Herald on Sunday rating: 1.5/5
Address: 157 Hobson Street
Ph: (09) 925 0799
Websites: achhobson.co.nz
The press release came from a PR agency with offices in Auckland and Sydney. It opened with the sentence "There's little doubt the beauty and splendour of the Auckland City Hotel enthrals", which, I think you will agree, is not the work of a great prose stylist.
It got worse.
Sentence two said that "within resides" a culinary gem. Sentence three promised that "Delectable, authentic Malaysian cuisine is served within the heritage building resides by new owners of the restaurant previously known as Bing's Malaysian Restaurant". (Yes, you do know what they mean, but that's not really the point, is it?)
It also managed to deliver the contact details of not one, but two PR consultants, while tantalisingly withholding the address and telephone number of the client restaurant, which was presumably presented with a substantial invoice for professional services. Naturally, I had to go.
May 1 is a good day to review a Malaysian restaurant because this month is May-laysia, part of a year-long campaign "to educate consumers about Malaysian cuisine and to encourage trial".
Well, The Mustard Seed was a trial all right. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
If the beauty and splendour of the Auckland City Hotel enthrals you, you probably haven't seen the Town Hall.
The hotel, which will be 100 next year, looks from the outside like a commendable piece of preservation in one of the most conscientiously ugly parts of town, but the lobby is characterless and the dining room - sorry, the "grand dome-shaped ceiling dining hall" - is a disaster.
It was evidently once a trade union hall - apt for a May Day review - but looks more like a wood-lined Nissen hut, and as you enter you pass the space reserved for the breakfast buffet, which positively screams cornflakes and canned peaches.
Then, if you're anything like us, they seat you in a corner, between a stack of unused chairs and the busy door leading to the guest rooms, even though the place is almost empty.
Our waiter, who may have been one of the owners, was affable to a fault. Discovering the Professor's specialty, he was keen to tell her all about the work he had done in her area.
No harm in that, of course, but we would later have cause to wish that he had devoted more attention to the work he was doing at the time.
We made it plain that there were two at the table who didn't eat meat - though were happy with seafood and fish. We then ordered a seafood laksa. A chicken laksa duly arrived.
We made it even plainer - the exact words I used were "that's rather important" - that one of our number had a peanut allergy and that we did not want the "crushed peanuts" specified on the menu in another dish. It arrived with the peanuts liberally and gleefully sprinkled.
At one point the waitress arrived with a fried-noodle dish we had not expressed any interest in. When I told her so, she whimpered faintly. I was beginning to know how she felt.
The food that did resemble what we had ordered was characterless and bland, like food hall but twice the price.
Those who tried them reckoned the curry puffs were excellent, but nothing else got that assessment from any of us.
Malaysia being the culinary crossroads of Asia, the food borrows promiscuously from the cuisines of neighbouring countries. However, at The Mustard Seed they do none of them justice.
The tom yum soup was a mildly spicy tomato broth; the "traditional South Indian lamb curry" was so bland that it would probably have been confiscated in South India; the braised eggplant had the telltale cornflour sheen that aficionados of Chinese takeaways know so well; the beef rendang had the consistency of an industrial adhesive; and the rice was gluggy.
My son and his girlfriend spent much of the meal telling us about great Malaysian restaurants they know in Auckland. I'll report on one at the end of May-laysia.
Ambience: Hangar
Vegetarians: May struggle
Watch out for: Peanuts
Bottom line: Flirting with disaster
THE BILL
$148 for four*
Curry puffs: $7
Tom yum soup: $15.90
Chicken laksa: $12.50**
Tamarind snapper: $26.90
Beef rendang: $23.90
Lamb curry: $23.90
Braised eggplant: $18.90
Thai tofu: $16.90
Rice and roti: $11
Wine (two glasses): $18
* A 10 per cent discount is standard.
**Not charged for.
