I’m sick of feeling bad for being single and childless so I’m spending Christmas alone

No partner, no kids, no stress: Christmas can be your happiest yet. Photo / 123rf

Tired of dramas and with no kids or man, I’m planning the big day with just me and the dogs. Don’t pity me, I can’t wait…

Aaaah, Christmas. That magical time of joy, wonder and goodwill to all mankind. But is it, really? Surely I can’t be the only person to find being rammed into confined places with extended family, lame decorations and all the enforced cheerfulness, rather tense? Less “peace on earth”, more “silent relative rage,” perhaps?

Throw in copious amounts of booze which (let’s be honest) is necked more to “take the edge off” than in celebration. And it’s no surprise everyone ends up ruddy-cheeked in wonky paper hats, hissing at each other over burnt parsnips while perched on the wobbly table extender dragged out for special occasions.

I realise I sound like the Grinch, but come on, can’t Christmas be hell?

All the festivities are so geared around couples and families. It’s the season of love – of little blue Tiffany boxes, kisses under the mistletoe, families decorating trees together, dads dressed as Santa, mums stuffing stockings and sugar-hyped children in awe of it all.

The romantic in me adores all of this, but at 37 and with no partner or children of my own, it’s not the easiest day. Which is why this year, I’m totally opting out. Please don’t pity me, I’ve received kind invitations, which I’ve politely (yet firmly) declined. And I’ve told my family that for once I’m spending the day my way. Just me and the dogs, thank you.

I haven’t always been anti-Christmas. Growing up in north London, I too was filled with excitement as a kid. But my parents split up when I was aged 14. We always still had family Christmases after their divorce, which I realise must have been an effort for them and an act of love towards me, but that doesn’t mean it was always comfortable.

Both my mum, Ashley, 72, and dad John, 79, had been married before, so I have two much older half siblings from dad’s side, and a half sister from mum’s. I get on with everyone, and my nieces are lovely, but blended families, however idyllic-sounding and modern, also bring different kinds of strains. And rows. Famously Mum kicked everyone out one year. (No one can now recall why, and we’ve laughed since, but still…)

Solo Christmas celebrations are on the rise as people embrace self-care over societal traditions. Photo / 123rf

Don’t get me wrong. I love both my parents very much and I’m grateful for all they’ve done for me, but that doesn’t mean the highly pressured “more special day of the year” is the best time to see them. And even being back in the house I grew up in holds unhappy memories. So I’ll spend time with them on more neutral turf.

As much as I love seeing my young relatives, I can’t help but feel lacking by not having my own little family. Like most single women over 30 (à la Bridget Jones) I’ve been the point of fascination and dinner table conversation over the years. I’m used to gritting my teeth through the cocked-head and pitying “still looking for a fella?” questions. I don’t have to defend myself, but it doesn’t mean it can’t hurt. I just haven’t had much luck with men.

I was engaged once to lovely Matt*, 22 years my senior. He proposed to me on the last day of a Maldives holiday in 2016 and – swept up in the moment – I said yes. We visited his family around Christmas that year, which seemed calmer. (There’s something about our own relatives that makes us revert to our unhelpful childhood dynamics, don’t you think?) But I knew deep down it wasn’t right with Matt (the fact we hadn’t made love for the entire holiday should have been a red flag). We’d started wedding planning, but called it off before tying the knot.

A few months later, in 2017, I met an eligible lawyer and single dad one night at a private member’s club. Tom* met my friends and family, and I met his colleagues and bought his kids gifts. It was only when I Facetimed him, without warning one day, when I spotted his wedding ring. Not so eligible after all.

By 2023, aged 35 and despairing of men, I looked into freezing my eggs. The doctor assured me there was no physical reason why I wouldn’t get pregnant. But statistically egg freezing doesn’t always work. After much soul searching I realised that it wasn’t a baby I craved, but a family unit.

