KEY POINTS:
Ah yes, the Christmas work do. Where the booze is free, the sausage rolls gourmet, and where the good times should be on the dancefloor rather than in the loos.
There are few things worse than waking up after your work party to find you're not in your own bed. Imagine the dreaded feeling on Monday morning when you find yourself at the photocopier, having to talk to Louise from accounts - with the whole office looking on. Or maybe that's Jim from HR's bed that you were in? Oh lordy. Just imagine.
If you do wake up in your own bed, good on you. You survived it. Or maybe not. First you have to ask yourself: what did I say to the boss? Who did I snog? Did I really dance like that?
The dancing one is simple enough to deal with. All that will happen is your workmates will jump round the office in front of you, thinking they're really bloody funny as they re-enact your devastatingly unco-ordinated moves. It will last a few days.
I've been known to go a little crazy on the dance floor myself and I suggest you not give a hoot about how you get on down - because we're Kiwis and getting in there and participating is the main thing. Flail those arms, shake that booty, and boogie, brothers and sisters.
Of more importance is the snogging. It's simple enough. Just don't go there, unless you're going steady with one of your workmates.
I've already had some reports from friends about Christmas work parties and, yes, there was snogging. Apparently ignoring each other on Monday works a treat when having to deal with the consequences. That's so mature and grown up isn't it?
Then there's the boss. What would you hit him or her up about? Here's a few musts: a pay rise, re-energising team morale and a new coffee machine.
Remember that if you do it right - as in not being abusive or slurring - the work do is the perfect environment to tackle these pressing issues. Inhibitions are down, a festive spirit in the air. And, after all, the end-of-year shindig is just a little bit of fun.
Go for it. What have you got to lose? Well, your job I guess, but if you do it well then come next pay review you'll be such great mates after bonding over a few beers that surely there'll be a bonus in it for you.
I remember a shocking display of behaviour at a work do from many moons ago. I was part of it. I never thought I had it in me, but I never liked that boss anyway. It was nothing personal, just that he never said hello and the pay was bad. Besides, what happened was just a wee bit of fun.
This function was held in a marquee outside. It was all put on - beer, vino, and a fine spread. For some reason I decided - along with a more senior staff member who should have known better - that it would be a good idea to take along water-pistols.
We were ready and loaded and out to dampen people. The boss came into our sights and - taking cover behind the tent flap - we took careful aim and fired. At first he had no idea he was being hit with deadly straight lines of water. He eventually cottoned on that he was a target although he didn't have a foggy about where the aerial assault was coming from.
Grossly immature I know. I was young and, I'll say it again, it was just a bit of fun. No one was hurt and it's nothing compared to the emotional scars a snog can leave.
We've got our big Herald work party tomorrow (and my water-pistol is staying at home). As well as the auspicious main event there's a few other work lunches and mini work drinkies to attend before Santa pops down the chimney. And then there's a work barbecue in the New Year for the nearest and dearest in the TimeOut team.
Now, that number of work get-togethers might seem a little over the top - but, after all, it is the season to be jolly.
When it comes to a work do, don't let the paranoia of making a dick of yourself stop you from having fun. You've worked hard all year so you owe it to yourself. Just take it easy and have a shandy or two as well as the full-strength stuff. And instead of letting the liquor take over, let the music take control.
