‘I’m hiding secret behaviour from my wife. Is it time to leave her?’

Should you sacrifice your own happiness to uphold marriage vows?

Advice columnist Rachel Johnson advises a married man who dresses as a woman and is considering leaving his wife for good.

Dear Rachel,

I’m a 66-year-old married man, my wife is 67 and we have not had sex for more than 10 years now. In fact, even if I try to cuddle her she pushes me away. When I was younger I often dressed as a woman in secret; it’s something I tried to stop many times but never could. For the past two years, I’ve been going away for the odd night alone and dressing completely as a woman in public.

At first, I kept myself to myself, but the past couple of times I’ve become friendly with a man I met in a bar. He’s fully aware of my situation and is happy to treat me as a woman, in fact on the last time we met, we spent the night together in his hotel and we made love. My dilemma is I think I’m falling in love with him and he’s asked me to live with him but I don’t want to hurt my wife. My choice is a loveless marriage or being with someone who really likes me. Please help.

– Anon

Dear Anon

If you strip it down, what you’re asking is for permission to leave your wife. The primary issue for me here is not your cross-dressing or possibly late-onset bisexuality. It’s your anxiety about dumping your long-term partner for a man. Essentially, it comes down to your obligations to yourself – your self-care, as we say now – and your marriage vows and duty to your wife. All you are asking is how to resolve the dilemma that can strike at any time in any committed relationship, something that demands sacrifice and compromise of both parties.

Tessa Grazzini, a couples counsellor, says this: “Ultimately, your decision should reflect your true self and what you believe will bring you the most peace and fulfilment in the long run. You deserve happiness and to be the best version of yourself. It is important to make choices that align with your own values and understanding of yourself. People who love you will support you in this. Every step in this process is potentially challenging and may evoke a wide range of emotions, but you deserve to live authentically and be content with your life choices.”

Well yes. I agree with Tessa. But the reason you have written is because breaking up is hard to do. It breaks something and can break someone irrevocably. Marian O’Connor, also a counsellor, says your letter raises lots of questions. “Changing what you wear does not usually change your sexuality,” she points out. “Have you been sexually attracted to men all your life, or were these feelings repressed before this meeting in a bar? Secondly, what do you mean by falling in love? It seems you hardly know the man. Are you just reeling from the heady feeling of finally being ‘known’? You have been able to be open and honest about your cross-dressing, something you have never been able to do with your wife.

“Thirdly, your marriage. Before you make any decision to leave, you need to be open and honest with your wife about your cross-dressing, about your frustration at being sexually rejected for so long. You tiptoe around, full of secret resentments and rather than attempting to have a difficult conversation, it seems you would rather run away into the arms of another man. A stark abandonment is cowardly and will hurt your wife much more than an honest if painful conversation.”

My own advice would be to do what you do next for yourself because it’s right for you, not for a random man you met in a bar, and it’s time you put you and your wife out of your misery. Do let me know. And remember this, as some sage once said to me, “the longer a bad marriage goes on, the harder it is to end”.