I was in a long marriage that eventually turned very unpleasant and abusive. I’ve been separated for a year and half now. I have a high-profile and high-pressure job and do not want a long-term relationship again so I have been on Tinder, which, to my surprise, has been great and I am seemingly very popular. One of the men I have met is literally half my age (I’m 62), the sex is amazing and he is a lovely person. He is an Australian here on a short-term visa so it would never be long term.
I am aware that society frowns upon such a relationship where the woman is much older, even though it condones the same if the man is much older than the woman. He is attracted to only older women and as I keep myself in good shape and love sex, younger men are very attractive to me. Part of me thinks it is incredibly unfair. Should I just ignore society and ignore thinking I should feel ashamed, or should I break it up and look for a more age-appropriate sexual partner?
Sam Taylor-Johnson and Aaron Taylor-Johnson are "trailblazers" in the May-December relationship trope. Photo / Getty Images
Dear Anon,
I picked your letter because I’ve been wanting to get the words “randy cougar” into this column for ages, not merely because it sounds like the name of a 70s session musician from the mid-west. For one of the many advances of my lifetime, along with better coffee and too much good telly to watch and not enough time to watch it, is the acceptance that women over 60 can be hot, and as entitled to younger partners as men are. Just writing those words rams home the double whammy of ageism and sexism that women have been expected to put up with for too long.
You shouldn’t be ashamed of anything at all — you are flying the flag for women d’un certain age everywhere. After a certain point they — we, I mean — are supposed to sail past middle age into a sexless sunset while men continue to be celebrated as silver foxes even when they are mainlining Viagra and very senior citizens indeed (the list is too long to enumerate here).
The list of female trailblazers in May-December partnerships is shorter but sweeter: Brigitte Macron, Sam Taylor-Johnson, Joan Collins, Sienna Miller all spring to mind. Even though these phrases are hideous sounding — “sixty is sexty” and “fifty is the new fittie” — they’re not necessarily wrong. According to my sources, searches for the “milf” category on porn sites are one of the highest, for whatever reason — and so your young Bruce from Down Under is not alone, even if you may be heading towards the “gilf” zone (grandmother I’d … etc).
I put your letter to psychotherapist Sally O’Sullivan, and she was equally puzzled by the problem presented and, like me, saw the young man-older woman pairing as more of a solution. She, too, urges you to dispense sharpish with any feelings of shame and not to worry about being judged.
“Life can be unfair and society has been more familiar with May-December set-up of older men with younger women; however that’s no reason to break up a good, mutually satisfying relationship ... I’m curious as to why you are preoccupied and guilty about enjoying a harmonious, sexual relationship with a younger man — perhaps this challenges your own internal prejudice? Your friend will return to Australia or further down the line you may decide you want something else but for now, enjoy it,” she advises.
Sophie Haggard, a registered therapist, concurs: “I can’t help but feel that as more and more women discover HRT, there will be more and more of these sorts of relationships —hopefully, she’ll soon find herself in good company if she’s not in a position to change postcode.” Bring it on!
"I fantasise a lot about my best friend who is in denial about her gayness." Photo / 123rf
Dear Rachel,
I am torn! I fantasise a lot about my best friend who is in denial about her gayness — we had sex a couple of times in the past 10 years, but then pretended it never happened ... I am also married to a nice guy, we had great “caveman” variety sex in the past, but over the past couple of years our sex lives disappeared — blaming middle age and kids. I still fancy him, we hug and kiss a lot but he is not sexually aroused. Shall I buy him Viagra? And what shall I do about my best friend — shall I tell her that I fancy her a lot and want more from the relationship, or will it turn her down? I don’t want to lose her.
Whoa! You are not just torn — you are confused, conflicted, avoidant, which makes this hard to know where to start. I’m trying to get my head around having sex a couple of times over a 10-year period with your “best friend” and then pretending it never happened. Qué? I know the English are famous for their Victorian reserve and so on (not so much now when it comes to lesbianism which is now almost compulsory), but how does that work? Is this about your husband or your best friend or your best friend standing in for your husband as your sexual partner?
O’ Sullivan reckons it could be that you are holding back in your intimate relationships out of fear of being ridiculed, humiliated or rejected. “You speculate that your best friend is in denial about her gayness, but omit to mention your own sexual orientation? Is it you who is in denial about your gayness?” She asks: “Right now a deeper relationship with your best friend exists in the realm of fantasy rather than reality and for those with an avoidant attachment style, fantasy always tops reality …”
"I am also married to a nice guy but over the past couple of years our sex lives disappeared." Photo / 123rf
Wise words, I’d aver! Haggard also questions whether it’s you who’s in denial: “There’s a lot of ‘pretending’ going on — pretending with her friend that sex never happened, pretending (perhaps) to her husband.” A bit more transparency and openness all round might be good, she suggests. My read of this knotty situation is that you sense your best friend is not up for a third set of ladies singles.
Meanwhile your partner has perhaps responded to the fact that your best friend has been the wild card in your marriage tournament and withdrawn from the court. “No one including the husband is confronting or talking about anything! He’s ‘voting with his feet’ (in fact penis) and who can blame him,” Haggard continues, noting that your solution to the absence of “caveman sex” (the subject of a previous column) is that you think you can solve the dilemma of fancying both your best friend and your husband with a blue pill. You want to have your cake and eat it.
You’re a randy cougar, you’re likely bi — and you’re definitely married.
I’d agree with O’ Sullivan that you are dwelling on your girlfriend as a distraction from bed death in your marriage. Unless you really are a closet lesbian living a lie, I’d concentrate on your real life as opposed to your fantasy existence, work on your husband and I bet the caveman will make a roaring return to the bedroom, complete with club and loincloth, in no time.
