How to harness the benefits of anger – and when to take a breath

All it took was a visit to the bank and a number of phone calls and it was done. Photo / 123rf

Our fear of confrontation, and the stigma around expressing anger, can often lead to unhelpful efforts to suppress it.

“Whatever begins in anger, ends in shame,” wrote the philosopher and polymath Benjamin Franklin. Almost 300 years later, the emotion of anger still conjures up similar feelings. We tell our children off for expressing it, feel great shame after we show it, and can lose jobs and relationships over a moment of fury.

But this approach has started to change. Researchers are increasingly finding that getting angry can be beneficial to our physical and emotional health – and even a powerful motivator. In a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology earlier this month, scientists found that people perform better at challenging tasks when they feel angry, compared with those who feel amused or calm.

“These findings demonstrate that anger increases effort toward attaining a desired goal, frequently resulting in greater success,” says study author Dr Heather Lench, from Texas A&M University. “Using negative emotions as tools can be particularly effective in some situations.” The researchers surmised that one explanation could be that anger leads to greater persistence.

However, there are also times and ways of expressing anger that aren’t appropriate. So, how can you harness its power in a constructive way, and when should you simply take time out and count to 10?

Accept that anger is normal

Just as we expect to feel sad or happy at times, we should also accept that anger is simply another emotion that is normal to experience, says clinical psychologist Dr Giray Cordan. “Anger is neither good nor bad, it’s just a feeling.” A 2023 study, published in the health journal Emotion, backs this up: researchers found people who judge negative feelings like jealousy and anger as “bad” or inappropriate, were more prone to anxiety and depression, while those who accepted them as normal fared better emotionally.

“It’s what we do with our anger that can be constructive or destructive,” continues Cordan. “Accepting angry feelings as normal can also give us the energy needed to begin to assert our needs in a way that can help change the status quo.”

Anger doesn’t mean losing your temper

Cary Cooper is a professor of organisational psychology & health at Manchester Business School. “Feeling angry is very different from losing your temper,” he says. “Anger can be a very negative thing if it causes you to behave in a way that damages yourself or those around you, but it can be very helpful if it leads to you expressing or asserting yourself.

“There’s this view that you are allowed to be angry in certain situations, and not others,” he says. “But why should it be OK to yell at your partner, but not your boss? In my view, neither is OK. While feeling angry is normal, if it causes you to scream and shout at those around you, that’s not helpful or healthy, and it could cause you problems, such as losing your job or jeopardising your relationships. If you learn to use feelings of anger as a motivator to help you express your feelings, perhaps to advise them on ways they can change or put things right, then that can be helpful, and healthy.”

Watch your words

“It’s very easy to get anger wrong when you’re feeling emotionally charged,” says psychotherapist Dr Sheri Jacobson, founder of Harley Therapy. “First of all, avoid all-or-nothing language, such as, ‘You’re never on time’, ‘You’re always late’ or ‘Your bedroom is always a mess’.”

It’s vital to avoid creating an inventory of things that have troubled you over the years and hitting them with a barrage of complaints, says Jacobson. “Instead stick to a theme like, ‘I don’t feel like you do your fair share around the house’, or ‘I don’t feel particularly cared for’. Then give a couple of examples to back this up. If you elevate your voice or make too many points, the other person will be more likely to zone you out, like a child with their fingers in their ears.”

Put yourself in their shoes

Jacobson says that whatever your grievance with your messy teenager, or spouse, put yourself in their shoes. “This takes patience, but it’s useful to imagine you’re on the receiving end of your own anger. How would you feel? It’s natural to elevate our voices when we’re angry, but take a moment to think about how this feels for the other person. Try to have empathy for their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it, which will help calm you down.”

On this note, Jacobson advises always prefacing a potentially angry conversation with a positive. “For example, ‘I love you and care about our relationship, or ‘I enjoy this job, but I feel that…’ This will make the person you’re angry with more receptive to what you’re about to say.”

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, try stepping into their shoes. It might help cool down a heated moment. Photo / 123rf

Don’t bottle it up

Our fear of confrontation, and the stigma around expressing anger, can often lead to unhelpful efforts to suppress it, says Cordan. This can include letting a situation fester or bottling things up until we explode, which then leads to us re-doubling our efforts to push it down. “Or we swallow our anger, and it then turns inwards on ourselves, causing feelings of stress or guilt,” he says.

“People literally get sick when they sit on their anger,” agrees Prof Cooper. A 2019 study from Pennsylvania State University found that negative moods affect the way the immune system functions and increases unhealthy inflammation

Meanwhile, a 2009 study found that people who hold grudges have an increased risk of heart disease and stomach ulcers, and a 2020 study found that ruminating over past events can leave you more prone to depression and anxiety.

Prof Cooper advises finding what he calls the “anger middle ground”: “On one extreme you have screaming and shouting, on the other you have burying and bottling up,” he says. “The middle ground, where you speak up when you’re feeling annoyed but in a constructive way, is best for your health and happiness.”

Finally, forget the ‘count to 10′ myth

Despite what our parents told us, counting to 10 rarely works, says Cordan, because by the time you feel angry it’s already too late. “When you’re caught up in the adrenaline-fuelled fight-or-flight response, our brains’ frontal lobes go offline and we become quite binary in our thinking – I’m good, you’re bad; it’s all your fault, not mine. Finding effective ways to regulate long before we feel angry is key.”

“Nobody feels good about themselves after losing their temper,” says Prof Cooper, “so take steps to ensure you don’t do it often. Take regular breaks at work, don’t rely on coping mechanisms like alcohol, which just make anger worse, get enough sleep, exercise every day, get outside, see friends. That way, you’ll feel angry less often, and when you do, you’ll be better able to control your anger rather than having it control you.”

And if, on the odd occasion, anger gets the better of you? It’s not a disaster, says Jacobson: “Aim to do better next time, forgive yourself, take a deep breath.”