KEY POINTS:
What a cracker of a year I have in store. My horoscope for 2009, as published in the Boxing Day edition of the Herald, promises all sorts of fun and fortune. My finances will be unexpectedly buoyant thanks to Jupiter moving into my money zone.
I'm promised a
windfall through a pay rise, a bonus, or some unexpected business - which seems a little hard to believe in these times of recession, but who am I to question the planets and their alignment?
And because the eclipses activate my lust and loot zones, my libido and earning power will be stuck on high. Perhaps my unexpected business will see me combine my lust and loot zones and set up as a call girl?
But before I got too carried away and splashed out on sexy La Perla underwear in preparation for the year ahead, I thought I'd check out how accurate these predictions are.
I waded through old Heralds from 1987 to see if any prescient seers had predicted that a most happy surprise was in store for me in 1988 (my daughter, Kate).
Sadly, the Herald didn't seem to see the value in yearly horoscopes back in the 80s.
Given that 1987 was the year of the biggest stock market crash the country had ever seen - oh, until this year's one - perhaps it was decided that predictions would not be good for the national morale.
Nobody wanted to know the horrors that awaited them as their Judge Corp and Equiticorp shares turned from dollars to dust in front of their very eyes.
I had better luck with the predictions for 1997.
That was the year I was rescued from waitressing obscurity in Hamilton and offered a job, out of the blue, on NewsTalk ZB.
I was offered my own TV show and it was the year I met my Irishman, the man who turned out to be the love of my life, by chance at SPQR.
Again, the Herald appeared to consider itself above such juju nonsense as yearly horoscopes, although, to be fair, my research was once-over-lightly in the Auckland Library microfiche department.
Mercifully, the chicks' mags had no such scruples.
The Woman's Weekly offered a disappointingly airy-fairy prediction for the year, although the general overview commented that my "growing desire to establish myself more securely is attained with some surprising turns of event".
You could say being offered the chance to go from waitress to talkback host and television presenter represented a surprising turn of events.
But they were way off the mark in the love and relationships category.
"Overall my love life would progress without any major dramas." Really?
A whirlwind romance that involved meeting my Japan-domiciled Irishman in Auckland, having just one week and three weekends together in three countries before he made the decision to come out to New Zealand and settle down with me, would surely be considered a dramatic progression.
The rest was ho-hum ooky, spooky kind of stuff.
But I hit the jackpot with the She & More magazine horoscope.
According to its astrologer, 1997 promised a move up the career ladder, away from a mediocre job.
A sparkling chain of events was under way and a stranger I would meet may turn out to be the man of my dreams.
My lover would have a brilliant sense of humour (check), a solid income (well, he did until he met me) and a foreign background or the possibility of having spent time overseas (right on both counts).
In my career, I could expect a major breakthrough and more money than I anticipated as the result of a pay rise.
Well, yeah. Going from $15 an hour to a regular salary certainly meant more money. So She & More had it pretty much bang-on.
And I hope the Herald does, too.
You can always work horoscopes to suit yourself, though.
My sister-in-law was born on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. She was also born with fantastic pragmatism. If she doesn't like the look of one horoscope, she'll settle for the other.
If she doesn't like either, she'll make her own way.
Hope you had a wonderful and very happy New Year.
Here's to 2009 and I'll try not to scoop you up in my drift net of lust.
* www.kerrewoodham.com