I hate the societal attitude that anyone who hasn’t found a long-term partner is a “failure”. Or that not having children will leave us “unfulfilled”. I’m done with the apps now, I’ll just see what fate has in store. And since I stopped being scared of solitude, I’ve got to know and understand myself better, which is why I feel I can spend Christmas alone. After drawing up more boundaries my mental health has hugely benefitted.

I am lucky enough to have a life full of fun even without a boyfriend. I swapped London for a Wiltshire cottage last year and I love taking my cocker spaniels Arthur and Bibi for long walks. My career is rewarding, I own two events businesses, and am also a trained life coach. Funnily enough, often clients ask for advice on managing family dynamics! Many of us struggle in this area.

This Christmas I will do whatever I please, and I can’t wait. I’ll wake up whenever I like, I will eat some smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast and go on a long dog walk. A friend owns a gym in Bristol which opens for a few hours on Christmas day for anyone who likes to exercise (or escape their family) and I’ll enjoy a workout there, too.

I don’t have to bother basting a turkey just for me, so I’ll treat myself to a seafood platter and pop a little champagne. I’ve hung stockings up for Arthur and Bibi so I will still get pleasure from seeing them open them (yes it makes me sound like a mad dog woman, but people love the videos on social media). We will all get in our matching onesies and cuddle up on the sofa to watch whatever the hell I want on TV. I won’t be made to endure the King’s speech or the Strictly special, and naturally I’ll get first dibs on all the best Quality Street. Admit it, does a solo Christmas sound so bad?

As told to Susanna Galton

*Real names withheld to protect privacy

Eight tips for nailing a solo Christmas

As a confidence and life coach, Camilla advises many clients on how to draw up boundaries and smooth the path with tricky relationships. “If you’re not looking forward to Christmas, then it’s time to rewrite the narrative,” she says. Here’s her advice on making this festive period work for you…

Rebel against tradition

Any meaning Christmas holds for you is the meaning you have assigned to it, which you’re free to change at any time. Society tells you it’s a time for joy, wonder and magic – so what brings you joy, wonder and magic? Create new traditions to claim back your Christmas, filled with whatever quirky, wild, and wonderful things that excite you.

Ignore societal pressure

Your worth isn’t tied to having a partner or children, you’ve just been conditioned to believe that since adolescence. It’s your life, live it however you see fit. You don’t have to criticise anyone else’s choices, but don’t feel bad for making different ones. Simply acknowledge, “that’s not for me, thank you”.

Create a ‘no-people buffer’

Even extroverts can grow weary of all the social obligations at this time of year. Counteract the “social drainage” with people-free days in the run-up to the big one, to recharge your precious energy.

Stop putting everyone else first

The festive season is focused on romantic and familial love, but the one relationship in your life that outlasts all others is the one with yourself. For once, why not dedicate your Christmas to that one? Reflect back over the years, write a list of love and gratitude for how far you’ve come. You’re worthy of celebration, too.

Don’t fear solitude – that’s when the magic happens

We rarely get a moment for ourselves in normal life, but being alone at Christmas is the chance to write, bake, paint, or think about what you really want for the year ahead (rather than what you think you should want). When you get clarity on that, magic happens and you can set intentions that will excite you. Pen a no-holds-barred love letter to the future you, going all out with detail about your dreams and goals. Then seal it up until next Christmas (this is a personal favourite that I will be doing).

Put your phone on airplane mode for the day

Social media will be flooded with curated, perfect Christmases and comparing your day to others won’t help. Be bold – switch off. Everyone will still be there the next day.

Dogs experience Christmas excitement too – many owners report their pets love opening presents. Photo / 123rf

Remember Christmas is just one day

It’s merely a drop in the ocean of your life. If you eat or drink too much, you haven’t sabotaged your diet or ruined your gym gains. You’ve given your body and brain a break from the constant pressure you put it under.

Be ‘Santa’ for strangers

Giving back feels good and doesn’t have to cost a penny. Even the smallest of actions, from helping an older person with a chore or leaving mincepies on a doorstop, to donating to your favourite cause; all have the power to make someone’s day.