New research suggests single men experience abnormally high rates of loneliness. Photo / 123RF
New research suggests single men experience abnormally high rates of loneliness. Photo / 123RF
This Men’s Health Week, Sinead Corcoran Dye speaks to a relationship expert and three single men about the challenges of dating over 40.
It’s common knowledge men should be getting off the couch and working up a sweat for at least 30 minutes a day, goingto the GP for a check-up at least once a year and opening up about their mental health with their mates instead of staying silent when they’re feeling down and out.
But research has found another area that can seriously impact men’s wellness - living the now-reformed George Clooney-style bachelor life.
New US research indicates single men experience abnormally high rates of loneliness, causing them to feel alienated and isolated. This loneliness is also a risk factor for a range of mental health issues, including depression. The findings also indicate divorced men have a higher rate of mental health issues compared to never-married, separated and widowed men.
Therapist Alexander Terblanche says recognising relationships as a key part of our broader health is crucial.
“But I was miserable and spent the whole time chain-smoking, playing everything over and over in my head and feeling really lonely.”
Meanwhile, Rob* has been single for 15 years and, at 52, says there are times when he also struggles with loneliness.
“I cope by being transparent and honest about the good, the bad and the ugly side of my mental wellbeing. I have learned to be comfortable with my own skin and relish meeting with close family.
“It doesn’t affect my masculinity, but can give my self-confidence a nudge to wake up.”
Although he would like to be in a relationship, Rob is not on dating apps at the moment as he’d prefer to meet someone organically.
Terblanche says loneliness stems from not having someone with whom we can be truly ourselves, vulnerable and share intimacy.
“This is what many men crave - not just to fix loneliness, but to find a romantic partner who adds to the support system they already have.”
Terblanche, who works as a relationship expert for premium dating company Compatico, held a focus group with 12 men aged 40-plus to learn more about men’s experiences against the backdrop of a global “loneliness epidemic”.
But the men in the Compatico focus group felt the term “loneliness” was a counter to their sense of masculinity. They preferred the term “unpartnered”.
“The men involved did not resonate with the term ‘lonely’, often citing fulfilling friendships, active social lives and engaging hobbies such as sports and clubs. Instead, they expressed the desire for a romantic partner to share deeper intimacy and vulnerability with.”
Personal mental health was highlighted as fundamental to having a healthy relationship, says Terblanche.
“Coming out of a relationship brings lessons and experiences that we carry with us, and preparing for a new relationship involves acknowledging what we’re still holding on to. This might include trauma, hurt, or rejection, the grief of a failed marriage. Recognising patterns from past relationships can help in setting the stage for the next steps.”
Mark, 42, co-parents his children and, with a busy work life, says he doesn’t have time for dating at the moment.
He told the NZ Herald he had dabbled with dating apps but hated them.
“I’m pretty private and don’t want my dating desires on a billboard. I don’t like the gamification of the whole thing.”
He said he held no trauma from his previous relationship but acknowledged he had learned from it.
“I probably know my red and green flags a lot better now - not just in someone else, but my own flags too.”
The men in the focus group largely shared Mark’s concern about dating apps.
Some said they often resulted in heightened feelings of rejection and inadequacy. They described the experience as commercialised, making them feel disposable.
Many men crave intimacy and vulnerability in relationships. Photo / 123RF
“The instant gratification from the dopamine rush experienced through dating apps has significant downsides,” says Terblanche. “And while the users often feel a surge of excitement at the start, this feeling wanes over time, leading to a cycle of chasing that initial high.”
Terblanche says the men in the focus group wanted a slower dating experience to allow a relationship to grow more naturally.
“Men have made significant strides in regular check-ups and monitoring physical and mental health markers. The next opportunity is to examine our relationships and how they impact our wellbeing.
“We know there is a strong correlation between mental fitness and happiness, and a fulfilling relationship can strengthen this link.”
For David, therapy was helpful in identifying areas he needed to work on, such as open communication in order to avoid resentment.
“I’m nowhere near perfect,” he says. “But I think I’m a lot closer now to being in a healthy, happy relationship.”
Sinead Corcoran Dye is an Auckland-based writer, copywriter and communications specialist with a decade of experience in lifestyle content. The mother of one and stepmother of two’s first book on motherhood will be published in February 2025.
