How to talk to your kids about sex - and how not to, according to a sex coach

Certain ways of talking (or not talking) to kids about sex can cause issues that stick around long into adulthood. Photo / Getty Images

Kiwi sex therapist Sofie Louise explains how to handle the delicate “birds and bees” chat with your children, and what not to say.

I’ve never been a parent, but I’ve worked closely with my sex coaching clients as they’ve unpacked how their upbringing has affected the challenges they’ve faced in their sex lives.

The stories they’ve shared have made it clear certain ways of talking (or not talking) to kids about sex can cause issues that stick around long into adulthood, affecting everything from dating and marriage to raising kids of their own. Here are the things not to do.

Ignoring it

Without a doubt, the most common issue I see is parents completely avoiding the topic of sex.

One client of mine could vividly recall being in the car after she’d been picked up from preschool and asking her mum what sex was, as she’d heard other kids talking about it that day. Instead of sharing an age-appropriate answer to this question, her mum changed the topic.

Dodging these questions when they come up - or not initiating these conversations as kids move through their various development stages - sends an indirect message, even to very young children, that this topic is taboo or dirty.

This often leads to sexual shame that makes people hesitant to seek help for important issues like contraception and STI prevention because they’re afraid of being judged. I’ve noticed that clients who had this experience as children were, and still are, less likely to talk with their friends about sex, leaving them to feel like they need to face sex-related issues on their own.

Many of my clients have also experienced how this shame can prevent them from being comfortable with receiving pleasure and having orgasms as they struggle to fully detach from the feeling they’re doing something wrong while being sexual.

This gets even worse when it comes to avoiding talking about queer sex and dating, as the societal stigmas surrounding this exacerbate the problem.

Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based sex and relationships coach.

Sending the wrong message

While many parents are going to want to discourage their children from having sex before they feel they’re ready, doing this by painting sex as “bad” tends to backfire.

While another client of mine was a teenager, she was told by a youth pastor at her church sex was something which would inevitably be painful. She attributes this conversation to the fear that she began to feel around having sex, which actually led to experiences of painful sex that she struggled with throughout her marriage.

Many other clients were told by their caregivers that having sex is wrong, either because it’s a sin, they will inevitably end up pregnant, or they’ll be judged by their friends for being “promiscuous”.

This approach is similar to the Drug Abuse Resistance Education programmr (or D.A.R.E.) from the 1980s, which aimed to scare kids away from drugs by focusing on the dangers of using. But studies consistently showed it was ineffective, with some finding it actually increased drug use.

The same concept applies to sex. Portraying it as something that’s bad hasn’t been found to decrease sexual activity among teens. Instead, it actually leads to riskier sexual behaviours in young adults, like reduced condom use.

Within my client base, there tends to be a connection between this childhood experience and a reduced interest in sex that leaves them struggling to create the connection they desire with their partner.

Studies show that children who receive open and honest sex education make safer sexual choices. Photo / 123RF

So, what can you do instead?

It’s important to understand no one is expecting you to be perfect when you have these chats with your kids. It’s likely you’re still impacted by the sex education that you received earlier in your own life, which was likely lacking in many regards.

This might mean there are remnants of sexual shame present within you that could make you feel uncomfortable while you’re having these conversations with your kids.

However, it’s likely if you’re feeling awkward about having these talks, your kids will be able to sense this. Not addressing this could lead to them perceiving your embarrassment as implicit messaging that sex is shameful. So, to avoid this, I recommend being transparent about what’s going on.

This could include telling them your parents didn’t talk about sex with you, which means that you don’t have much practice discussing these things. However, you can be very clear that you want to create an ongoing conversation where nothing’s off the table and you can all be open and honest with each other as you learn together.

As you talk more with your kids about this, it will start to feel easier, particularly as you find your own way of approaching it that feels right for you. The most important thing is that you’re talking to them about it at all.

And, if you’re concerned you might share too much information with your kids that will encourage them to have sex when they’re too young, know that studies find that comprehensive sex education can actually increase the age at which people become sexually active, while also reducing unwanted pregnancies and STIs.

Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.