With a third child on the way for the Cambridges, it's a hot parenting topic. Photo / Getty Images
With a third child on the way for the Cambridges, it's a hot parenting topic. Photo / Getty Images
Christian Hood showed all the classic signs of "middle child syndrome". Squeezed between an older sister and younger brother, he suffered from low self-esteem and constantly sought attention, which translated into being disruptive at school and getting into fights with his older brother. It drove his parents up the wall – and straight to parenting school.
"I used to feel guilty that I was an awful parent and that my children were doomed," says his mother, Melissa Hood, a former solicitor. But a parenting course they took when Christian was 7 changed everything. "It transformed our family life," she says. "My husband and I learned how to look at the children differently and realised they weren't just doing things to wind us up." Christian was dyslexic and his behaviour meant him being heaped with "negative" attention. "We learned to turn it into positive attention – and the bad behaviour dropped away."
Christian, now 28, is a successful graphic designer, with a baby daughter of his own. Hood was so inspired by the classes she attended for her middle son that she retrained as a parenting coach (theparentpractice.com) and has been helping families regain equilibrium for the past 18 years.
The concept of "middle child syndrome" – where middle children feel they miss out on parental attention and are overlooked in favour of their siblings – has become a hot topic in the parenting world of late, partly because of the imminent arrival of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's third child – and the position it will place Princess Charlotte.
Type the words "middle child syndrome" into online parenting platforms and all manner of hysterical threads rear their ugly heads. On Netmums, with its seven million monthly users, some parents blame the scenario for all of their middle-born's ills, while others admit they have considered not having a third child for fear of destroying their family balance. "Our generation is much more conscious of birth order, mainly from our own personal experience," says Annie O'Leary, editor in chief of Netmums and a mother of two. "Mothers who are middle children themselves often feel that they were ignored as children and make an effort not to pass that treatment on to their own offspring."
But parents need not despair, says Linda Blair, Telegraph columnist, who has researched the effects of birth order for 25 years, after becoming intrigued by the patterns her three children displayed.
Along with the way our parents raise us, and genetics, Blair considers birth order to be the most important factor in shaping our personality. However, she does not believe that being a middle child should be treated as though it were a type of disorder. "There are problems and advantages to every birth position," she says. "Parents should play on the positives and help children cope with the negatives."
Statistics suggest a middle child is the one who is least likely to seek psychological help in their life, Blair, a clinical psychologist, observes. "They are usually well adjusted because they have to contend with people under and above them. A middle child is a negotiator; they make good team players."
Hood, a middle child in a family of five siblings, never felt disadvantaged growing up. "The first child occupies a space where they have the full attention of their parents, but they also suffer all their parents' lack of expertise. By the time the second and third come along, parents are more relaxed."
Bundy Mumford, 38, a mother of two who lives in south-east London, considers herself fortunate to have been in the middle position growing up. "I never felt ignored or overlooked. I didn't have to do everything first, like being the first at school, so it was less scary for me. And my friendships with my siblings was very close as there wasn't a big age gap between us. My older sister always bangs on about how her position was the worst."
Not every grouping of children is the same, of course. The closer the age range, the more likely that children will compete for parental attention and the greater their rivalry. The same sex heightens this even more; I see it with my three sons (there are two years between each). My middle child will sometimes scream to have his voice heard, or adopt a "punch first, ask questions later" strategy (he's 3, so let's hope it's a phase).
However, Dr Catherine Salmon, associate professor of psychology at the University of Redlands, California, who started researching birth order 24 years ago, argues that being the middle child is actually the best spot in the family pecking order. In her book, The Secret Power of Middle Children (Penguin), Salmon contends that middle-borns, although overlooked when younger, often go on to be agents of change in business, politics, and science – more so than firstborns or the youngest. "Middles are self-aware and flexible, they tend to deal well with others – in the workplace and at home. History shows them to be trailblazers."
"If the Duchess of Cambridge has another boy, Charlotte will be in a unique position and therefore won't be the classic middle child." Photo / Getty Images
So what of the royal soon-to-be trio? "If the Duchess of Cambridge has another boy, Charlotte will be in a unique position and therefore won't be the classic middle child," says Salmon. "If it's another girl, there may be significant rivalry; suddenly she's not the only princess any more – literally."
But is it time for parents to stop feeling guilty that the child at the centre is missing out? "The only guilt you may feel is that you are going to be a little more tired, because you now have two hands for three children," says Blair.
"Parents shouldn't worry about not giving the kids the same amount of attention every day," adds Salmon. "It's an impossible task. Better to have a natural relationship with your children, and not overthink, which leads to neurotic parenting. That doesn't help anyone."
