KEY POINTS:
Gidday mate, how ya going? Now look, we know you're not that into fashion. Because you're an average New Zealand guy. And traditionally the average New Zealand guy doesn't really worry too much about fashion. Nor do his mates.
Sure, you'll pay a little bit of attention - especially when the little lady starts to go on about your smelly old T-shirts with beer logos on. But on the whole you think Hedi Slimane is a diet product, a fauxhawk kills possums, and that in fashion-speak skinny legs refer to, well, just skinny legs.
Well, we've got news for you. The time has come to sharpen up. Because, come on, even the All Blacks are looking a bit spiffy these days. Daniel Carter gets fancy haircuts and appears in the front row at the Zambesi runway shows. And what's good enough for him must be good enough for you lot.
Anyway, we've made it easy for you. The following are seven painless ways to easily update your look. Just add one of these items to what you're wearing already and you'll be looking a touch more modern. Add two or three and you'll be beating off the hotties with a stick. Wear them all at once and watch out, someone will put you on a catwalk - or maybe in a cool band.
A SCARF
It's such a small thing but it can be so transformative. Think of it like this: it's a bit like a tie with a formal suit or shirt. The right one can enhance the whole look, whereas the wrong one ruins everything, no matter how nice a suit you're wearing. The daring may like to go for something striped or in brighter colours. Others could go with long, grey, black or a chunky knit.
A STRIPE OR TWO
No, they're not just for sailors. One of the easiest fashion looks at present is the humble horizontal stripe. It has a cool vintage feeling and works on everyone, from streetwise rockers to advertising executives. While the wild men of fashion may like a striped trouser, most blokes will benefit from a striped jumper, knit, T-shirt or sweatshirt. Go for a stripe with black or grey for contrast and you can get away with almost anything else on your legs and feet.
A SLIM SILHOUETTE
This one is slightly more difficult, especially if you have what female followers of fashion call body issues or, ahem, middle-aged spread. But really, the baggy jean and floppy, pleated trouser is all a little bit nana-pants right now. Add a slim cut trouser or a thinner jean to your wardrobe and your bottom half says it all in style. To find the right style, you'll need to join all those women in search of the ultimate pair of pants - try a few on to see what suits you best.
Even the skater boys have adopted this look a little - it's only the hard core of hip-hop that wears their pants and shirts so oversized that they still look like 3-year-olds in daddy's clothing.
If you can pull it off figure-wise, the same also applies to your top half. Although the name may suggest otherwise, Hedi Slimane isn't a diet product - he's one of the menswear designers credited with starting masculine fashion's swing back to skinny when he made beautiful suits for thin rocker boys a staple of Dior's runway in Paris. The most fashionable look straight off the runways - bigger on top, skinny on the bottom but well cut and trim all round - is still a most suave silhouette.
LEATHER SHOES
There's nothing like a buff boot or a leather shoe to make the most boring outfit look stylish. And, okay, a lot of people will have opinions on what sorts of leather shoes you should be wearing. All we can advise is, if in doubt, go for something plain. You may also wish to read the preceding Fashion Crimes story to avoid the most unfashionable footwear. Anyway, a simple black boot or shoe goes with anything and makes you look like man of the world. Even the humble Blundstone boot looks better than a running shoe from the Warehouse or an over-decorated pseudo-sneaker, guys.
Also worth bearing in mind, is that most onlookers, including your boss, prefer a leather shoe that's clean and well looked after.
AN ADVENTUROUS COLOUR OR A PRINT
If you're in the mood to make a bit more of a fashion statement, add just one piece of adventurously coloured or printed clothing to your ensemble. Say an apple-green T-shirt. Or maybe a tangerine vest. The milder-mannered bloke might like to try a scarf in any shade other than black, blue, grey or brown.
Prints and textures are also becoming more common in men's clothing, to the point where they are usurping the sloganeering T-shirt or sweatshirt. This means anything from more masculine plaids, checks and macho patterns like skulls to more thrill-seeking neons for the youthful dandy. If you like the latter idea, you can take the jumpers of a youthful David Bain, pre-prison days, for inspiration.
Finally, if you're just starting with this fashion malarkey, you'll be keeping your colours and patterns up top. Trousers and shoes in brilliant hues or patterns require a little more sartorial confidence to carry off.
A CARDIGAN
Some chaps may baulk at this. And sure, if a cardigan brings on uncomfortable thoughts of either skinny indie boys, kindergarten kids or your granny, then feel free to skip straight to the next item. However everyone else can only benefit from this canny piece of knitwear. It's warm, it's simple and, no matter what colour or style, it has retro flair. Just throw it on over a T-shirt and all of sudden - woah fella! - you're doing fashion.
A TAILORED JACKET OR COAT
If in doubt, cover the lot up. Just make sure you're covering it up with something nice. This will probably mean spending some serious cash on something like a tailored blazer, a pea coat or, for the seriously fashionable, a trench coat. When you're getting the credit card out just be sure that this is something you feel comfortable wearing because a well-cut coat or jacket lends your look a sort of grown up sophistication. If you're going for a classic shape, it will also last you several years, existing outside the ever-changing vagaries of trendy. The other brilliant thing about this type of garment is that, when fitted well, it enhances your masculine booty and slims down any bits that need slimming down.
Just make sure that when you eventually take it off, you're not going to shock everyone with a multi-coloured polyester print jumper and tasty brown slacks underneath.
And if you really want the latest trends
* Luxe sportswear or athletic-inspired looks
* Neo-rave, day-glo colours
* Grey marl
* Plaids, flannels and checks
* Slouchy layers and grungey looks
* Eco-friendly fabrics that look washed out
* Retro-styled sneakers
* Loafers
* Ironic preppy looks
* Skinny-but-not-supertight trousers
* A little sheen in fabrics
* Loose trench coats
* Late 70s-style rockers
* Tousled, longer hair
* Big and low or no-waisted on top
* Tone-on-tone colours
