Food is a popular topic of conversation but not everyone knows how to discuss it in a healthy, inclusive way. Photo / 123rf
The summer holidays are a time to eat but whether we feel merry depends on how we talk about our bodies and our food. Three experts describe common yet harmful phrases Kiwis can ditch for happier and healthier celebrations.
It’s the season of outdoor BBQs and beach picnics, al fresco cocktails and long end-of-year lunches.
The sun is out and holidays are close, so why not have one more bite, scoop or drink; you deserve it.
It will also be the season of unceasing chatter about food and, consequentially, our bodies. We’ll accept another slice with an “Oh, I really shouldn’t” or skip dinner because we were “so bad at lunch”.
We’ll praise friends for looking so healthy, slim, or generally fantastic (when we really mean skinny) and gush about ditching dairy or plans to lose 5kg next year.
As a result, this season will be supremely challenging for many Kiwis, explains Amy Judd, an Auckland dietitian who specialises in eating disorders.
From fussy eaters to those with severe eating disorders, Judd encounters people right across the spectrum but said one doesn’t need a diagnosis to feel triggered by food and body talk.
“I think the majority of people out there don’t meet criteria for full-blown eating disorders, but it doesn’t mean that their struggles are any less severe,” she says.
These struggles include distorted body image or disordered eating, marked by restrictive, compulsive, or irregular eating - issues Judd calls ‘very prevalent’ in Aotearoa.
“For those that are struggling with their relationship with food and their body, they can find talks around food and their body, quite triggering,” she explains.
One such person is Hannah Tunnicliffe, a writer and co-host of Bod Almighty, a podcast about how to cultivate body confidence and peaceful relationships with food.
The podcast’s purpose is personal; Tunnicliffe grappled with bulimia for several years but after ‘recovering’ physically, she found little support for the mental and emotional struggles that continued.
“I had stopped engaging in disordered eating behaviours but all the mental landmines were still very active,” she says.
“After contacting various ED therapists and associations in New Zealand it was clear that my case was not dire enough to access resources and support,” she says, adding that she was left to manage her experience alone.
Judd believes we shouldn’t just be mindful of our language around people with a history of disordered eating, but all people, including ourselves in public.
“We need to think about the way we talk about food and bodies because our words do have power,” Judd says, as it can influence how someone feels or thinks about themselves.
The well-researched link between negative body or food talk and poor body image or disordered eating indicates negative language or behaviour isn’t just unhelpful but harmful.
“We would say there’s harm in some of these conversations, there’s harm in engaging in these behaviours,” says Dr Katie Babbott, an Intern Health Psychologist and Postdoctoral Research Fellow at the University of Auckland who specialises in intuitive eating.
“Language, both verbal and non-verbal, has enormous power that can have positive or negative effects,” she says, referring to what we say and how we say it.
This awareness doesn’t just apply when speaking about someone else’s body or food choices. It’s just as important when speaking about ourselves to others.
Self-criticism is tempting, especially when it elicits compliments or commiseration from others - a behaviour Babbott describes as connection-seeking.
“However, the research tells us that this type of talk (which is often called ‘co-rumination’), actually leads to increased body dissatisfaction and decreased intuitive eating for all parties,” she explains.
Tunnicliffe felt similarly.
“What you say about your body and your eating makes people think about (or judge) their own bodies and their own eating,” she says.
“Often people forget or disregard how impactful their comments can be.”
So, what common phrases or language do experts want us to ditch this summer?
Moralising food is so normalised we can easily use and observe phrases such as “these chocolates are dangerous, get them away from me” or “I’ve been so bad”, daily without realising.
This kind of language implies foods sit on a scale of sinful to virtuous depending on how processed or calorific they are.
By extension, people are sinful or virtuous depending on the foods they eat.
This language creates guilt or shame around eating, which can reinforce restrictive mindsets, Babbott says.
“Saying ‘Oh, that’s bad’ or ‘Oh, that’s such a naughty thing for me to eat’... That really changes the way someone might experience eating that food,” Judd adds.
Instead, you can describe it as a “fun” or “celebratory” food.
Moralisation can also sound like scolding yourself for indulging, or justifying eating an item by calling it a ‘cheat day’ or ‘cheat meal’, Babbott says.
“This language implies that some foods are forbidden and only allowed under certain circumstances, which can increase feelings of deprivation and guilt,” she says.
“These phrases reinforce feelings of shame, which can disrupt a healthy relationship with food and contribute to cycles of restriction and overeating.”
For many, exercise is simply a way to move the body and release endorphins but for some, it is a tool to “earn” food or punish indulgence. Language that bolsters this disordered approach can be harmful, even if the person speaking is exaggerating or making a joke.
“Associating food with exercise as punishment or ‘earning’ can create a cycle of guilt and can foster disordered eating behaviours, as well as an unhealthy relationship with physical activity,” Babbott says.
Potential for harm aside, it’s also a pretty boring and pessimistic way to describe a meal amongst friends, even when said in jest.
