That Guy: Out of office memo - Tell someone who cares

If you are reading this it means I realise you are reading it but I am out of the office at the moment, and won't be back until November 3.

I am on holiday in Fiji, spending time with my family. Not that my family is Fijian. They are joining me there from New Zealand.

However, I know many Fijian families and would love to spend time with them, but they live in Mt Albert.

If there is any urgent mail or feedback you want to send me, you should send it either directly to the editor or to one of the other columnists - either Deborah, Steve, Kerre, the new guy Brian or the "lefty" Matt McCarten.

I might just interrupt myself there ... when I say "lefty", I am not referring to his political leanings, but the leanings of his testicles.

I have shared many a urinal with Matt and I can vouch for the fact that Matt, much like myself, clearly leans to the left, always washes his hands, and makes pleasant and not-too-awkward urinal conversation.

I appreciate that many of your emails and letters can be of a personal nature.

Rest assured that all the other columnists are professionals and will treat your issues with the discretion and respect they deserve.

I suspect it's a bit like building up the courage to visit your GP because of a nasty erogenous rash (a rash that has taken over one of your primary erogenous zones) only to find that your normal doctor has taken the day off and you have to see a doctor, probably female, who you have never seen before.

Of course, it doesn't help matters that she herself is quite sexually attractive in a kind of sexy-older-woman-who-is-actually-five-years-younger-than-you kind of way.

My point is, it is initially embarrassing seeing this new doctor but soon you come to realise that they, too, are professionals and are trained to handle pretty much anything you can throw at them, and they have seen and heard it all before.

At the end of the day the worst-case scenario is that you get a glass of red wine tipped over your head.

But back to the admin in hand.

If you really feel you need to communicate with me over the next couple of weeks, you can contact my PA, Tina, by contacting her PA, Brenda.

Brenda doesn't deal with my needs specifically, so be careful how you handle yourself; she is Generation Y or Z and can be a little precious at times.

In a seashell, she doesn't like being told or asked what to do and can make you feel like a bit of a fat old loser at the drop of a hat.

If you get past her, leave a message for Tina, asking her to contact me in Fiji.

I will be checking my emails from the hotel fax machine on a daily basis, and if I end up buying one of these timeshares after the seminar on Sunday I can be contacted directly from my room.

That's assuming, of course, there is already a phone line installed, but rest assured that I have reminded myself I will be asking about all that on Sunday.

In a nutshell, unless it is very urgent, I am advising you to just stay at home until I get back, and if in doubt just follow the same procedures you would follow if you thought you had swine flu.

Please contact me directly at the hotel land line if you think you might be pregnant.

Anyway, I know it is only 616 words but I don't really care - I have to take my neighbour's car out to the airport before they get home.

God speed,

Love, Leigh.

Sorry - 624 words now.

- HERALD ON SUNDAY