She is one of the most outspoken and controversial young feminists on social media, and now she's publishing a guidebook to dating men. Chidera Eggerue talks to Jonathan Dean about why women owe nobody niceness.
The writer and #SaggyBoobsMatter activist Chidera Eggerue has a new book out next month called How to Get Over a Boy. Who, I ask, when I meet her in a London cafe, is that aimed at? "Anyone who dates straight men," she tells me, a straight man. "It is informed by seeing how indifferent men are to women's problems." I sip my coffee and nod purposefully along. During our two-hour chat, much was covered. At one point, she says: "It is within my rights to be suspicious of every man on the planet."
On social media, as @theslumflower, Eggerue is confident and outspoken. Her Instagram feed (256,000 followers) is full of lingerie shots; her Twitter (78,900 followers) a mix of retweeted praise and the occasional firestarter. "If men are committing s*icide because they can't cry, how's it my concern?" she tweeted last year (which she deleted after coming under fire). The Londoner is 25, has an energetic brain and is so at ease with herself that she is fronting Bring Back the Bush, a documentary about pubic hair on Channel 4 tomorrow. It begins with the screen full of women's pubes, before ending with more pubes, some on Eggerue herself. How on earth did she achieve this level of self-certainty? She shrugs. "One day I decided I'd had enough," she says.
In person Eggerue is friendly and, largely, convincing. How to Get Over a Boy is about how dating is stacked against women from the off. Her central manifesto is to "decentre" men: for women not to be scared of putting themselves and their bodies first, and not just to do what a random "he" wants. So does she want equality or revenge? "It depends if you consider having boundaries revenge or behaving accordingly," she says, with the right amount of smirk. "If men want better stories told about them, they should behave better. Feminism owes nobody niceness when misogyny is repetitive and violent."
Eggerue's lightbulb moment in her approach to feminism and, indeed, her entire life came on Christmas Day, 2018. "I was with my family and realised I didn't like the way I tolerated things from guys. How I was passive in certain areas of my life, yet the opposite in others." That same day she drew up a chart of times she was lenient with men and times that leniency benefited her — there was nothing in the second column. She knew something had to change.
At this point (and many others) Eggerue was probably wondering why she was speaking to me, rather than, say, a fan, or a woman. However, spend a moment on social media and it's clear that #MeToo has barely made a dent on misogyny. As such, what Eggerue writes doesn't rattle me at all. It takes a particularly insecure manchild to claim that men don't in the main have it easier than women — but there are a lot of manchildren about and it is they who need this message. Wouldn't it be best if men also read the book? "There is no way men will think they need this on their shelf!" she laughs. "Men are going to get the message through how women behave."
The book features some eminently sensible advice, though Eggerue doesn't shy away from making bold and sometimes extreme statements during our conversation and in the book. For example, she advises dating as many men as possible — yet also repeats how dangerous men are, that "a woman will likely die by being murdered by a man, while a man will more likely die of heart disease". Dating lots of men, though, increases the chance of finding a bad one, so is that really wise? "Yes and no," she replies. "Because if you step out of the house, you're unsafe as long as men exist. The point I'm making is that if you go for the first option [of settling], you haven't given yourself an opportunity to see what's out there."
She went on a date the night before we met. Where did he suggest? "Soho." Where did they end up meeting? "Mayfair." Dates, she says, are part of her research. Sometimes she goes on a few a week. She uses them to examine human behaviour. Will there be a second date? She shakes her head. "I found so many red flags." Such as? "He went off about how he doesn't like getting women gifts. He is 41 — 20 years of dating! I'm glad I asked him questions, because we'd had a laugh and I probably would have gone on a second date on that basis. That is why we should be upfront."
The book also expands on her views on hypergamy: essentially, finding a sugar daddy, a man of superior wealth. Eggerue supports this choice. She wants a man who is able to offer her future children trust funds, good schools and the chance to see turtles swimming in the ocean. But might this reinforce a man's idea that he has control over women? "I see that," Eggerue says. "But men are controlling anyway. If a man is poor, he can use his lack of being in a better position to gaslight you into staying with him. So, if I'm going to be dating someone, I'll make sure I'm going for the person who can provide me with the most fun."
Eggerue was raised in a south London home with two younger brothers. Now she can afford to live alone, following a flush of success in 2018 with her #Saggy BoobsMatter body-positivity campaign, which encouraged women to be proud of whatever shape they come in, and a deal with Adidas. The Slumflower blog came next, as did a first book, What a Time to Be Alone, a Sunday Times bestseller. She tells me that her feminist icons include Audre Lorde and Toni Morrison, because they made her bold.
Eggerue recently cut off all contact with her father because of how she perceived he treated her mother, stopping her from becoming who she might have been. She won't elaborate, but in How to Get Over a Boy's most sombre section, she details how women, such as her mother, end up as inadequate role models to children who see them subjugating themselves daily. "When your children witness you sacrificing," she says, sadly, "they take on the belief it's OK to chop off parts of yourself to accommodate others. My mother said, 'Never settle for a man who'll keep you unhappy.' But I didn't see her live up to that. Sometimes it's more comfortable to stay in chaos than to leave, especially when you have children. I never resent my mother for not living up to a version she could have been. She didn't have the tools I have, which are the internet, books, the ability to speak to people who have shared their own experiences."
