Sex therapist Kate Moyle reveals how couples can overcome intimacy issues and build stronger connections in and out of the bedroom. Photo / 123rf
From mismatched libidos to insecurities, sex and relationship psychotherapist Kate Moyle discusses how couples can reconnect in the bedroom
WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only
Many of us will face challenges and changes to our sex life over the years, says Kate Moyle, a sex and relationship psychotherapist. From mismatched libidos and body insecurities, to a complete disinterest in sex altogether, she’s seen more than 150 couples who have come to her with a range of issues.
Here, the couple’s sex therapist talks us through the advice she wishes all couples knew when it comes to making their sex life work for them:
Whatever problem you’re facing in your sex life, communicating with your partner is the first step, but stick to a non-sexual context. Talking about sex immediately before, after or during sex isn’t recommended — separating the two opens up space for the conversation to feel more neutral and less charged. If you’re the one initiating the conversation (for example, you may be bringing up that you feel disconnected or worried about the lack of sex you’re having) frame it positively. So you might say, “I feel really close to you when we’re having sex and I’d like to do it more”, rather than “I feel distant from you because we haven’t had sex in a while”.
Another gentle way of opening up the conversation around sex is to use prompts — you could send them something you’ve watched on TV or a podcast you’ve listened to and ask, “What do you think about this scene?” or say “I found this conversation really interesting”.
Anything from a sex scene in a film to a meme about relationships can be a good springboard into a wider conversation and much more of an easy opener, rather than having to initiate the conversation from scratch or go in cold.
Bear in mind you may not immediately get the response you wanted. Give them time to digest it, particularly if you’re a couple who don’t usually have these frank conversations — you’re one step ahead. Sometimes even dropping subtle cues ahead of bringing it up (“I’ve been thinking about us talking about sex a bit more, how do you feel about that?”) can set up the conversation instead of suddenly landing it on them and expecting them to be in the same head space. Remember, when we’re caught off guard, it’s easy to feel defensive.
One of the most common ways clients measure the “success” of sex is by its regularity, which isn’t actually a great measure. It doesn’t tell us anything about the quality of sex we’re having or the satisfaction anyone’s receiving. And for many couples, their definition of what a “good” sex life is can vary — one person may feel unloved or unattractive to their partner based on the frequency of sex, but the other may think “I hadn’t even thought about our sex life — we’re absolutely fine”.
The same goes for orgasms — it’s easy to measure sex as a “pass or fail” based on whether we reach climax or not. The problem with this is that we become so preoccupied with orgasm that it takes our attention away from the sensations — and the pleasure — most likely to get us there. That focus on orgasm can create additional pressure, too, and that pressure, and the consequent anxiety we feel, is the thing that can inhibit us sexually, taking us out of the moment and stopping us enjoying ourselves. So, ironically, that focus on orgasming can be the very thing that gets in the way of us actually having one.
The best thing we can do is take these predefined goals out of our heads and instead turn our attention to pleasure, with no expectations for what happens next. For example, that might look like having a bath or shower together or agreeing to give each other a sensual massage. Or even playing a card game about sex. All the focus for so long has been on one part of sex — the end goal — which, in my experience, gets people caught up in bigger problems because it devalues the other enjoyable elements of sex.
If sex feels like a thorny issue — perhaps you’re feeling pressure because of mismatched libidos or issues like body confidence and illness have seen sex flounder in your relationship — I’d suggest going back to basics and taking penetrative sex out of the equation. When sex becomes a stressor and we’re in a relationship, our partner can get caught up in becoming part of that stress, since they’re the person with whom we’re having sex. In order to recalibrate that and rebuild that positive association, get used to enjoying each other’s company without sex — it will help calm that anxiety response.
I’d tell clients in this situation to think about other ways that they can increase what we call “sexual currency” (anything in a relationship that positively contributes to sex and maintaining an erotic or sexual connection). So perhaps that’s a flirty text, a kiss when you walk past each other or reaching out for each other when you get home — giving each other attention, essentially. All these small things help build a more solid grounding for sex and are the things that fall away when sex becomes a problem. The good news is, they can be rebuilt.
I see a lot of clients who say “I’ve lost desire” or “I don’t want sex” but actually it’s that it has changed, not that it has been lost. And that worried feeling that you’ve lost desire can be a desire-dampener in itself, adding extra pressure. I tell clients that the most predictable thing about sex is that it will change — we all think it’s meant to be this fixed entity, but it’s really not.
The reality is that a lot of people, particularly in long-term relationships (and more typically women), don’t think about sex or have that desire for sex out of the blue. This is because desire can be responsive, so instead of us having this innate motivation for sex like in the films — when it’s spontaneous or proactive, that sort of “flash of lightning” sex — more often than not, we start something (like kissing or touching) and the desire to continue emerges from that.
This means that we need to create a context where sex could happen, without making it the focus. So that might be lying in bed, talking and touching, without our phones. While we might not be in the mood for sex when we get into bed, what you’ll notice is that as you lean into that scenario, the desire is “triggered”. So creating the context means the desire comes afterwards.
I speak to a lot of people who feel “touched out” — perhaps they’re constantly grabbed and pawed at during the daytime by children or grandchildren, or have a lot of responsibilities and people depending on them. What happens in these situations is that people get into the mindset of thinking that they’re being touched because their partner expects sex, which makes them flinch or recoil since they’re completely exhausted.
One way to recalibrate this mindset is touching for touch’s sake, with no expectation of it going anywhere or turning into sex. If you start doing that, often it leads to more unexpectedly — so touching each other to feel the warmth of their skin, or to enjoy a hug without the intention of it becoming something more. Then, ironically, sometimes it does lead to more, but it also helps us reconnect and enjoy the feel and sensation of being close to our partner — and having their undivided attention, too.
It’s also important to acknowledge these ebbs and flows to our sex life neutrally, without judgment. One of the biggest inhibitors of desire — which consequently makes it even worse — is when we shame ourselves for struggling with it (or a lack of). If you’re noticing a lack of desire for sex, approach it neutrally and don’t give yourself a hard time for feeling that way. Desire is completely natural and will fluctuate, depending on all sorts of things happening in your life.
Instead, focus on other ways to connect with your partner that don’t involve sex. Because if you’re, say, struggling with low mood and a consequent lack of desire, it’s unlikely that you’ll experience a sudden burst of energy for sex. But what we might feel instead, when we are connected to our partner in a situation with no pressure or expectation, is closer to them, which then brings the potential for the situation to move into a sexual space after all.
As told to Sophie Goddard
Kate Moyle is a sex and relationship psychotherapist and the author of The Science of Sex, a “sex education book for grown-ups”. She also hosts The Sexual Wellness Sessions Podcast – find it on iheartradio
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