Powerpoint: It's technology gone mad

By EWAN McDONALD

"A gunman upset about the quality of wide-screen televisions seized hostages in Amsterdam's tallest building then shot himself. The 59-year-old man, who had a grievance against the Philips electronics company, had taken as many as 18 people hostage in the Rembrandt tower.

"Dutch television said the man claimed he was resisting 'manipulation by sellers of widescreen television sets' who were guilty of 'creative nonsense'. Several windows were plastered with messages, including one which read 'We mislead', an apparent take-off on the company's advertising slogan, 'We make things better.'

"Many workers were evacuated. 'The atmosphere was pretty tense at the beginning,' said one, 'but when we found out the reason behind this on the internet, we laughed'."

They might have found last week's episode funny — even though it did end with the man's suicide — but my sympathies are with this unfortunate victim of Technology Deficiency Syndrome, a condition which I happen to share.

It's not hard to see what drove this bloke up the tower. He wanted a flash new TV to watch Ajax play Go-Ahead Eagles. He looked at the Philips website and saw a couple sitting on a sofa while a herd of wild mustangs thundered past. "Philips widescreen TVs put me right in the heart of the picture," the company promised.

He went to whatever they call Noel Leeming over there, and when he got it home he discovered it was just a big TV set. No wild mustangs. Or perhaps he was lonely. Maybe he wanted a couple to bound into his lounge halfway through Gladiator because the guy wanted his girlfriend to see he was the third spear-carrier from the left and was cut out of the picture on his regular TV. Our Dutch friend might have enjoyed the company.

Technology Deficiency Syndrome, or TDS as we sufferers prefer to call it, can do that. You have probably been exposed to it: remember the first time you tried to programme a video?

One of my worst episodes came when the son who likes toys lent us his DVD player. He plugged it in and left. I spent four hours trying to get rid of the thick black lines at the top and bottom of the (not widescreen) TV. Finally — and I'll bet this is when the man from Amsterdam lost it, too — I phoned what's laughingly called a "helpline".

Modern telephone equipment is responsible for more reported cases of TDS than any other electronic equipment, and that includes people enraged by the kids who sit next to them in the bus and text-message the kid in the seat in front.

There are about four possible conversations:

"This is the [name indecipherable] helpdesk. How may I help you today?"

"Forgive my cultural insensitivity, but I speak only four languages, and I was rather hoping that you would be fluent in one of those so you could help me reconnect my computer to the internet, instead of some obscure transatlantic dialect that traces its origins from the karaoke clubs of Manila."

"Good day. I hope you're having a lovely afternoon ..."

"It's just gone 10pm, as you'd know if you were calling from New Zealand to ask about my mortgage and not from a call centre in Hobart."

"Good evening. I wonder if you have a few moments to participate in a consumer survey?"

"Of course. Tony Brown has just put the ball on the kicking tee. How could I have anything better to do with the next 80 minutes than discussing the various brands of two-minute noodles?"

"Kia ora. All our operators are busy at present but your call is important to us and you have been placed in a priority queue. We estimate that the next operator will be available in 27 minutes."

"Certainly. And when you have a moment to take my call, could you please explain why it is impossible for me to contact a human being in the Inland Revenue Department, but you are able to track me down at any time of the day or night?"

Faced with the technological challenges of modern life, small wonder that our Dutch friend felt driven to his extreme measure. What a pity that he made one un-technological mistake. The Philips headquarters aren't in the Rembrandt tower. They're next door.