The saying goes that money can't buy you love, but for these women, a big salary is a good start. Photo / Getty Images
Rather than scaring dates off, the awkward money questions are working for these women
Is a first date too soon to bring up money? It may be seen as an instant turn-off, but for some, knowing about a potential partner’s income is as important as what they look like.
More than a third of British adults say financial compatibility is more important in a relationship than wanting children or getting married, according to a Natwest survey. It also found that a quarter would be put off by a date if they had a low credit score.
In the US, where personal credit scores are more important and commonplace, some young people have advertised theirs on their online dating profile.
Score, a dating app for people with good credit, launched in the US earlier this year – although it shut down a few months later.
It may seem gauche to talk about money before you even know each other’s middle names, but since finances shape so much of our lives is it really that controversial to be upfront about financial expectations?
Samantha Jayne, 52, prefers dating younger men. “They’ve got to keep up with my energy,” she says. However, Jayne has often found her generosity in relationships would be taken advantage of.
She has been left to cover the bill many times when her date “forgot” their wallet. She would also be the one to book and pay for dates or the one to order takeaways, which she never got their half of the money for.
“One even put a pair of jeans in my shopping basket,” she says.
“I’m not willing to be a sugar mama. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just don’t want to be one.”
Since becoming successful in business as a spiritual coach, healer and medium, Jayne has noticed an expectation to finance the men she dates, so she has begun to pay close attention to finances from the first date.
“I had to harden to this as a form of self-protection because I fell for it time and time again – as so many women do.
“I understand financial positions can change but I think when you’re at my age and you’re dating, finances destroy so many relationships. To not ask questions about income – but also about financial attitudes, how they spend, why they’re in the financial positions – is ridiculously naive.”
Jayne’s business brings in six figures and she says she prefers to date men who can match that. “I wouldn’t date someone who was earning less than me,” she says. “I’ve been known to check people out on [UK companies register] Companies House. What is the difference from checking someone’s Facebook profile?”
While she believes there’s nothing to be lost by being upfront, that doesn’t have to mean demanding they open their banking app at the table. “You can know by where they go on holiday,” she says. “Is this person booking a holiday in Barbados or Butlins?”
Rather than scaring dates off, her approach is working for her. “What I have found is that men with money prefer women with my kind of attitude,” she explains.
“I get asked out a lot by men with money because they like a woman who’s strong-minded and knows where she’s at with her finances.”
She adds “they also realise that actually I’m not after their money”.
Laura Moore, 30, has been single her whole life. “I think I must have been one of the first downloaders of Tinder,” she jokes. “I’ve seen the dating app through the ages.”
She says she has strong boundaries when it comes to dating and, as a financial coach, she is comfortable talking about money: “I try to bring up the conversation sooner rather than later.
“I don’t go into the interrogation tactic of how much they’re earning or what their financial situation is. I bring it up more in the concept of how they might feel about money and their opinion on it.”
For Moore, someone being good with their money is attractive: “We live in a world where we all need money, whether we like it or not.”
Not everyone is as open as she is, however. She recalls going on a date with someone who found it embarrassing that she discussed how much she had in savings.
“We were obviously not aligned because I don’t find it embarrassing at all,” she told them.
Moore, who lives in London, has big financial goals and wants to meet someone who can match them. “It’s okay to want to date someone who is good with their money. It’s not the same as wanting to date someone for their money,” she explains.
“Some guys I’ve dated have been intimidated by the fact that I run my own business and have my own money.”
She also doesn’t agree with the term “gold digger”. “Men like to get their knickers in a twist and call you a gold digger when they don’t get what they want,” she says.
While being funny is No 1 on her list of priorities when it comes to dating, financial attitude also ranks highly.
“It’s not about being wealthy. It’s about your attitude towards wealth.
“The last thing I want to do is argue with somebody about money or for me to be funding their lifestyle.”
Chloe Taylor, 26, was unhappy in a relationship that wasn’t meeting her needs. “I was really settling,” she explains. “I had lost myself in the relationship, and had completely lost sight of what my aspirations and goals were.”
On top of this, she also felt she was being taken advantage of financially: “It was always me that was paying for things and planning dates for us to go on.”
Taking some time for herself, she wrote a list of all the things she wanted in her dream man. Among other things, she listed someone who matched her drive and financial aspirations.
So she ended the relationship that wasn’t working and started dating with finances at the forefront of her mind.
“It’s a bit of a taboo topic, isn’t it? I think women who look for that get labelled as gold diggers, rather than looking out for themselves,” she says.
“Realistically, is there anyone who wants to be with somebody who’s a low-earner? Everyone has high aspirations for who they would see themselves being with – I just think some people are more vocal about it than others.”
On dates, Taylor has started asking open-ended questions and letting her dates talk. From whatever they say, she can then paint a picture of what their life could look like together.
“That’s the thing that girls all look for anyway: whether you can actually see a future with someone. Obviously, what that looks like is very dependent upon the income that both of you bring in.”
A lot of the men she dated didn’t come up to par. “There’s a lot of men wanting princess treatment nowadays,” she says, with many of the men expecting her to pay half on a first date.
For Taylor, whoever invites the other person on the date should be the one to foot the bill.
“Even on the first date in the beginning, when you’re meant to be showing me the absolute best version of yourself, you’re not going to pay for a meal? What does that look like going forward?”
On a few occasions, Taylor shares how when the bill would come, her date would excuse himself to go to the bathroom. She then paid the bill and left.
However, her patience and strong boundaries eventually paid off. Taylor has now been in a relationship for nine months and recently moved into a house with her boyfriend.
“He ticks every single box on the list.”
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