New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: Three years ago, when I was 15, I saw my dad going into a motel with a woman I didn’t know. I happened to be getting frozen yogurt with friends next door. I was totally freaked out, but I said nothing. I just pretended it never happened. A few months later, my mom asked me directly if I thought my dad was having an affair. I said I didn’t — which was obviously a lie. My parents separated, then divorced, about a year later. Pretty much every day since then, I have felt guilty about my behaviour. Do you think if I’d confronted my dad or told my mom the truth, at the time, my parents might still be married today? — DAUGHTER
A: Let me be crystal clear: the only person who did nothing wrong here is you. Your father was reckless to subject you to what seemed to be his adultery, even by accident. And while I sympathise with your mother, she was wrong to involve a child in her marital difficulties. It was natural for you to shut down about what you had seen and, later, to try to protect your father and keep your family intact.
Sadly, your (unwarranted) guilt makes perfect sense to me, too. Young people often feel responsible for creating crises to which they are witnesses at most. I can’t say with certainty that your parents would be divorced today no matter how you had responded to what you saw, but I suspect they would be.
That leaves my overriding concern: unless you address your feelings of guilt about this episode, they may bleed into other areas of your life and diminish them. (I worry that may be happening already.) I am sorry you have to grapple with your parents’ poor judgment, but you do. Talk to a counsellor to help put this episode into perspective and acknowledge your blamelessness.