It takes two to tango

Claire Balfour is writing a play about infidelity. Photo / Herald on Sunday

I'm due to meet her in a French restaurant on central Auckland's Elliott St. She's a playwright and yoga instructor, and it's late on a Thursday night. She has a tango lesson to finish upstairs, and I've told my wife I'm working late.

This meeting is pure infidelity. But Claire Balfour, who emigrated from Scotland to New Zealand 10 years ago, isn't out to snare a married man. Far from it: "I'd never go out with a man in a relationship. If they'd do that to their partner, what would they do to me?" she asks.

Affairs often make big headlines if the cheated or cheater are in the public eye. Sandra Bullock got more attention after splitting from her husband following his affair with a tattoo model than for her Best Actress gong at the Oscars.

Tiger Woods, once known only for golf, is now nicknamed the Cheetah. And in NZ, Nicky Watson fuelled the gossip fires by hooking up with Matthew Ridge before her divorce from international playboy Eric Watson was finalised in 2003.

While infidelity is globe spanning, New Zealanders seem more prolific and nonchalant in their extramarital promiscuity than elsewhere, says Balfour.

"In the UK people who have affairs treat it as revenge: 'You did this to me, now I'll get you back'," she says. "Here in NZ, my personal view is that it's 'just sex', especially with men. They're testosterone-driven and it's 'just shagging'. There isn't the same social stigma about random sexual encounters. Kiwis don't seem to have the decency to feel guilty about it."

Cheating in NZ is common. A recent Relationship Services study found nearly one in five, or 19 per cent, of couples reported the presence of infidelity. Academic studies find similar figures internationally, ranging from 15 to 35 per cent. While for those aged over 40, men are more likely to be unfaithful than women, studies and anecdotal evidence from NZ say the gender gap in adultery is narrowing. After all, it takes two to tango.

It seems the younger generation is beginning to treat infidelity as a rite of passage, part and parcel of modern life. Balfour says many of her married, female, Kiwi friends engage in mental acrobatics she describes as "cognitive dissonance".

"They all say they'd never have relationship with a married man - that would be like an abrogation of the sisterhood - but they have no problems sleeping with a single man. 'It's just a root,' they say to themselves."

Despite its prevalence, infidelity is unlikely to be discussed. The Relationship Services study asked couples what was the most difficult subject to broach - and infidelity came out ahead of even disclosing childhood sexual abuse. As Balfour put it, beneath the visible iceberg of salacious celebrity break-ups triggered by extramarital affairs lies a vast mass of everyday cheating.

"It's never talked about and it's hushed up," she says. Balfour is so intrigued by infidelity she is turning the experiences of her friends- here and in Scotland -into a play about the subject, Love in Dark Corners. One character is based on a man she knew in Scotland.

"His girlfriend got 'accidentally' pregnant and he had to marry her. He actually left her at the altar and didn't turn up to the wedding, but she had some strong Catholic brothers who dragged him into it.

"He was a shag monster with a different girl each weekend and because he felt trapped into marrying her, he felt it didn't count as infidelity.

"Another guy was having an affair because his wife was suffering from a regressive neurological condition and -mentally and physically-basically ended up like a baby. He had the affair for comfort but was condemned by his family."

She says she witnessed many such cases when she worked in a hospital as a speech therapist caring for those suffering brain injuries and illnesses. "It's understandable why they're doing it. Their partner isn't the same person they married, but they're consumed with guilt at the same time."

As a subject inspiring such guilt, getting those committing adultery to talk publicly is problematic. But Waikato University masters student Maureen Marsh interviewed 32 New Zealanders using online dating for her thesis Love on the Line.

A significant minority of Marsh's interview subjects were actively seeking extramarital relationships, and women in the study reported a third of those who approached them were men identifying themselves as married. The real number, including those concealing their marital status, is likely to be higher.

Take Samuel (not his real name), a 50-year-old married man who uses online dating to "organise discreet, sexual encounters, preferably with married women".

Samuel explains his marriage was "having a rough patch. I had never experienced another woman before, so there was a curiosity factor there".

He says his infidelities - over six years - have led to parallel, but not incompatible, existences. By day, Samuel is a family man: "It gives me a stable home life, enjoyment with the kids, and fun family activities."

By night, he's the promiscuous adulterer, who told Marsh he'd slept with more than four dozen people other than his wife in the past six years. He says 15 of those he met for sex, including five men, were married.

This other life, he says, "gives me a chance to do things I can't do in the marriage, as in bed we have just one sexual position". Samuel's covert bisexual swinging isn't rare, says another of Marsh's interview subjects.

Michael is a 29-year-old gay man, who emigrated from abroad. "You have no idea how many men out there are married with kids and all, then go online or to public parks and pick up other guys. I have noticed that it was a lot more the case in NZ than [in my home country]."

The stereotype of straying men and faithful women is breaking down, Marsh has found. "More female than male interviewees were using online dating to look for casual sexual encounters exclusively."

Elaine, 29, who is in a nine-year de facto relationship, has an uneasy understanding with her partner about infidelity. "He is kind of aware of my outside relationships. He knows he can't meet my sexual needs and that I have to look outside our relationship for it, but he doesn't want to lose me nor does he want details."

When people do want details, they turn to the likes of Kerrie Pihema. She's a former police officer who works as a private investigator, specialising in infidelity. She has noticed the narrowing of the gender gap, particularly over the past two years, but women with suspicions still outnumber men.

"It would be around a 60:40 split now," she says.

Business has been steadily growing in the 10 years she has been running Rokez Investigations.

She says she gets almost 100 phone calls a week from those suspicious about their partners, but the faltering economy has harmed her business. "The recession, strangely enough, has seen things drop off a bit," she says. "It's become too expensive to leave relationships."

Infidelity is becoming a "rite of passage" for young men in particular. "We've got young men who play rugby - 'what goes on tour, stays on tour', to 'sow your seed', to 'get your leg over'. What sort of environments are we putting young men into when it comes to them forming long-lasting relationships?"

Pihema says her work is about picking patterns, and after several hours poring over bank account statements and phone records she can usually make an educated guess about what's happening.

"If the bank account says on Wednesday afternoons they're always taking out $150 from an ATM and not telling their partner about the money, and then from 1.30 to 3.30pm that afternoon they're not available, we'd say, 'This is the most opportune time to put surveillance on them.'"

Pihema says she and her team know what they're doing. "My team are all ex-police. We get so close to people, I can tell you what brand of cigarette they're smoking." Unlike in the US, the information Pihema gathers can't be used to demand a bigger share of marital assets. "New Zealand has no-fault divorce laws, which are forward thinking. What we do is really about peace of mind."

She says 90 per cent of her investigations confirm the client's suspicions. "They just want an objective third party to confirm what they believe to be true."

When they are right, nine times out of 10, it makes the expense of hiring a private eye seem somewhat redundant. Infidelity, it seems, has become commonplace.