Greg Dixon: Duty calls, I answer

COMMENT

Dear Mr Ralston,

It was with genuine regret that I read that Paul Holmes had chosen not to renew his contract with TVNZ news and current affairs from the end of this year.

But it is important to realise that, while Paul made a huge contribution to TVNZ over the years, a current affairs show such as this is always greater than the sum of its parts. Mind you, when one of the really big, important parts goes awol - the guy with his name on the marquee, say - you'd have to be sweating blood over replacing him with someone of equal pulling power.

Unaccustomed as I am to public bragging, I will make an exception on this occasion because, frankly, you need me. I am, to put not too fine a point on it, your man. I'm a broadcasting Big Enchilada in waiting.

As I revealed last week, I do have experience as a newsreader. But there's more to it than that. Frankly, as the rugby writers' cliche has it, I shade the competition.

Yes, yes, John Campbell is a fine bloke. Terrific journalist too, though he's slightly suspect on the subject of corn. But, really, do you want someone who rabbits on about poetry and some ancient band called Orange Juice fronting your nightly current affairs show? My Uncle Dicky in Picton, the one who won the war but lost a leg, would have a conniption and gnaw off his other pin if that happened. He hates Campbell's pointy-headed sort.

I suppose you'll be giving Paul's second-fiddle Susan Wood a long, hard look too. My advice is to stop looking. We don't want her repeating her King Kong press conference embarrassment five nights a week. Anyway, you can't have another sheila - you already have Judy reading the news.

And as for Kim Hill ... well, if you want half an hour of blood sport on your channel at 7 each weeknight, be my guest.

Of course you might look to some of your minor stars - Eric Young, Simon Dallow or even Mark Sainsbury - but if we viewers want minor stars we switch to Prime. Well, we used to switch to Prime.

So as you see, hiring me is no-brainer. As you can tell by my photo byline, I'm small and not particularly easy on the eye - much like that yesterday's bloke I'm surely about to replace.

And though I've never earned $700,000-plus a year, I'm pretty sure I can take it in my stride.

I have a passing interesting in asking people questions, too, though I am much more interested in saying outrageous things for the sake of it, pandering to viewers' basic prejudices and winding them up about Maori gravy trains and those anal tax thieves in Wellington, than I am in balance, objectivity and enlightenment.

And if it comes to it, I'm more than willing to change my name by deed poll. Maybe to John Campbell. Indeed I think that's a marvellous idea.

I await your job offer with anticipation.

Yours truly etc ...