I was in a sexless marriage for 20 years so I hired a male escort

Rachel felt highly sexual but her marriage wasn’t satisfying her needs. Photo / 123RF

Rachel* has been in an almost sexless marriage for over 20 years so she decided to take action to satisfy her needs. She tells her story anonymously but in her own words.

Strange sexual dreams had plagued me for a few months nearing the end of 2021. My 41st birthday was a few weeks away and I was feeling restless, uncharacteristically anxious, however strangely excited all at once.

I realised I had more time to myself, to exist in my own thoughts and process some of the repressed desires and emotions I had buried while I was focused on raising my young children.

The old version of myself was content to undertake solo trips to the theatre, grab a coffee at a cafe, or just people-watch. I had been existing on the periphery and never actively participating in social activities with others.

I was a recluse. From my family, my friends and my husband.

I was raised in a traditional Southeast Asian household. I was discouraged to make my own decisions or deviate from the path my family had paved for me. I was required to study, earn a degree, get married and have children. End of story. However, life isn’t that simple, and I had realised at a young age I was highly sexed. I was fascinated by the idea of sexual pleasure and how to achieve it.

When I was 11, I found a box of trashy supermarket romance novels in the garage of my family home left there by the previous owners.

These books and the depiction of soft porn shaped my views on sexual relationships and the dynamics between men and women. The references to sex, coated in flowery prose intensified my fascination. I wanted exactly that.

I wanted passion and romance, not the scripted version my family had determined.

Life intrudes and familial bonds are strong, so I found myself married to a man who was not sexually attracted to me. In the 20 years we have been married, I can count the number of times we engaged in sexual activity and that was in an attempt to conceive children.

Motivated by frustration, I discussed my sexual urges with my husband, and he recommended that I find a solution that would be least detrimental to our reputation within our ethnic community.

Secretly, I considered the prospect of hiring a male escort.

The benefits of hiring an escort meant that it was transactional; sexual services would satisfy my requirements and the business relationship provided firm boundaries.

With this mindset and my husband’s approval, I booked Samuel Hunter, a straight male escort and met him for the first time in December 2021.

I’ve continued seeing Samuel since, and my sexual journey can only be described as liberating. Samuel has provided me with a safe space to explore my sexual identity. I’ve experimented with women, indulged in a threesome and foursome.

I’ve attended swingers’ parties to explore the subculture of kink and discovered light BDSM as a result.

Through all of this, Samuel has been integral to my sexual awakening. I am free from judgment, cultural or societal stigma in his company.

Samuel allows me to take charge of my sexuality and navigate scenarios and scenes that had previously been trapped in my mind.

Hiring Samuel unlocked a sensual world in which I was previously a voyeur. A realm in which I was now an active participant. There are certain things I wouldn’t try again, but I was back in control, and I could make choices regarding my sexuality.

My sexual exploration has changed my perspective and improved my mental health. I no longer feel resentment towards my husband for our lack of intimacy. My interactions with my family and peers have also changed and I am more open and engaging.

The hardest part of these experiences is being able to openly discuss my weekend shenanigans. Chats of fellatio on women wouldn’t be well received over a Sunday roast or a cup of coffee within my circle of “dance” mum friends.

Booking and meeting Samuel was the safe and comforting outlet I needed to maintain my marriage and explore my sexual desires.

I uncovered courage and contentment in an unconventional arrangement based on my desperation to exist without the social bounds of my ethnicity, gender and familial obligations.

Designing a solution to years of repression and dissatisfaction is emancipating and I have a new level of excitement and confidence.

Overall, it has challenged me to think more broadly about my human right to sexual pleasure while navigating and balancing my identity as a woman, as a member of the Asian community and living in Australia.

* Name changed