Want to make someone feel self-conscious and uncomfortable? Comment on what or how they are eating in public. It can be a seemingly positive comment (“You’ve got a great appetite”) or a barbed one (“I could never eat that”) but the result will likely be the same.
“Comments on others’ eating habits, especially around ‘good’ or ‘bad’ choices, can create self-consciousness and reinforce food judgments, making it difficult for others to eat freely,” Babbott says.
If you feel compelled to say something, Babbott suggests focusing on the social aspects of the meal, such as how thankful you are to share it with others or complimenting someone who made a dish.
When friends and family complimented Hannah Tunnicliffe’s recent weight loss, they meant it as a compliment. Little did they know, they were praising a symptom of depression.
“I lost a lot of weight because of very difficult personal circumstances,” Tunnicliffe explains, adding that it had been one of the worst times of her life.
Eventually, her happiness returned, as did the weight, but the praise and approval stopped, which Tunnicliffe admits impacted her self-esteem.
Many people experience weight loss in unintentional or unhealthy ways and praise (no matter how well-intentioned) can cause further harm, Judd says.
Someone may have experienced an eating disorder relapse or lost their appetite because of a health condition or relationship struggles.
Even if they have pursued weight loss intentionally and sustainably, Babbot says it’s “best practice” to avoid body-related remarks altogether.
“Praising weight change is risky; it generally reinforces the idea that thinner bodies are somehow better or more desirable,” she explains, adding that this can pressure people to maintain a certain weight.
Complementing someone’s character – such as “you’re so creative,” or “you seem so happy,” – can be just as impactful and emphasises self-worth beyond physical appearance.
Don’t think you can get away with tearing yourself down, either.
Comments such as “I feel so fat,” or “I need to lose weight”, reinforce your negative body image but also emphasise weight stigma that can damage others’ self-esteem, Babbott explains.
“But it’s my body, I can talk about it however I like,” you may reason and yes, this is technically true. However, the question is less about what one is “allowed” to do and more about what will create a positive, encouraging environment for everyone, yourself included.
During a meal, it’s almost inevitable that the topic of diets will come up, Babbot says, as people discuss and observe what people choose to eat or avoid.
It’s also awfully tempting when you’re excited (and possibly a little smug) about the perceived benefits.
No matter how good you feel avoiding meat, intermittently fasting, ditching dairy or eating “plant-based”, the experts are unanimous: diets are not an appropriate thing to discuss during meals.
“My take is that it’s not a topic for the dinner table at all,” Babbot says.
Judd agreed the topic has many risks and few rewards.
“We know that dieting is one of the most common forms of disordered eating, and disordered eating is the most common risk factor for the development of an eating disorder,” she says, adding that it could be triggering for people actively trying to move away from food rules and restrictions.
If the topic arises, Babbott advises against debating or challenging others, as it’s rarely productive. Instead, swiftly validate the person (“I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you!”) then redirect the conversation to something else.
If you find yourself in a conversation that becomes negative (or you anticipate it will), Judd, Babbot and Tunnicliffe offer several tactics.
Firstly, Judd clarifies people are not responsible for educating others about the harm of diet or body talk; a task Tunnicliffe describes as scary, triggering and tiring.
“Discussing and creating boundaries for talk about food and bodies generally requires a negatively impacted or harmed person to do a lot of heavy lifting,” she says, adding it’s best to practice with easy audiences first.
“People often want to shift their experiences with the most problematic people first (Mum, Dad, Aunty Pam etc) but that’s a tough sell,” she says.
Alternately, if someone shares how body or food talk makes them feel, it’s proof the person values you and the relationship. “Someone setting a boundary with you is a compliment,” Tunnicliffe says. “They trust you and they care enough about your relationship, to be honest and ask for a tiny amendment”.
Firmly redirecting the conversation is another effective tactic for those who don’t wish to engage in a vulnerable conversation. “It can be as simple as saying, ‘You know what? I find this kind of talk makes me feel bad about my body, can we talk about something else?’,” Judd says, adding people rarely push back.
The most subtle approach involves moving the conversation to something totally different by asking someone an unrelated question, perhaps about a recent holiday or summer plans. If the topic isn’t related to food or exercise, it’s unlikely people will pull the conversation back there, Judd says.
Failing the above, one can always quietly step away, either momentarily or by leaving early. “For some people, leaving the situation is going to be your best option, particularly if you’re around a table with multiple people who are, engaged in this diet or body-based talk,” she says.
For those who find this tricky, Tunnicliffe offers the metaphor of a saucepan.
“If someone was hitting you over the head with a saucepan you wouldn’t stay and try to get them to change their mind while they continued hitting you. You’d get away from them and their saucepan,” she says.
If you need urgent help, reach out to your GP or local mental health provider. Or if you need to talk to someone else:
• Eating Disorders Association NZ 0800 2 EDANZ or email info@ed.org.nz
• LIFELINE: 0800 543 354 or 09 5222 999 within Auckland (available 24/7)
• YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633 ,free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat.
• NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7)
• KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
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