Duncan Gillies: Something doesn't fit about fashion

There are some things in life I will never completely understand. One is the catalysis of metal oxides. Another is how they get those model boats inside bottles. The big one, though, is fashion.

Maybe it has to do with my upbringing.

I grew up in Gisborne, where most people I knew wore hand-me-downs that had been in circulation since the arrival of the early settlers, slippers were acceptable footwear in the main street, and gumboots were saved for special occasions.

I understand, though, that fashion is important for a lot of people. While Fashion Week for me is the Hallensteins end-of-winter sale, for the more sartorially sophisticated it is a time of great excitement.

People at work have been running a sweepstake on what the new black will be this season. I wanted to pick black but it wasn't one of the options.

I was left more confused when I stumbled upon a series of news pictures this week of malnourished women whose clothes hung limply on their skeletal frames. Right below the images from flood-stricken Pakistan were images of London Fashion Week.

Now, I'm not sure what place fashion plays in world news. Maybe people expect to see headlines that read "Women wears suitcase on her head" with a secondary heading that reads "Designer expects people to dress up as pieces of luggage".

Because the images that I saw were of Pam Hogg's collection in London. The first was of a woman wearing a small suitcase - more hand luggage than something you would check in - as a sort of hat.

Sure, I understand how handy it would be to have something like that so all your essential items were within reach all the time. But Hogg, like so many fashion designers, has overlooked the practical side of such an accessory.

I can only imagine how frustrating it would be for a woman who banged her hat every time she went through the office door, and who would see all her belongings spread across the floor every time she bent over to pick something up.

The outfit also featured something that looked as though it was meant to stop women from speaking, which did make me think it might be something my father would buy for my mum.

The next Hogg model came out wearing nothing except keys over her breasts and a rather revealing padlock over her private area. Now, I can't say I'd be disappointed if more women dressed this way but I imagine whoever went out and bought this outfit would feel a bit exposed every time she locked up her bike.

But if Hogg shocked with her collection, French wig designer Charlie le Mindu took it a step further, sending out a series of models completely naked except for shoes and something on their heads.

The mood was still stylishly serious in the front row in London but you know deep down everybody was squealing as though they were at a Justin Bieber concert.

This was something big. Revolutionary. Designers have sent models out wearing next to nothing before but who would have thought of sending out models wearing nothing at all.

Amazing. Outrageous. Genius.

Except, I don't get it.

I only think of the Emperor's New Clothes. You know the story. A crafty designer convinces the emperor he has made him the best outfit ever but forgets to tell him it's a number by Charlie le Mindu. It's only when a child calls out that he's wearing nothing that he realises he's been had.

Maybe that explains why you don't see many children in the front row at some of these shows.

* Duncan Gillies is the Herald's Foreign Sub-editor