That Guy: Gone troppo for timeshares and partner swaps

Bula everybody. I am on holiday in Fiji at the moment, so what better time to pull out a relaxing stress-free column that doesn't involve too much physical or mental effort?

This would be a situation ideally suited to a pre-written column that I store in a file called "Columns for when I am on holiday", but unfortunately there aren't any in the folder at present and, besides, that folder doesn't actually exist. Only an absolute geek of a columnist would have columns pre-written for such occasions.

No, the column I am about to write has to be fresh. It must encapsulate what a holiday is all about and ideally it needs to be knocked out in less than nine minutes as I am writing it on the communal resort computer and "log-in time" is sold in 10-minute chunks.

If I fail to do this, the cost starts coming out of my end. Using nine minutes instead of the allotted 10 is also wise as it factors in a one-minute safety buffer before I am terminated from the resort system, possibly before I have saved my work.

Ideally, I will be trying to do the column in eight minutes as then I will have the luxury of checking my emails or of Googling myself to see if anything new or interesting comes up that I should know about before I return home.

Anyway, the interesting dynamic about this holiday is the fact that the resort accommodation is free as part of a promotional package.

The only catch is that we have to attend a 90-minute timeshare presentation, and preferably part with $65,000 to buy one.

We spent the first three days of the holiday putting off the presentation, but on the fourth day we downed half a dozen pina coladas, threw in sex on the beach, then attended the 8am presentation.

This was no mean feat for me as I had stayed up most of the night drinking with the resort security guard outside my bure.

Most of the one-on-one presentation involved the resort sales rep asking my wife and I what we wanted most from a holiday. Ironically, of course, it was to be left in peace, but we accepted that this was a necessary evil if we were to get our accommodation for nothing.

The rep also suggested we go into this presentation with an open mind and I have to admit we probably didn't. I could see the benefits of the package, but it wasn't quite for us, so we focused on trying to get out of the presentation as politely as possible, and preferably well under the scheduled 90 minutes.

I saw my opportunity about halfway through when he asked whether we had any other questions.

"What would happen to the timeshare if my wife and I broke up? And would I be able to bring my new younger wife or partner in on the same package?"

My wife was shocked, of course, but caught on and followed my cue. She asked whether she could bring her other partner - a highly sexed pilates instructor called Steve - in on a joint package with her.

I made out that I believed things were all over with "Steve", and suggested that if "Steve" had as big a package as my wife claimed, he should buy his own package and leave our joint package out of it.

This information was sufficiently confusing to derail this proven sales format.

Just 45 minutes into it, the rep stopped the presentation, and changed roles from timeshare sales rep to marriage counsellor.

As we left the office I suggested he give us a call to discuss the opportunity further, but he never did. This has been one of the most relaxing family holidays we have had in years. In fact, it has been like a second honeymoon. I just wish Steve wasn't here with us.

- HERALD ON SUNDAY