It feels like everyone is accusing their dates of being narcissists these days. Photo / Getty Images
The author of a new book on the trait, psychologist Dr Sarah Davies, on the five warning signs to look out for.
“You start to think everything is normal. You get reconditioned to thinking it is okay,” Kate, 52, tells me. “I like to think I’m an intelligent person, but it happens without you realising. You get desensitised. They are masters at control and manipulation and making you think it is your fault — that you are the unreasonable one.”
Three years ago Kate left her partner of 20 years: a narcissist. “Something flipped inside me,” she says, “and I just thought, you know what, I’m going to go.” Today she has a new partner and a happy life. Her ex is being investigated by the police for his behaviour towards her and a number of other women.
“To strangers and to the outside world he would be the life and soul of the party,” she says. “We looked like the perfect couple.” But for years Kate barely left the house apart from to attend an all-female gym class. Even then her partner accused her of having an affair with the instructor. Taking her children on holiday was a crime in his eyes. So was cooking them food that they wanted to eat, rather than the food her partner thought they should eat. There were rages, sulks. Sometimes he would not speak to her for weeks.
Kate’s partner shows classic traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The psychologist Dr Sarah Davies has spent the past decade studying people with this particular affliction and helping their partners escape the toxic relationships they create. “NPD is characterised by long-term patterns of behaviour and attitudes that centre around self-importance, disregard for others and a pathological need for attention and admiration, together with a distinct lack of empathy,” she explains in her book How to Leave a Narcissist … for Good.
“[Narcissists] are manipulative and do not think twice about using or taking advantage of other people for their own selfish gains. In fact, many narcissists view others simply as commodities. They are unable to ever really experience deep, authentic relationships or connections with people.” The consequences of falling into the clutches of someone with NPD can be devastating. Now in a happy relationship, Kate still comes up short sometimes. Her brain has been trained to expect the worst. “You expect there is going to be a recrimination,” she says. “But there isn’t.” Davies spends much of her working life helping those who have suffered at the hands of a narcissist to heal.
Right now narcissism is experiencing something of a moment in the spotlight. “When I was working 10 years ago it really wasn’t something you’d hear a lot of people talking about,” Davies says. People would visit her with any number of issues — anxiety, eating problems, low self-esteem. It was only on close examination that it emerged that their issues were “stemming from a partner who was making them feel not good enough”. “People hadn’t really heard about it. Ten years ago if you put into Google ‘narcissistic abuse’ there was literally a handful of pages.” The 2015 change in the law to make coercive control illegal helped to change this. More generally, the internet has helped the idea spread. The hashtag #narcissist has 11 billion views on TikTok and there are — in Davies’ words — “a gazillion websites about it”.
It can feel like everyone and their husband is a narcissist these days. Or, at least, everyone is accusing their husband of being a narcissist online. Davies tells me about a social media post a friend of hers saw. A woman had taken a screenshot of a text from a man she had been on a few dates with. The text simply said that he had had a nice time but did not think there was a spark between the two of them. “She had posted a big long rant about this being what narcissists do,” Davies says. No, this isn’t what narcissists do. That post, she says, “captures a lot of what you see nowadays”.
Calling someone a narcissist has almost become a trend. I canvassed my friends for this article. Had anyone dated a narcissist? The replies were tentative. “I know everyone says their ex was a narcissist,” one former colleague messaged, “but mine really was.” Davies worries about this. “Not every arsehole is a narcissist,” she says. If we start calling everyone a narcissist, we might lose the ability to identify the real ones. “So much out there does feed into hysteria and a skewed view about what narcissism is. Some of it can be so vague that you sort of think this captures most of us.”
Accusing others of narcissism is a big economy. Skim through TikTok and you will be besieged by videos on the topic: “5 tricks the narcissist does to make you feel like you’re the problem”; “Psychology trick to test if someone is a narcissist”; “8 mind games narcissists use to manipulate you and listen for number 8, it’s going to make you laugh”. Some of the people making these videos are clinical professionals. Most are enthusiastic amateurs with no more psychological training than you or I.
“It terrifies me,” Davies says. “I see a lot of people who are actually quite traumatised by watching more and more. For somebody who has experienced an abusive relationship, exposing yourself to the hysterical misinformed guidance out there can actually be quite triggering and traumatising. An experienced trauma therapist will make you feel calmer.” If you have been the victim of a genuine narcissist, Davies says, you don’t need TikTok, you need a reliable, serious source of knowledge and support like a professional therapist (or indeed, Davies’ book and others like it).
There is a similar slew of garbled information out there for those who worry that their friend may have fallen into a relationship with a narcissist. Davies has two key pieces of advice. First, stay close to them, even though it may be difficult. Narcissists are excellent at isolating their victims from friends and family. Second, when broaching the topic, be direct. “A sweeping statement can lose the specifics of what you are trying to say.” Instead of saying, “Your boyfriend is an arsehole,” or, “Your boyfriend is a narcissist,” try, “I didn’t like the way he talked to you tonight,” or “I hear the way he keeps putting you down.”
It is possible to leave a narcissist. Kate did, and today she speaks about her experience with candour and a remarkable degree of detachment. “I’m really happy now,” she says. “I don’t regret anything. Everything happens for a reason. I’m really strong now. I pity him.” The bad news is that people at the top end of the NPD spectrum are often beyond help. The good news is, their victims aren’t.
By Dr Sarah Davies
Narcissism is a defence against deep and intense feelings of shame. For a narcissist, it is simply too psychologically unbearable to connect with this shame and deep inner pain, so they rely on a variety of mental and psychological defence mechanisms and destructive, abusive behaviours.
1. Denial
A point-blank inability to accept or acknowledge any truth, responsibility or error. The level of denial in a narcissist, and the absolute assurance that often accompanies it, can be quite alarming.
2. Fishing
This is when the narcissist will throw out emotional “hooks”. They will be attuned to using the exact bait necessary to catch and reel in their target. It can be helpful to identify for yourself what kinds of bait leave you vulnerable. For example: is it your feelings of guilt?
3. Finger-pointing
A narcissist will never genuinely take responsibility for themselves. They never (or rarely) apologise. They will instead attempt to keep any accusations, blame or responsibility away from them by pointing out what anybody and everybody else is doing or not doing.
4. Love bombing
Overwhelming others with affection and attention, compliments, praise and gifts in order to gain their interest and “love”. The aim of love bombing is ultimately to manipulate and control.
5. Topping
Most narcissists have a habit of “topping” or “upping” anything anybody else has achieved, obtained or owns. This serves to quickly return the focus of attention and admiration to them. Narcissists find it difficult to tolerate enjoying the success or achievements of others.
Edited extract from How to Leave a Narcissist … For Good by Dr Sarah Davies.
Written by: Charlotte Ivers
© The Times of London
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