KEY POINTS:
So there we were. In the lane snow was glistening, sleigh bells rang, we were listening. It was a beautiful sight, we were happy that night, walking in a winter wonderland.
Then, suddenly, "Rudolf" turned to the rest of us and said, "Hang about! Something's wrong! It's meant
to be summer!"
And that's when our group was formed. "Rudolf" (not his real name, of course) is our unofficial leader but he says we're all leaders, really.
He says: "It won't be long before every Santa everywhere is saying 'No No No' instead of 'Ho Ho Ho' and when that great day dawns the world will hail the Christmas Liberation Front as the first fairies on the Christmas tree of hope."
Which, needless to say, won't be chopped down and put inside some poorly insulated livingroom full of deadly microwaves but rather left to grow, wild and free, rooted in the soil and tickling the tummies of the clouds, in its natural home - where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard that frightful M ... word.
And the turkeys don't fear Christmas Day.
Because we stand shoulder to shoulder with the turkeys. Or we would if they had shoulders, but you get the point.
The CLF is united in revolutionary solidarity with all of nature, but particularly with the victims of the "festive" season.
That's why our logo features a family of turkeys happily hoeing into a roast human with an apple up its bottom.
We want an Ecochristmas. No, actually, we demand an Ecochristmas; a wholly organic, bio-degradable, non-polluting, eco-friendly festive season with no food miles, drink miles, gift miles, sleigh miles or anything else that might contribute to the terrifying problem of global warming for which we are all to blame.
We don't want the reindeer to be exploited either.
That's why we've taken the drastic action we have. So sit up straight, New Zealand, and pay attention or we'll force you to live with your horrible, boring, old-fashioned parents forever and never see your fun-loving 22-year-old sister in Las Vegas.
And she isn't the only person you won't see if you ignore our demands.
The CLF means business, ladies and gentlemen. Or, more precisely, the end of business. Especially at Christmas.
Therefore, as part of our unrelenting fight to have every squandersome human being accept they are but a humble cog in the natural wheel, we have taken the radical step of kidnapping the only other person brave enough to admit they are a Christmas "Grinch", namely the very taxing Minister of Finance, Dr Michael Cullen.
And unless our demands are met, the CLF will release him.
Assuming you'd prefer that not to happen, here's what you must do to give the planet what its dreaming of; not a White Christmas but a Green one!
* No Eating
Everyone knows that "meat is murder" so ham, lamb and spam are out. And so are veggies. Ground-breaking research by a team of Swedish scientists at the European Neurological Institute in Brussels has revealed a frightening and unbearable fact. Vegetables feel pain too.
Using ultra-sensitive micro-microphones buried underground, the Swedes recorded barely audible cries of pain as baby carrots were pulled from the soil. They also captured the anguished low-frequency moans of peas being slowly boiled in a pot. So all food is out.
* No Drinking
That's right. None! Not unless you want to put Santa's workshop so far under water that Rudolf's nose will look like the distress beacon on a nuclear submarine.
Think about it, you insensitive grog guzzler. The stuff that puts the fizz in fizzy drinks and boosts the bubbles in beer is the same stuff that keeps the Reverend Gore awake at night.
That's right, planet-slayer! It's carbon dioxide, scourge of the oceans, nemesis of the ice. We should be giving this ghastly greenhouse gas the good old Kyoto kung fu, not popping the cork and pouring it into the atmosphere.
Fancy a glass of pollution? No way!
* And No Presents Either
The children may not realise this but not all of Santa's little elves work at the North Pole. A lot of them work in noisy, smoky sweatshops in China.
We must stop this immediately. The cumulative effect of gift miles, wage miles, power miles and going-round-to-grandma's-place-so-the-kids-can get-their-presents miles is unthinkable. The best gift you can give our choking planet is no gift at all. So, Gifts R Out!
Some of you may regard these demands as extreme. But when you consider the alternative - i.e. Michael Cullen back on the job - they are a small price to pay to bring mirth to the Earth.
We believe what's festive for us is folly for nature, and while that may not sound very Merry, neither is Christmas if you're a turkey (or a box of chocolates).
As the new face of Christmas, the CLF fully endorses the immortal words of the incredibly modest 19th-century playwright Oscar Milde: "Frivolity is the consort of the superficial." Quite so.
Therefore, since saving the planet is no laughing matter, on behalf of "Rudolf" and Dr Cullen, we'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone A Very Scary Christmas and a Sombre New Year.
No, No, No!
