Noelle McCarthy: Pain in passion with first love mysteries

Dear Noelle,

I write to you in desperation, having renounced God many years ago. I am a monster, in the body of a young man. I have fallen in love for the first time, and I'm in agony because of it.

The object of my affection is a wonderful young lady who is clever and beautiful, albeit somewhat clumsy and hard to read. I can never tell what's going on in her head.

Usually this isn't a problem for me, because I'm psychic and can read minds, but for some reason hers is blocked to me. This is frustrating, as you can imagine, but not the sum of my worries.

The bigger problem Noelle, is the murderous desire I feel for this girl. I literally thirst for her, with a craving that frightens me. I can keep my compulsions under control so long as I keep my distance from her, but lately we've been getting closer, physically and I'm not sure how long I can keep these feelings in check.

Part of me just wants to give in to my desire, and go for it, but I know the consequences would be dire, for me, and my family, but especially for her.

I've spent a long time working very hard to blunt these baser impulses of mine. I write poetry and play sonatas, I've been a practising vegetarian for a long time.

I like to think of myself as a sensitive creature but the truth is, I want to do bad things to my girlfriend, and most of the time I haven't a clue what's going on in her head. The path of true love never did run smooth, so they say, but surely this is a bit much.

Yours sincerely

Edward Cullen.

Dear Edward,

Thank you for your letter. Gorgeous penmanship too. I agree that you're in rather a bind. A dilly of a pickle, as Ned Flanders would say. I'm sure though, that there'll be a lot of men out there reading this who can sympathise.

You wouldn't be the first guy whose inability to mind-read is causing problems in your relationship, and I'm sure you won't be the last. That a man can look at a woman and not simply know what she is thinking at any given moment is the single biggest challenge to male-female relationships in our world.

It isn't helped by the sneaking suspicion most women possess, that not being able to read our minds is simply laziness on your part, or even worse, proof that you don't really love us at all. The only advice I can give you in this area is to do what most men in your situation do, and pretend.

Pay close attention to your girlfriend. Observe her reactions, verbal and non-verbal, to people, places and things. Listen for what she does not say, as well as what she does.

It's all about subtext with us Edward, and sometimes subtext can be hard to read.

But you seem like a perceptive sort of young man, so it shouldn't be too hard. Fake it til you make it, and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Now, speaking of subtext, let's get to the heart of your query, shall we? I have to admit, your letter made me smile. It is so refreshing, in this day and age, to come across a guy who takes sex as seriously as you do, and thinks so much about the consequences.

How I wish more men were like you Edward. It's a sad corollary of 21st century living that sex has become a mere bagatelle. We do it for fun, or because we're bored, it has no value and no meaning, except as a diversion.

Sex is obviously a big deal for you, and I commend you for that, but at the same time you do need to lighten up. The language you use in relation to sex is pretty heavy for a start. All this talk of murderous desire, base instincts and dire consequences.

Obviously someone put some very odd ideas about sex into your head at a young age. Were you taught by Jesuits at school by any chance? Sexual desire isn't sinful Edward, it's just part of our humanity, and it should be celebrated as such.

The feelings you are having for your girlfriend aren't wrong, or bad, or evil, they're perfectly normal. You're not a monster, you're just a young man, about to embark on a sexual relationship, for the first time, from the sounds of it, and so long as you and your girlfriend are honest and careful with each other, I'm sure neither of you will get hurt.

What's the worst thing, that can happen? If something goes wrong, you can just try again. Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings Edward, and maybe you'll discover she's having those feelings too.

It wouldn't surprise me, you do sound like quite a catch. Neither of you are mind readers in this situation, but the great thing about sex, is that you don't have to be. It's a physical connection as well as a mental one, as you're about to find out. So, good luck my friend. Go for it, and be safe. Let me know how it all works out.

All the best

Noelle.

PS - You seem to be worried about your family also. I'm not sure what the story is there. Is it a cultural thing? Are you afraid they won't approve of your girlfriend? Maybe it would help if they got to know her better. Could you bring her around for dinner some night perhaps?