KEY POINTS:
I'm a retired pensioner, now living alone for the first time and having to "do for myself".
I've solved most of the mysteries of the fan oven, microwave, dishwasher and freezer, and thought I'd conquered the washing machine by ignoring all those little tabs that say hand wash only, dry in shade, and so on. My method is to chuck everything in together, and if something doesn't survive, discard it.
Ironing is totally avoided by giving the shirts a final burst in the dryer and hanging them up while warm, to take the wrinkles out. Everything else doesn't need ironing anyway.
But it's not the washing and ironing that's the problem, it's the supermarket. When buying laundry powder, there's a whole shelf full of different varieties of the same brand.
There is High Performance, Low Suds, and aloe Vera, all with a "Soak and Wash" option. What is the difference? What do you need to soak? And what does aloe vera do, whatever it is? Selecting a powder that simply washes clothes without fuss doesn't seem to exist. The result is confusion, angst and incipient consumer depression.
And that's not the only thing. Take toothpaste. It comes in Whitening, Advanced Whitening, with or without Breath Strips, Sensitive, Maximum Cavity Protection, Triple Action, Tartar Control and Mint Gel.
What happens if I don't use Whitening? Do my teeth turn yellow? I may have white teeth, but will this be at the expense of missing out on Cavity and Tartar Control?
Even bread suffers from this overkill. My favourite standard sandwich wholegrain loaf now has options such as Soy and Linseed, Ancient Grains (the mind boggles), Sunflower and Barley, Fruit and Spice. Instead of just sandwich and toast, the bread is now also cut into very thin, very thick, and even long cut.
Long cut? Whoever would want their bread cut length-wise?
Toilet cleansers are another minefield. Over the months I have acquired a lavender-scented cleaner for the toilet bowl, pine disinfectant for the rest of it and a vanilla-scented air freshener. The combination of all of them together is vaguely reminiscent of a silage pit.
Maybe all this is inevitable. In the words of H. L. Mencken, "Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas." A better sage may be Mae West who said "Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."
In this case, the shopping basket will be overloaded with Soak and Wash Aloe Vera washing powder, Tartar Control toothpaste and Ancient Grains (or maybe long cut) bread.
They may not do the job, but at least they will be new evils to experience.
* Bill Jamieson is an Auckland writer and author of the book The New Retirement: Smart Tips for Boomers.
