence takes hold. Look at the statistics: half of these dreams will, at some point, become nightmares.
Many already are. That said, it does feel sad to feel outside. Left out. Something scary happens in our early 30s whereby the scenery shifts from mostly single people to mostly couples. Blink and it’s happened. It’s uncomfortable; the narrative of millennia that casts us as drooping like unplucked flowers on a vine. You could have been “plucked”, Bitter. You tell us that in your unedited letter.
But the pluckers mucked around and you wisely walked away. Acknowledging this disappointment could be the first step on the path to the liberty that these frozen eggs may have given you. Allow the relative peace of mind to give you motivation to enjoy your life. To devour your life. You are no longer a throbbing ovary being run by that hectic combination of biological imperative and panic.
You are just… you. So, you’re not grateful. Big deal. That is not another reason to find yourself wanting. Don’t force the gratitude; it won’t be real. But perhaps set an intention to convert your perspective. We are all so “triggered” nowadays.
And it’s completely understandable that every pregnant bump, every wedding, every bloody baby shower invitation feels like acid. But they don’t make you any less pregnant or married. “Compare and despair” someone once annoyingly said.
That annoying person was annoyingly right. So, if you can attempt to see the glimmers instead of the triggers, you may feel less furious and stuck. Glimmers are tiny moments of awe. They cause minuscule mood shifts. They make us feel safe and hopeful and our nervous system responds.
They can help improve our entire state of mind. They can inspire gratitude and joy. Go for walks, Bitter. Go for long walks. Stop worrying about “What You Want” and start thinking about what you want. A crumpet rather than a five-year plan. A swim rather than a house.
Think about what you want to feel rather than what you want to have. You can get your baby by hook or by crook, Bitter. But, for now, allow yourself some peace. You have surely earnt it. You are going to be better than fine.