Eggerue wants children. Does monogamy matter for that? "If I don't meet a person I want to share a significant part of life with until I'm outside of my fertility window, then I'll adopt." When I ask what she still struggles with, she answers like a job applicant who says their biggest weakness is that they try too hard. Her struggle, she claims, is that she can't tell men what she does for a living when they meet. That makes sense. It would be a hell of an opener to explain to a straight man that she wrote a book about the systemic problem with straight men.
How to Get Over a Boy by Chidera Eggerue
Love exactly who you are, right now
Nobody's expectations of you deserve to rule your life. Working towards your own positive vision of yourself is the first step towards gaining control and power. Straight women have been socialised in such a way that putting ourselves first feels like we are betraying other people. What often keeps us psychologically chained to men is the validation we receive from them, no matter how inconsistent or scarce it is. When you don't like your body, hearing that "Your ass is better than hers" or "I love how small your waist is" sounds like something to stick with. Take as long as you need to push very hard through this process.
Beauty acceptance
Wanting to be liked for how you look is the beginning of handing away your power of self-acceptance. Beauty as we know it is a construct, one that capitalism has exploited. This means you're carrying around ideas that aren't grounded in your own reality. The simplest way to start to exist beyond societal expectations is to understand that, somewhere else in the world, your unique features are being celebrated right now. You don't have to get rid of all your beauty beliefs — just the ones that make you feel terrible about yourself. A happy medium between presenting yourself well and staying true to yourself exists: you do not have to perform a version of yourself that you don't completely feel powerful in.
Body acceptance
There is something quietly revolutionary about deciding you're done pandering to the universal fear of having an unacceptable body. Impressing men with your body is not a goal worth having — you exist beyond being "desirable". To clarify, high heels and a snatched waist aren't the problem here, especially if that's your thing; the problem is pushing your body beyond its limit in the name of coming across as valuable. The foundation of body acceptance is this: you didn't create your body, therefore you don't have to explain it to anyone. You don't have to live up to anybody's standards but yours. The more you adore yourself and your body, the more men will step up, make their intentions clear, and love you from a place of abundance, not fear or control.
Finding your sexual energy
Have you ever thought about how different women's relationship with their sexuality would be if we weren't taught that sex is something that "happens to" women? If instead we were educated about our pleasure points and the power that comes with knowing our body? Think about how different your first sexual experience would have been if your mother/guardian had given you a vibrator for your 16th birthday; or simply if your first conversation about sex with your parents had been an empowering one, rather than a forbidding one. Sex shaming is a weapon of misogyny that relies on linking women's sexuality to their morality. We need to let go of the obsession with being a "good woman", and instead let ourselves experience what it means to be a happy woman, by working out what we desire, rather than what we think men desire. If men didn't exist, what would your world look like? What would you wear and how would you view yourself? How would you show your love for yourself? Learn exactly what you like, and give it to yourself as frequently as you desire.
What does the love you deserve look like?
Patriarchy is a system where men have disproportionate access to power, resources, money, comfort and safety, and creates a reward system for those who successfully conform. That reward is marriage — when the woman goes from daughter (father's property) to wife (husband's property) — and that's why it's the fairy tale that's fed to all of us. Young girls are raised to prepare for a future where women will take care of men, and in a patriarchal society, being picked by your oppressor grants you access to class and capital — both of which heavily determine your quality of life. The only way to shed our internalised misogyny is to decentre men from your world and start from scratch. Once a woman has the final say on who she is, it's almost impossible to convince her to return to an outdated version of herself.
How to set boundaries without feeling bad
Boundaries are a crucial step in owning your power and becoming your truest self. Love needs boundaries in order to allow it to manifest in a way that is safe, respectful and healthy, otherwise people will barge into our lives. Do you ever find yourself in scenarios with men where you feel roped into something that you didn't ask for? Maybe he's too "hands on" and you've only just met, or he's mansplaining, or expecting you to listen to all his problems. While you can't control how people behave towards you, you can take control of how much time you choose to spend around them. Creating safe limits begins with removing that person from the mental pedestal, and placing yourself on it instead, which shows that you are worthy of patience, care, time and space. Say no more often, or limit their access to you.
How to decentre men
1. Nobody is allowed to overstay their welcome in your life. Relationships should be chosen, not settled for.
2. Never bend over backwards to prove your worthiness to someone who has already displayed an inability to see it. Don't accept anything that strays outside of what you deserve.
3. If you can't leave your phone alone because you're waiting for him to text you back, understand this: waiting for someone to miss you is the biggest waste of your time.
4. If you're in a long-term relationship but find yourself in frequent fights, know that men can tell when you are indecisive about removing them from your life. By continuing to entertain him, you communicate to him that you'll take it, over and over again.
5. Stop romanticising the future. "When I finally fall in love, I'll be way happier about myself!" Love can be falsely valued if you only recognise it when someone else shows it to you. Waiting for love is a waste of time. Embrace the present.
All men are replaceable
As women, we shoot ourselves in the foot when we settle down at the first sign of compatibility. No man deserves to be "the one" until he has proven himself to you. What you need is a roster of other options. Keeping men at arm's length until they make a clear and visible effort to stand out to you reaps wonderful results. As women, we don't weed out and vet men enough, because we fear losing them. But when you prioritise yourself and enter new situations with the mindset of "he'd better hope I like him", you'll find yourself meeting more men who enjoy earning your grace. We deserve to decide who is worthy of our love. And that should never involve them being good at keeping you on your toes — because what value does that add to your life?
Written by: Jonathan Dean
© The Times of London
