Greg Dixon: Make me an offer I can't refuse

COMMENT

I have made a big decision. I've had enough of lying on the couch being a television critic. I've decided to become a Mob boss instead. I plan to start my new career on Monday.

In the meantime, one problem remains. I have a final tricky and existential call to make and it is this: what sort of mobster do I want to be? As far as I can figure there are two basic breeds, the legit gangster and the Tony Soprano kind.

The latter is certainly the more appealing and I've been giving him a great deal of study in the last week or so. With television just about as bad as it's ever been right now - I really want to watch five hours a day but can only find an hour or two I can stomach - I've put myself on a crash diet of The Sopranos courtesy of my very fine local video store.

Instead of having my brain melt as I watch the likes of The Fence, Hot Property or I'm With Her, I figured a Sopranos jag (starting with Episode One, Series One and not stopping for anything but meals, catnaps and loo breaks until the last ep of Series Four) was the only way to watch the box for hours and stay sane.

However, the return of Donald Trump's The Apprentice this week gave me something else to watch as well as a close-up look at my other career option: the legit mobsters known as big businessmen.

I have to say I've never really understood why business is so often held up as some kind of exemplar and those who do it as role models for the rest of us. What's so clever or admirable about making big bucks from flogging fizzy drinks, swimming pools or running shoes?

The Donald, well, he's different. You can tell by the hair and the attitude. But it did occur to me that Trump may also have seen to much of The Sopranos himself.

Indeed Tony and Donald could actually be the same guy. Both live in lavish homes that exhibit exactly no taste. Both like the dames. Both have haircuts you don't want. Both have exaggerated views of their own success.

They even talk the same kind of hard-ass talk.

Here's Trump on making decisions: Be quick but careful.

Here's Soprano: A wrong decision is better than indecision.

Trump: You're fired.

Soprano: You wanna talk rules? You wanna talk all that old-school bullshit? Then remember this rule: I am the [expletive] one who calls the shots.

The only real difference between The Donald and The Don seems to be the people they hang out with - and on this I think my choice can be made. Sure, Trump has the creepy George Ross and the sour-faced Cruella, Carolyn Kepcher. But for most of the show he hangs out with some of the most nauseating wannabe capitalists you're likely to meet.

Soprano, on the other hand, has a fantastic rogue's gallery of great sidekicks: the panty-sniffing Paulie, the lounge lizard Silvio, Uncle @

@#$%in Junior ... Nah, it's really no choice at all.

Bring on Monday.