Have you encountered a narcissist? We’re familiar with fictional ones, like Tom Ripley, and in the real world they’re more common than you might think. While a narcissist’s key traits are well-known, identifying and managing one isn’t so easy.
In your family there’s probably one narcissist. In your immediate team at work, there’s likely one too. The same goes for your friendship group.
While people who have been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are relatively rare – between 0.5 and one per cent of the general population – world-leading researcher in narcissism Dr Ramani Durvasula estimates one in five people is a narcissist.
Common traits of a narcissist are easy to define. Yet identifying and managing one in real life isn’t.
Narcissists have an overblown sense of self-importance.
They fantasise about glory and being held in high esteem.
They believe they are owed something.
They exaggerate their abilities, crave admiration, lack empathy, and exploit others when it suits them.
Underpinning this behaviour is always insecurity. Researchers suggest childhood trauma can be a major player in creating a narcissist. They often have this personality trait cemented in them between the preteen and teenage years. Such trauma often relates to parenting: ripe for creating a narcissist is a parenting style that includes ignoring and devaluing efforts, unreachable standards, and favouritism.
Yet acknowledging why a narcissist is that way does not excuse the behaviour. Narcissists are hurtful. They destroy relationships – personal and professional – and they are excellent at destroying teams. We need to stop giving them a free pass for having a tough upbringing or life experience. While being empathetic is vital, narcissists exploit your empathy.
Grandiose narcissists are easier to identify because they are obvious. They are aggressive and dominant.
Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are a lot more covert and passive-aggressive. They have deep-seated anger and victimhood engrained in their personality, and rarely seek help – hence the tiny number of NPD diagnoses.
Vulnerable narcissists are hypersensitive to rejection and are extremely self-conscious. They are manipulative and controlling. They become angry or offended when not put on a pedestal. They are prone to lash out, all the while maintaining their own victim status. They are also jealous and project blame on to others. This differs from a grandiose narcissist, who is very self-confident and not sensitive.
Hypersensitive to rejection. Self-conscious. Manipulative. Controlling. All part of Ripley’s game. Photo / Netflix.
All narcissists reject notions of narcissism in their own personality. This is why the worst thing you can do with a narcissist is call them a narcissist. If you’re worried reading this that you are one, you’re probably not because you are self-aware.
While narcissism often comes to a head in romantic relationships, let’s focus on the workplace narcissist.
We’ve all worked with them, but industries that particularly attract narcissists are academia, corporate management, law, medicine, media, politics, entertainment, and sports. As someone who has spent almost two decades working in the communication field, I can vouch for the presence of these people in my own industry.
I’ve had a particularly rough experience working with a vulnerable narcissist in recent years – not that I understood them at the time. They were prone to pop off with anger and passive aggression (with both colleagues and clients), and my hiring (as a “threat” to their purported ascent to senior management) put me in their firing line.
I had a frosty reception by this colleague from the outset, but at first, they saw me as a chess piece they could move at will, to make them look competent. After feeling like a pushover, I stood my ground and set boundaries. I wasn’t to be walked over any longer. In one meeting, this resulted in them blowing up in rage in my face, self-victimising, and then isolating me – a powerful tool in passive-aggressive bullying, once somebody no longer sees you as useful. Our working relationship became untenable from there.
While vulnerable narcissists are quick to explode, they only do so with “low value” targets. That is, they control their insecurity in front of those they perceive can help their rise, but as soon as it’s made clear someone has no value in their climb, they will burn that bridge in fury.
It’s a myth that narcissists are all men. While men are more likely to reveal themselves as grandiose narcissists (antiquated corporate culture has even rewarded them for it), both men and women are vulnerable narcissists in equal measure. Passive-aggressive emotional abuse is a cornerstone technique for the vulnerable narcissist, and that ability knows no gender.
