How to win yourself an OSCAR

So how do you get hold of one of those little gold men and who gives them out anyway? Here's a guide to how you get your name at the end of the sentence: And the award goes to . . .


HOW TO WIN A BEST PICTURE OSCAR

STAGE 1

Make movie.

If possible, base it on a well-regarded book. Cast past Oscar nominees or winners to ensure film's prestige. Even better, do all that while getting film backed by Oscar-hungry studio Miramax (though it's having an off year in 2004).

Avoid making a comedy, sci-fi, horror or fantasy film. If making a musical, cast actors unknown for their singing and dancing. If taking the independent route, ensure film gets maximum attention from the international film festival circuit before American release.

STAGE 2

Release your movie in United States.

Try to ensure your film is out as close as possible to Oscar voting season – January for the nominations, February for the Oscars themselves – while still being released in the previous calendar year.

STAGE 3

Have the studio behind it unleash huge "For your consideration" marketing campaigns.

Have its stars at every pre-Oscar awards ceremony and US talk show possible.

Make sure as many Oscar voters as possible see film, either with the controversial "screeners" - sent-out DVDs and videotapes - or with special theatre showings.

Because many of the Academy members are retirees and living in and around Los Angeles, daytime L.A. screenings are best.

All branches of the Academy vote for best picture, so a bright young star's vote is worth just as much as some old guy who thinks films have gone downhill ever since sound came in.

STAGE 4

Remember, the 5500-plus voting members of the Academy all get to vote for best picture in the organisation's proportional representation system.

This is designed to help to create a diverse bunch of nominees. Each nominating ballot has five numbered slots. Although each member gets only one vote they can choose up to five potential nominees in order of preference. So if their number one is eliminated, their vote counts towards their second choice. Any
potential nominee who gets 20 per cent of the first-choice votes will get a nomination.

So in the best picture category, once a film gets more than 1000 first-choice votes, it's nominated.

STAGE 5

Once nomination is in bag, repeat stage 3 ad infinitum until February 24, the close of voting.

The ballots for the best picture and the other Oscars themselves aren't proportional.

Academy members just choose which picture they like the best out of the five.

STAGE 6

Pray.

Prepare speech.

Go to ceremony.

Hear your name called.

Try to remember children's names.

HOW TO WIN AN OSCAR IF YOU'RE A DIRECTOR, ACTOR OR ACTRESS


STAGE 1

Do the best work of your career – even if it's rudely ignored by the Academy this time round, it may still count in your favour in coming years for lesser efforts. So might making one decent movie in a long career of faithful service to Hollywood clunkers.

If an actor, try not to be in anything that relies on special effects.

If it's a movie where you play a bad guy for a change, or one which has scenes in which you cry, get hysterical, or suffer a debilitating injury or illness – and that can mean just putting on some weight – all the better.

Note: two great performances in a year can help, but it can also confuse potential voters.

If a director, think big – big thick books, big sets, big battles. If it's a performance-driven movie, you risk your cast getting all the glory. Even if you did write the damn thing yourself.

STAGE 2

Get nominated by your peers. The various branches of the Academy nominate and vote for their own. That means the actors vote for actors, directors for directors, editors for editors and so on.

Hence the frequent nomination of actors in movies very few people have seen, while the technical categories tend to go towards the big-budget state of the art numbers.

STAGE 3

One you've been nominated hit the circuit of pre-Oscar awards and media.

Learn to earnestly intone several variations on "it's an honour just to be nominated" and that "this latest project is my most personal work". Especially if it actually is.

Try not to do anything too craven to gain votes. Though visiting the residents at the Motion Picture & Television Fund retirement home – whom Kevin Spacey thanked in his acceptance speech for American Beauty – in Woodland Hills, California is thought to be a wise move.

STAGE 4

If an actor, ensure your agent is keeping the pressure on the studio behind the picture to deliver as much or more marketing muscle to your Oscar campaign as any others they are mounting.

Even if they are in the same film as you. Even if you have the same agent.

STAGE 5

Turn up looking glamorous (actors) or presentable (directors – give beard a trim).

Hear your name called.

If an actor, cry hysterically or pash the presenter, just do something memorable so you will be remembered in years to come when you are reduced to a long career of faithful service to Hollywood clunkers.

Remember to thank your agent, especially if you are best supporting actress winner – as history shows, he or she is your only hope of avoiding oblivion.

HOW TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THE ACADEMY

STAGE 1

To become a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences you have to "have achieved distinction in the arts and sciences of motion pictures".

Getting an Oscar nomination is a quick way to proving that – although having a long, uncelebrated list of film credits helps too.

STAGE 2

You have to be nominated by two members of the branch you are hoping to join.

There are 14 branches – actors, art directors, cinematographers, directors, documentary, executives, film editors, music, producers, public relations, short films and feature animation, sound, visual effects and writers.

Each proposed member must first get the approval of their branch executive committee, then the Academy board of governors.

STAGE 3

Once you're in, you get to vote for the nominees, then the Oscar winner in your branch and for best picture too.

You get an invitation to the big night, assuming of course, your membership dues are up to date.