Irvine Welsh: Glue

By JOHN McCRYSTAL*

A 'HM in the boozer n ah've goat ays ahr pint n ah've goat ays ahr book n ah'm just aboot tae settle in fae a wee read when ah sort ay sense these boadies approachin. So ah look oop n theys this wee radge ah seen aboot a bit n theys twae wee lassies ah dinnae ken n theys coamin over.

- Aye aye, gaws the radgie.

- Awright, ah gaws.

Eh asks me wut ah'm readin so ah shows ehm ahr book.

- Glue, eh says. - Irvine Welsh.

- Is eh um wi all they rude wuds? gaws yin ay they wee lassies.

- Aye, the radgie n ah gaw at the same time.

- Ah lapped up tha Trainspotting, the other yin gaws, - bit ah didnae gaw fae tha Ecstasy.

- Naw, gaws ahr radgie mate. - Perr wee Irvine goat ehs hands oan tae many ay they wee pills. Fried ehs brain, mind. So what's that yin like, then? Awright?

- Aye, ah gaw. - It's barry. Eh's at ehs best win eh's writing aboot they schemie low-lifes n all. N theys characters fae ehs other books in it, like Renton n Sick Boy n Begbie frae Trainspotting n Toal frae Filth make these cameo appearances. Bit of course ye've got tae be able tae read Welsh ...

- Is it in Welsh, then, boyo? gaws yin ay they wee lassies in a sort ay Pakistani voice. - Ah thoat eh wis Scots.

- Naw, naw, gaws ahr wee radgie mate. - Eh means it's written in sort ay phonetics, likesay. Ays like eh writ ehs oan language. Sort ay Welsh-speak. Ah foond ay hard ay first but then win you get your heid roond ay, ay's easy enough. Sort ay helps if ye read ay alood.

- Ah reckon eh's dead clever n all, gaws the other wee lassie. - Eh kin dae any accent. Eddybro, Weedgie, the loat ... - Glue's clever like tha, ah gaw. - Eh starts oaf in they phonetics but as they characters get older and they gets to see more ay the wurld, their language gets less thick. N theys sort ay a postcolonial point tae be made. Eh's written Scots English, mind, no the Queens English.

The radge n they wee lassies are starin at ahs.

- Ow boot they rude wuds? gaws one ay they lassies.

- Loats, ah noad.

- So what's ay aboot then? asks the radgie.

- Ays aboot theys schemies, ah gaw. - Ye ken, lads frae they hoosin schemes they goat in Eddybro. Ay follers um frae win they's just wee, like 15, 16, n still virgins, until they's all in they 30s goan oan 40. They's great characters.

Under all that phonetics gimmick n all, Mr Irvine Welsh is no bad ay stories n characters. Ah just lapped up Juice Terry, eh's barry. They all starts oaf sort ay perr n they's a bit thuggish, they're intae fitba hooliganism n droogs n all tha. Bit they're no bad lads.

True, theys this horrible scene where a couple ay dugs get kilt, couple ay they Alsatians, but as they get older they all sort ay make good. Yin ay um becomes a good boxer, n another yin becomes a top DJ n travels all roond the wurld n gets rich n famous n all. Bit eh never forgets ehs mates n eh comes back tae um.

- Soonds like ahr mate Irvine ehself, gaws the wee radgie.

- Aye, ah gaw, - tha's what ah thoat n all. After all tha wandering aroond wi droogs n money, eh's come back tae ehs mates, n ye kin tell eh's happy there.

Jonathan Cape

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* John McCrystal is an Auckland freelance writer.