Almost a fifth of British couples are delaying their divorce because of the cost, research shows. Photo / Engin Akyurt, Unsplash
As occasions go, it’s not one you’ll want to note down in the shared calendar. Because January 8 marks “Divorce Day”: the most popular day in the year, statistically speaking, to file for divorce.
A fortnight filled with festive tensions, family arguments and plenty of seasonal stress can bring marital discord to the fore, meaning that the start of the new year signals separation for many – and boom time for divorce lawyers.
In the UK, 42 per cent of marriages end in divorce, with over 113,000 divorces taking place in a year – or 13 every hour.
But all that could be about to change, according to research by Legal & General, which has found that almost a fifth of couples are delaying their divorce – simply because of the cost.
Financial pressures have postponed more than 270,000 divorces, leaving British couples in the curious limbo of being “mid-vorced”: not-quite-married, not-quite-divorced.
Solicitor and divorce coach Katie Beer says she’s seen a marked increase in couples separating and then putting off the official bit due to money issues.
“The last time this happened was back in 2008-2009 when the financial markets crashed,” she explains. “Although we’re not quite back to those levels yet, there are definitely couples who cannot afford to divorce.”
And it’s not just legal costs getting in the way – although these are high: it’ll set you back around £2000 (about NZ$4100) to divorce, and that’s only if both parties are in complete agreement.
“It’s also the fact that mortgage interest rates make it tricky for one party to take on the mortgage in their sole name on a single income,” adds Beer. “Plus, going from a double-income household to a single-income household means less money coming in, while bills are going up, so more money is going out.”
Kelly Edwards, a managing partner at Edwards Family Law, says the cost of living crisis has made many of her clients think twice about getting divorced.
“People with houses or family businesses to value or sell might want to hold off because values are currently lower and, ultimately, there needs to be enough money to go around for both parties.”
It’s a situation that healthcare worker Nic Wheeler, 57, and her ex-partner Robin, 62, a freelance designer, found themselves in when they separated last July.
The couple, who live in a leafy market town in Berkshire, were together for 31 years, with two grown-up children, and say their marriage simply “ran its course”.
“We were more like housemates by the end,” explains Nic. “We went out for dinner one night, had the chat, and that was that. We told the children, who were very supportive, and Robin moved to his sister’s, a 10-minute drive away, where he’s been ever since.”
But when the pair looked at the logistics of divorcing – selling the house or buying out one partner’s share, dividing up three decades’ worth of belongings, not to mention contracting lawyers – they found they weren’t in such a hurry to make things official.
“There was no animosity,” says Robin. “We were still texting and calling regularly, mostly about the kids. We decided to put off the divorce – and, for now, we’re perfectly happy being separated.”
They still pay their earnings into the joint bank account, which takes care of the bills, mortgage payments and costs for the house and kids. For everyday living expenses, holidays and clothes, they make a modest transfer from this account into their individual savings each month.
So far, so practical. This may change, Nic says, if one of them meets someone else – “but hopefully things might have improved financially by then, so it won’t cost quite so much to get divorced”.
Another couple who spoke to The Telegraph, but wanted to remain anonymous, said the cost of living crisis was a “massive” factor in delaying their divorce – after a 20-year marriage – by two years.
“Ongoing financial agreement is fraught,” explains the wife, 49. “I can’t earn what I was on prior to having children [they have two; aged 14 and 17] whilst also being around for them. He can’t accept that or doesn’t care.
“The ongoing haggling over money is draining and damaging. I just want it sorted.”
Similarly, Carla Crivaro, 43, and her former partner have put off divorce for over a year now: they separated in September 2022 after 11 years of marriage, but continue to live in the same house in Lancashire with their children, aged six and 10.
Both she and her ex-husband have new partners of over a year and sleep in different rooms but continue to share their income, savings and investments.
Crivaro, a sex and relationships coach, insists money isn’t the sole reason they haven’t divorced yet; rather, it’s for the sake of their children.
“We have seen how difficult it is for other children who have experienced partners divorcing and living between houses, and we’d like to avoid this upheaval and trauma if possible,” she explains. “We have a good relationship, we get on and communicate well, so we don’t see a reason to make things more complicated.”
When a couple doesn’t have obvious grounds for divorce, being separated for two years will suffice: this is the reason given for 27 per cent of UK divorces, showing just how common unorthodox living situations are behind closed doors.
That said, some experts do not condone “mid-vorcing”, especially as a choice. “The cost fear is a bit of a red herring, especially when weighed up against the emotional trauma of staying together,” says Edwards. “We would generally advise against it, and certainly for those in their 40s to 60s who need to be thinking seriously about pension provision.”
Judged from an emotional perspective, however, others are more positive.
Farhana Hussain, a “divorce doula” who mentors individuals through break-ups, explains: “In cases where couples maintain an amicable relationship, this arrangement of separation without immediate divorce can be effective. It allows for a period of financial strengthening and stability for the family.”
Here are the experts’ top tips for living separate lives, together.
Maintain open communication
“It’s crucial to express your feelings, needs and concerns clearly,” says Farhana Hussain. “Remember, you’re not mind-readers. Clear communication can prevent misunderstandings and ease tensions.”
Be polite, not over-familiar
“Treat each other as roommates or colleagues,” says Katie Beer. “See if one of you can move in with parents or family to take the edge off, even if it is only on weekends. If possible, don’t share a bedroom – even if it means turning the lounge into a spare room. Don’t muddy the water by sharing your lives with each other.”
Put the children first
“If one parent is left struggling, it’s likely to result in the children suffering,” explains accredited divorce coach Caroline Hugh of Divorce Rock. “If each parent can keep the children’s best interests in mind, it can help the negotiations.”
Prioritise financial transparency
“Making a realistic budget and sharing it with the other parent can be a useful tool,” Hugh adds. “That way both can assess whether the other is portraying their accurate needs. Also be realistic about future costs for supporting the kids.”
Have the awkward chats
“Get clear on how the money is going to be managed and where the roles and responsibilities for the children lie,” says Carla Crivaro. “Also discuss whether you’re going to see other people and how that’s going to work. Having these uncomfortable conversations helps prevent resentment and conflict at a later date.”
Don’t get others involved
“There is a temptation to bring relatives, friends or acquaintances in to ‘take sides’,” Crivaro says. “Learn to share with people who are not friends of your partner. Involving friends and family can create more unrest and bitterness.”
Stay respectful and kind
“Just because the romantic aspect of your relationship has changed, it doesn’t mean civility should fly out the window,” says Farhana. “A bit of kindness goes a long way.” And don’t forget to be kind to yourself, too: it’s an emotional rollercoaster, so lean on your friends and seek professional help if needed.
Let’s take a look at the science.