"Parenting challenges us in ways that we never think possible," says registered counsellor Hailee Walker. "We become more emotionally, physically and mentally stretched. When we are so stretched we lose our emotional and mental pliability, our ability to stay cool under pressure becomes limited," she says.
"Often we lash out at our partners more so then the children because we have a different expectation of our partners then we do our children. We accept that children are still learning and making mistakes however we expect our partners to be our parenting equal," she says.
Then, Walker drops this truth bomb that was certainly the crux of my problem:
"We want them to do what we would do and without having to tell them. When we are already stretched to our maximum capacity we want our partner to know this."
WE HAD TO RELEARN TO COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY WITH EACH OTHER
Before kids, we had communication down. But when the parameters changed we found ourselves on untrodden ground and neither of us did a great job at navigating the somewhat rocky terrain. One thing I've since learned; yelling has the opposite effect of getting a point across.
"When someone yells at us we rarely listen to what they are saying. We are more likely to become defensive or stonewall them," Walker says. Or in our case, say "sure, no problem" and "terribly sorry", which translated to "I have no idea what you said, I'm just nodding so I can get the hell out of this room."
And instead of taking the martyr's approach to the now dialled down conversation - the "when you make me do all the housework, and look after the kids, and get the car serviced, and jog three blocks carrying the kitchen sink...." approach, I revisited an old habit - asking how his day had been.
Then I have the chance to offer up mine in a way that is constructive, and doesn't assume I'm the only one that's busy. I'm not suggesting a doormat approach either - simply suggesting there's a more constructive middle road.
THE OTHER TIPS THAT WORKED WELL FOR ME
If you're struggling to ward off "surprise" yelling attacks, look for physical warning signs. You may feel your heart starting to pound, your palms may begin to sweat and you may feel your blood pressure rising.
"When this happens it's time to take a break. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down before you resort to yelling. Leave the room if you need to," Walker suggests.
Challenging the habit is also key - like anything, yelling becomes a habit. This can also be said of not yelling. You'll stuff up along the challenge, but get back on the horse, and accept change takes time.
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I STOPPED YELLING
If you ever get the feeling someone is avoiding you, you're probably right. I know this, because once the heat was off, and we talked about where things had been at, that confession came up - he would go out of his way to not spend time with me.
We also had sex more. Which didn't come from him (pardon the pun). By talking to my husband with the same respect I used to, I was back in his trust - he could tell me the good and the bad, the funny and the annoying stuff.
So we're back to knowing the intimate details of each other's lives and feelings, and he's become that same whole person again - not the Hoover-that-doesn't-work one-dimension guy that I'd turned him into in my mind.
And of course, I got a chance to talk through how this crazy parenting gig had changed my life as the at-home person and what was, and wasn't, fair to assume I'd do, so we handled the changes like a team.
And now the kids don't think that's how adults speak to each other - or they should look for a shrew in their future partner. Which is nice.
