In the women's mags: Nicole's shadow of her former self not a good look

Oh, Nicole. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. It's sad, but it must be said: you're losing it.

Sure, there are plenty of A-listers who go overboard trying to a kilo or two, paying thousands to wacky diet gurus or exercise fanatics. Whatever it is you're doing, Ms Richie, it has to stop.

Take a look at those pictures in the Woman's Weekly this week. If they don't tell you that 35kg is not your ideal weight, well, nothing will.

Friends fear her "party hard" lifestyle is to blame. One told the Weekly's correspondent Nicole was so wasted at a nightclub recently, she danced on tables, lap-danced several punters, then puked in the middle of the dance floor. That's right, puked. What would father Lionel think? Bet he wouldn't be dancing on the ceiling.

For a much healthier body shape, flick a few pages forward for shots of Hugh Grant larking about with fiancee Jemima Goldsmith. Now there's a celeb not afraid of a bit of beef on the bones. So what if his belly hangs a bit over awful, floral bermuda shorts? Beats puking in a nightclub.

More weirdness from TomKat and their friends. The Weekly has pics of Tom and his new buddy David Beckham hanging out in a bar. The guys are so close, the Cruises have even invited the Beckhams to visit their four-month-old baby, Suri. Well, visit may be taking it a bit far; view is more accurate. Seems the Cruises have come up with a list of dos and don'ts for people coming to see young Suri.

A "friend" of the Beckhams is reported as saying the list includes no touching Suri (whose name, the Weekly reports, means "princess" in Hebrew, "red rose" in Persian, and "pickpocket" in Japanese), no baby-talk, and absolutely no pictures.

The rules are in order to honour the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard and the Scientology religion Tom's so keen on. The story doesn't reveal whether the Beckhams were weirded out by the demands.

Could be David's turned to Scientology too to deal with the disappointment of the World Cup and being dumped from the England squad.

If Becks and Posh are going to see Suri, they'd better get a hurry along, if Woman's Day is to be believed.

The Day has the story of Tom's crazy rules for Suri's life too, but it reports that Katie's had enough. She's miserable and frazzled (as well as bloated, cranky and indecisive) and has threatened to run off with the kid, according to an "insider".

"Katie said she wanted to get rid of the freak factor," says the insider. Wouldn't we all.

Meanwhile, the Day has a tempting offer for readers: buy the mag, get a free BBQ mitt, worth $9.99 (no steak knives included).

It could be just the thing Nicole needs to re-start her appetite.