Q: I am a single woman in my late 30s. I am also a neurosurgeon, and my medical training ate up 15 years of my life. I don’t regret it. I love my work, but it often meant sacrificing my personal life. The problem: I want to have children, and I am getting a late start. Ten weeks ago, I met an incredible guy online. Our interests overlap, we get along famously and he wants kids, too. But when I talk about the future — about moving in together or how our relationship is progressing — he pulls back. I don’t have time to waste if I want a kid by the time I’m 40. Is his reticence a red flag? - Sara
A: I sympathise with your fear that time is running out. But the only red flag I see is that you are rushing your new boyfriend because you want a baby in short order. You’ve been dating for only 10 weeks! Your boyfriend probably isn’t yet sure about your future together. Are you? Is this man your life partner or simply the guy standing in front of you at this moment?
Try to uncouple your worries about fertility from your concerns about the relationship. I will not be the jerk who mansplains the pressure on women to get pregnant. Still, I urge you to see a specialist to assess your current fertility and your options for pregnancy in the future. If it’s affordable and viable, consider freezing some eggs now to give yourself some breathing room.
You are wrestling with major decisions: partnership and parenthood. I would hate to see you make a mistake — marry the wrong guy or scare off the right one — by rushing. If your boyfriend stays reticent over the coming months, we can talk about red flags then. And remember: There are many ways to create a loving family, including through adoption or by becoming a foster parent.