Julian Lloyd Webber: Explosive farewell over the top

Have you heard the one about the Frenchman and the exploding piano? Step forward Francois-Rene Duchable, the 51-year-old concert pianist who appears to be undergoing a mid-to-late life crisis.

Announcing his retirement - while denouncing classical music as "elitist" - Duchable will give three farewell performances at which he will crash a piano into Lake Mercantour, set his tail-coat in flames and explode a piano in mid-air "to prove the concert is dead".

In an interview with La Croix, Duchable rants: "I have had enough of sacrificing myself for 1 per cent of the population. The piano is a symbol of a domineering bourgeois and industrial society that must be destroyed."

Warming to his theme, he proceeds to rubbish three of his greatest rivals - Alfred Brendel, Martha Argerich and Maurizio Pollini - all of whom have one thing in common: they are much better known than he is.

I have news for the renegade Frenchman. Classical music is only as elitist as its musicians want it to be. If Duchable had made a habit of playing in schools and hospitals as well as concert halls (even if his fees would not have been so high) he might not have become so dissatisfied with his chosen profession.

He might also have allowed himself an occasional collaboration with musicians who were not, in his opinion, strictly "classical" - but perhaps he was too elitist to do that?

Monsieur Duchable: perhaps before smashing those expensive grand pianos you could be persuaded to donate them somewhere they would be appreciated, like a youth centre?

AS the public seem constantly astonished that classical musicians can be playing beautiful music one minute then slighting their colleagues the next, I thought I would round up a selection of my favourite (printable) musical gibes this month. Pride of place among the backbiters goes to conductor Sir Thomas Beecham.

"A kind of musical Malcolm Sargent" was how he dismissed the young Herbert von Karajan. When told Sargent might have been kidnapped in China, Beecham exclaimed, "Extraordinary! I had no idea the Chinese were so musical."

My own favourite Beecham gibe came after his live broadcast of Vaughan Williams' Pastoral Symphony. "It's a city life for me," he murmured to the nearest microphone.

However, the most notorious story attributed to Beecham was, in fact, delivered by Sir John Barbirolli. Interrupting a lady cellist mid-bow, Barbirolli declared, "Madam, between your legs you have one of the most beautiful instruments known to man. And all you can do is sit there and scratch it!"

Conductors, in general, are an excellent source of anecdotes. Just think of the hapless foreign maestro who tried to berate his orchestra in broken English. "You zink I know f*** nothing, but ze truth is I know f*** all!"

It has been said that the trouble with singers is they can't keep their mouths shut. But who would want to miss this gem from a magnificently proportioned soprano? Seeing her encountering a problem negotiating her dressing room door at London's Barbican Centre, an embarrassed assistant attempted to intervene. "Madam, have you tried going through the door sideways?" "Honey," replied the spherical diva, "I ain't got no sideways."

RECENTLY, I had the enormous pleasure of working with Elton John - we recorded his Your Song for release this year. The man is a true professional.

He recorded quickly, with a minimum of fuss. He never played a wrong note and the feel was great. He reminisced about his student days at the Royal Academy of Music and said how much he was looking forward to his concerts at Hampton Court Palace, near London, the following week.

Having enjoyed a fabulously successful career, Elton John seems determined to give something back. He raises huge sums for charity and, as I later discovered, he played and sang for nearly three hours entirely on his own on two successive evenings at Hampton Court - and he had no need to explode his piano. Elton John is someone who loves music and people and, hence, loves life.

Are you listening, Monsieur Francois-Rene Duchable?